Do any of you guys go through times when you 'turn off' inside? I went through that yesterday. I don't know what kicked it off, but I didn't feel anything almost all day. I just, walked around my apartment, letting myself get distracted by whatever was next.
I'm starting to realize that when I do this, I'm avoiding something huge.
Then I was flipping through this site, being distracted by the next thing, and I ran across an excellent, and completely, completely unexpected article: http://www.malesurvivor.org/Prevention%20&%20Education/Articles/ingraham.htm
I finished reading it, and I literally just curled up on my living room floor and cried. I'd be ok for about 5 min, and then back to crying again!
But they were happy tears. See, I've gotten used to walking around and knowing that if people knew BOTH sides of my battles, my battles with CSA as well as with SA, they'd hate me, shoot me, linch me, beat me, whatever. I don't think I make it through 24 hours without hearing someone saying how I should burn in hell forever, be hung, or shot, or in prison for life.
And then here is someone who was hurt, sticking up for ME! Someone who hated me saying my life has some value, that just destroying me isn't the right answer.
It was after that that I stopped being afraid to post here. And I'm so glad that I did!!! I'm learning that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels like a scared little boy walking around doing his best impression of a man. I'm not the only one who struggles with fantasies about abuse, who is afraid to touch, but really really wants to find a way to touch, who has loved ones who are trying their best, who has friends who don't understand that it's NOT them...
It's just so freaking wonderful to be here. It's so freaking amazing to find someplace where I can show the boy and not have to pretend to be the man I'm not. It's...
Dang. I'm crying again!
I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong here, but I didn't know where else to put it! Guys, therapists, dirctors, whatever.
Thank God for you guys!!!