you have nothing to be ashamed of (referring to your edit note.) this is well-written and expresses sentiments that i'm sure many of us can identify with and have often felt.
i have found writing to be very therapeutic. the process itself helps me sort out my thoughts and emoptions and identify and connect them. and sharing it helps too - in another way - as others respond and affirm you. please let me gently encourage you to keep on writing and keep on sharing. it benefits us as well as you.
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"