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#429328 - 03/28/13 01:25 AM When People Don't Respect Your Issues.
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Let me ask y'all something . If you knew a guy in his late 30s, and this guy didn't have a girlfriend but also claimed not to want a relationship with anyone, would you think it was ok to ask him why? If you did think it was ok to ask him why and his response was that he "doesn't do relationships", (my automated response), would you then think it was ok dismiss his answer outright and start going on about friends of yours you could set him up with that would just love him? If he politely turned down your offer to play match-maker and was obviously not comfortable with the subject, would you continue to pester him about it? Because I'm talking to a message board full of guys, I'm going to guess that the answer to most or all of those questions is going to be a resounding "no". So, that said, why the fuck is it that chicks always pull that shit?

My sister in law used to be terrible about this but fortunately she lives in a different state, so she can only do so much. I have a female cousin, (not one I'm close to), who wanted to give me the third degree on this at a family reunion last summer but we don't really talk and she didn't presue her match-making quest afterwards like she said she was going to. (Thank God!) I've wound up as an unwilling captive in this same conversation with female co-workers and other female acquaintances over the years and they all have the same annoying goal, to set me up with someone when I clearly have no interest and am obviously uncomfortable with the whole thing from the word go. What are they thinking????

It's a mystery to me why they would even want to bring it up in the first place. I mean, I'm 38 freaking years old and I'm single. I don't make six figures, nor am I even remotely close to being what one would call "successful" but I'm at least independent and relatively stable. I'm no Brad Pitt but I'm certainly no cave troll to look at either. Hey, if I wanted to be with somebody, I'D FUCKING BE WITH SOMEBODY!!!! Why can't they just see that to begin with and leave it alone?

I've even had these conversations culminate in passive-aggressive, half-joking/half-not comments like "What, you think you're to good for my friends?" Fucking really? Has anyone else been subject to this? If you have, you've no doubt been subject to questions like...

Them: "Don't you get lonely?"
Me: "No"
Them: "Don't you want someone in your life who completes you?"
Me: "Nope, sure don't."
Them: "Don't you want someone to share your life with?"
Me: "No thank you. I'm selfish with my life and I don't want to share it."
Them: "Don't you want your own children some day?"
Me: "God no! Owning a cat is about as much responsibility as I want to have for another living thing."
Them: "Don't you ever wish you had someone to sleep next to at night?"
Me: "No! GROSS!"

Me: "And no, I don't think I'm to good for any of your friends. If anything, they're to good for me, but either way I'd rather chew on broken glass than date or have a romantic relationship with any of them or with ANY-FUCKING-ONE SO LEAVE ME ALONE GODDAMNIT!!!!!"

Ok, I've never said that last thing but it's definitely been kicking around in my head a few times when I've had those types of conversations and I've had them more times then I would have cared to. In fact, one time is more times than I would have cared to.

It just seems to me that anyone with half a brain should be able to look at a guy like me, look at my situation in life, and know that he most likely has some issues that are probably very deep-seeded and personal. Not necessarily know he has CSA issues, but issues. You'd also think they'd understand that poking and prodding at those issues isn't a very polite or sensitive thing to do. Perhaps I'm giving people to much credit though. Perhaps I'm unfairly expecting intuition out of people when a lot of people just don't have any. Perhaps I'm underestimating the naivety of the average John and Jane Doe. (In this scenario, it would mostly be Jane Doe.)

Does anyone else run into this crap from time to time? Not necessarily the same exact conversation/scenario but at least something akin to it? You know, when someone who is puzzled by your behavior or your situation in life starts unwittingly poking around at your issues? People who probably think that the places they are going are harmless or even helpful when, in reality, they are only making you uncomfortable or even downright pissing you off?

Perhaps I'm wrong to feel this way. Perhaps I should just be grateful that anyone gives enough of a shit to ask those questions or make those match-making offers in the first place. Perhaps I really have no right to be bothered by it. After all, I'm the one with the issues, not them. Still, it just seems to me that the first time I say "No thank you, I'm not interested in relationships", that should be the end of the matter, but it normally never is.

Ok, rant off. Any similar experiences to share? Any thoughts? Opinions? Am I just being a jerk about this? If I am, please just tell me. Thanks. Take care. Peace,


#429329 - 03/28/13 01:39 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon

Let me ask y'all something . If you knew a guy in his late 30s, and this guy didn't have a girlfriend but also claimed not to want a relationship with anyone, would you think it was ok to ask him why?

I only read the first part of this post. (will read more in a bit) But why would I ask any more if I was told someone didn't want a relationship? None of my business.

OK read it all. No I have never experienced the same thing. Questions but never a match making offer.

Edited by Candu (03/28/13 01:50 AM)

#429331 - 03/28/13 02:03 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856
I think there are many people who put blinders on to survivors of CSA. They do not understand what we have endured, the impact on our lives or destruction it did to or well being and ability to live in the world. I have heard get over it, it does not cause issues and I heard people say doctors, nurses, students studying psychology never heard of these issues from CSA- distrust,dissociation, emotional disconnection, self loathing but I have learned ignore these people because they have far greater issues than you and I--they do not have human compassion or decency, they are frightened by CSA and their ignorance rules them. You need to find kind and compassion people--surround yourself with them and not those that look at you with disdain. This will help you feel better about yourself--because the CSA leaves you confused as to your true value-and yes you have value.

Edited by KMCINVA (03/28/13 02:25 AM)

#429335 - 03/28/13 02:33 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I am 51, single, never married, no kids, straight, CSA survivor and have experienced the same things you have described. I have even been told that I'm not complete because I don't have a spouse, and other times I've been told that it's okay that I'm not married. Even my doctor told me that there's nothing wrong with being single. Umm, that's not why I had an appointment, I had a concern about my health. I mean really, it was never a topic of conversation and I never wanted anyone else's opinion on whether I'm okay. People in general overlook the fact that some of us are single by choice and don't want to change.

You are not being a jerk about it. People butt in where their opinion isn't wanted and then have the audacity to be upset when you don't want to listen to them. I don't know if it's any consolation to know that there are others that experience the same thing, but that's my story.

I haven't figured out how to handle it. Sometimes it upsets me and makes me angry. Sometimes I just walk away. It's put a rift in some of my friendships because I get tired of being viewed as being a misfit due to my relationship status. I've dumped some friends because they won't shut up about it. I'm a lot more closed mouth about it then I used to be and don't talk about my status with co-workers or acquaintances. I just hang around with people that don't bring it up or who are in similar circumstances.
I'm not sure these are helpful solutions, but it's the best I can do. Just wanted to let you know you're not the only person to encounter these scenarios.


#429339 - 03/28/13 03:19 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Ken- most people think that a male needs to be with someone in order to be fulfilled. They cross those boundaries without a clue as to what they are really saying or implying. Which is that if a man chooses to be single, something must be inherently wrong with him. It isn't true.

I hear it all the time also. The last incident came from two ladies I vaguely knew from the past, and I couldn't even remember their names. In the middle of the store isle, in front of God and a dozen strangers, they pointedly asked if I had found someone. I've been single for nine years now. I turned red from embarrassment, and jokingly said I hadn't found anyone who would have me yet. It was just embarrassing and a bit humiliating, like something MUST be wrong with me.

Like Davo said, I don't want anyone else's opinion on my relationship status, period. Like you guys, I consider it rude and ill-mannered and over the boundaries of acceptable dialogue.

I no longer share my dreams or my successes or my fears with anyone. I share not my past, my present or my future. And I have no intentions of sharing my assaults and my reasons for remaining single. I have a therapist for that. And believe it or not, with all she knows about me- and she knows most of everything- she herself actually said I was still too young to remain single. Oops. A little Freudian slip of the tongue, was it not ? ...LOL... seriously. She just let it slip, but it is indicative of the fact that the world thinks a man cannot function alone.

So, my friend, you are not alone in this. It happens to guys in their 30s as you are and to guys in their 50s, as some of us are. But I just don't apologize for desiring to be alone any more. And it becomes really awkward when someone begins to pursue you... but thats a whole other ball game.

If you are comfortable in your own SINGLE skin, embrace it, make no apologies and give no explanations. It's your life, your decision.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#429349 - 03/28/13 05:19 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Believe it or not, Falcon, even I get that question as a gay man. I've also reached the age where I don't mind being a bit caustic and irritating. In short, it's none of their business.

Them: "Don't you get lonely?"
Me: "What makes you think it's any of your business?"
Them: "Don't you want someone in your life who completes you?"
Me: "What makes you think it's any of your business?"
Them: "Don't you want someone to share your life with?"
Me: "What makes you think it's any of your business?"
Them: "Don't you want your own children some day?"
Me: "What makes you think it's any of your business?"
Them: "Don't you ever wish you had someone to sleep next to at night?"
Me: "What makes you think it's any of your business?"

Drives 'em nuts that I answer their question with the same question over and over. And it's high entertainment value for me.

It's similar to the way I handle telemarketers. I only answer when they ask me a question and then I only say, "Yes." Really pisses them off.

"Could I have your credit card number please?"
"What's the number?"
"What are you? Some kind of idiot?"

You get my drift. ;-)

#429353 - 03/28/13 06:00 AM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
it seems that many people think that everyone else should share their beliefs and values and priorities. if you don't, they feel a need to "fix" or "help" or "change" you so that you will be as wonderful as they seem to think they are.

i have had that kind of situations with people who want me to conform to their health and dietary habits, their religions, their political beliefs, their pyramid scheme "business opportunities", and even their sports and exercise preferences.

at time it takes absolute rudeness on my part to get them to give up and leave me alone. but i don't feel apologetic about it - it is only matching the level of rudeness that they demonstrate in their behavior. i don't feel obligated to submit to that kind of bullying. if necessary, i will just walk away.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#429400 - 03/28/13 09:32 PM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I agree with KMCINVA. Too many people out there are either ignorant or incredulous of the impact CSA has on a person's life. Sometimes what is worse than their misunderstandings are their prescriptions. "It's alright bro just drink some brews/tackle drunk sluts/ad nauseam." You asked for experiences so here you go:

I have a few blue collar friends who love going out to the bars to drink and hit on girls. One of these friends set me up on a double date with one of his female friends because it was a "sure thing" that I was going to get laid. I told them I wouldn't sleep with her but that it could be nice to go out on blind date. Wrong. She and I were not at all compatible, however, you'll have to believe me when I tell you I was polite and engaging the whole date. My other friend was messing around on his smart phone most of the time so I ended up having to facilitate most of the conversation between them and us. This continued until we were all playing a drinking game and the question was posed "so who has had anal sex?" I had done this before with a previous girlfriend so I raised my hand. She immediately said in an accusatory and mean spirited tone "you've been fucked in the ass?!" I was anally raped during my CSA.

I found out later she was recently divorced, bitter about it, wanted to fuck another guy at the party, but apparently also wanted to shit all over someone to let off some steam. I hadn't insulted her or anything remotely close to it all night and she came at me hard. And for you Neil Strauss aficionados this wasn't some "shit test" or indirect flirtation she straight up wanted to belittle me in front of everybody. Someone else at the part had said to her earlier "once you go black you become a single mother." She immediately got upset and went to the restroom to calm down. Soon thereafter she came after me I guess because kindness is weakness and weakness invites attack. I'll give you two guesses who the other guy at the party she wanted to fuck was but you will only need one. Anyway, I was triggered as hell and ended up drinking until I puked and passed out on my buddy's bathroom floor.

Thanks for the help guys! <thumbs up>

TL;DR A buddy set me up on a double date with a jerk who loudly pronounced to the whole party "you've been fucked in the ass!" in a successful attempt to make me feel bad in front of an entire party.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#429401 - 03/28/13 10:10 PM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

So sorry you had to go through that. What do you expect from shit but a stink.

I've gotten the "meangirl" treatment at parties - the worst part is thinking up what to say, hours later....

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#429407 - 03/28/13 11:01 PM Re: When People Don't Respect Your Issues. [Re: BraveFalcon]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
OK, my turn.

I was the best man in my friends' wedding C & J. I went to college with both of them, and we're close. J's sister, Bridget, on the other hand, is weird and crazy and triggering as hell and I don't like to be around her, but sometimes it can't be avoided.

Bridget is this kind of weird: once she kept asking me over and over in an insistent tone if I thought her cat Simon was sexy. Both C & J and the rest of J's family dismiss her as harmless, but that's not how I see it. She triggers my "perp alarm" and she's a school teacher and band leader.

The last time I tolerated being around her, I was visiting them at their mother's house, so Bridget was there, and even though I hadn't seen C & J in some time, it wasn't worth Bridget constantly hitting on me in a joking manner. For starters, she's married. and secondly, I hate her.

I wouldn't have even been there with her around, but I hadn't seen my friends in months and so I was there. When no one was looking, I finally told Bridget, "Stop fucking touching me."

Then, minutes later, in front of everyone in the party, including people I didn't know, she asks me in her loud voice, "Do you like boys or girls, anyway?"

I froze. People were staring. My friends, who should have known, didn't bail me out.

I had a moment like in the original Terminator movie, where I was looking at her and had the option to say several different things, including blowing her out of the water, which I'm very capable of doing. However, since this was in her mother's house and her mother was standing right there, I backed it down, thanked their mother for inviting me, and walked straight out the back door.

Even afterwards, my friends didn't bother to call or apologize for her. The nerve that bitch had to ask me if I was gay in front a room full of people because I rejected her crazy advances -- it still blows my mind.

TL;DR version: My friend's sister is a crazy bitch.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

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