Newest Members
davkli, GMan, Mothman, zmv, lewisrj
13202 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
josacam (53), PhillyPa (41), sum1sun (41), time2heal (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (Older1, Buddy75, 3 invisible), 23 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,202 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,400 Topics
475,949 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#429005 - 03/24/13 11:30 PM How to trust people better?
Devin Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 6
Loc: United States
Hey I was wondering if anyone on here had some tips that would help me learn to trust more people then I do? Right now I only trust my wife, doctor, and best friend even my best friend I haven't been able to tell what happened to me... I know most people aren't going to think that I'm a freak if I tell them but. I feel that way looking around everyone I know communicates fine with eachother and here I am., Doctor's advice didn't help me either.

Top
#429027 - 03/25/13 02:54 AM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'll be watching this tread, hoping that someone will post an answer. I'd really love to get some tips myself...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#429043 - 03/25/13 08:15 AM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 638
Loc: where the shadows lie
Ok. I'm horrible with relationships so take all this with a grain of salt, but this is what I think I've learned about trust.

1. Trust is earned.

2. Trust is not binary. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

3. Trust is topical. Its ok to trust someone in one area but tell them nothing of another area.

4. NEVER trust because you *wish* a person deserved your trust.

5. Remember that people are usually only as strong or as wise as they've needed to be to survive. Meaning that just because a person is nice doesn't mean they will be able to understand you, especially if they've never been through real trauma.

6. The flip side of that is: other survivors might be the best place to start -- it doesn't always have to even be surviving the same thing. Two hurting people don't equal one healthy person, but two veterans will understand war better than civilians.

7. A survivor friend and I have a term: "mutual blackmail." Of course we use it jokingly, but what it means is try to keep an equilibrium of the amount you share between yourself and your friends. Individual conversations will be different, but over the long haul it should not be just one person sharing and the other staying mum. Don't pressure them to share, but if they aren't sharing themselves don't over-share with them. They may be overwhelmed. (This doesn't apply to shrinks and other professionals, of course. Expecting the client to share the shrinks' problems would be inappropriate).

8. Not everyone I know agrees with the "mutual blackmail" concept, and feels rather that relationships that only flow one way are fine. I strongly disagree with this, but I wanted to say that in case you find it works for you. I don't see that as a friendship but rather a surrogate therapist, but with 7 billion people in the world every rule has an exception.

It'd be nice if I could round this out to a "TOP TEN" list, but I haven't learned 9 & 10 yet. smile
_________________________
I will always be your champion
I will always tear the monsters from you

Top
#429051 - 03/25/13 09:10 AM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Good topic

Having secrets makes it hard to trust.

I don't have any secrets- all the shameful things I' used to repress and hold onto I've shared with people who earned my trust, were honest and made me feel safe.

It is a skill- a ratio shop skill- to trust others. And learning healthy relationships (and healthy, affirming sexuality) is one of the chief mountains on the mountain range of my recovery life.

We all need people we can trust- fr most of us, it's 180 degrees opposite the abuse experience. And trust is the most life affirming, life expanding course for me. I can't live in isolation. I need to share my fears and thoughts and hopes with people who are a good fit.

So what characterizes the trust in the relationships you do have?

What support do you have for your recovery?

What bad choices have you made in the past about trust?

What good choices?

What resulted from either type of choices?
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#429061 - 03/25/13 11:10 AM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Jacob S]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2377
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
Ok. I'm horrible with relationships so take all this with a grain of salt, but this is what I think I've learned about trust.

1. Trust is earned.

2. Trust is not binary. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

3. Trust is topical. Its ok to trust someone in one area but tell them nothing of another area.

4. NEVER trust because you *wish* a person deserved your trust.

5. Remember that people are usually only as strong or as wise as they've needed to be to survive. Meaning that just because a person is nice doesn't mean they will be able to understand you, especially if they've never been through real trauma.

6. The flip side of that is: other survivors might be the best place to start -- it doesn't always have to even be surviving the same thing. Two hurting people don't equal one healthy person, but two veterans will understand war better than civilians.

7. A survivor friend and I have a term: "mutual blackmail." Of course we use it jokingly, but what it means is try to keep an equilibrium of the amount you share between yourself and your friends. Individual conversations will be different, but over the long haul it should not be just one person sharing and the other staying mum. Don't pressure them to share, but if they aren't sharing themselves don't over-share with them. They may be overwhelmed. (This doesn't apply to shrinks and other professionals, of course. Expecting the client to share the shrinks' problems would be inappropriate).

8. Not everyone I know agrees with the "mutual blackmail" concept, and feels rather that relationships that only flow one way are fine. I strongly disagree with this, but I wanted to say that in case you find it works for you. I don't see that as a friendship but rather a surrogate therapist, but with 7 billion people in the world every rule has an exception.

It'd be nice if I could round this out to a "TOP TEN" list, but I haven't learned 9 & 10 yet. smile

A good start: trust no one. Seems to be a lesson I did not learn well enough at 12. I just keep having to painfully relearn it. Maybe someday it'll stick.
_________________________

..


Top
#429067 - 03/25/13 12:17 PM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Jacob S]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1573
Loc: California
This is an absolutely brilliant and succinctly outlined definition of trust and how it works I've ever read. Thank you!

I'd add to that this adage (apparently, it's a belief system / thought system that helps people).

Trust no one, but yourself. Take RISKS with others.

I was at one of them fandangled inspiration seminars and was talking about my trust issues with the charismatic leader when he blurted that out. "You don't trust other people, trust only yourself. Take risks with others."

I didn't get it at all. How the hell do you create and develop relationships with others if you only take risks and don't trust them?

Over the last couple of years, I've taken on the task to learn how to love myself, to foster a better relationship with myself.

What that has translated to is to learn to listen to my heart (follow my instincts, follow my gut). There's a brilliant quote from Steve Jobs (of Apple) "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

This means I needed to start trusting myself to take the risks, without knowing what the outcome might be, and risk falling and getting hurt. Even the painful learning experiences of making a mistake force me to grow, something my heart already knows, that my mind wants to resist.

It has also translated into learning how to deal with the internal critic; it was so severe and harsh on me, saying things about me (that I bought into) that I would never say to another human being. I have found that practicing the lovingkindness meditation is helping tremendously to quiet that internal critic.

And lastly, it has translated into awakening to the 'Shame Monster' (I need to find another name for this). The Cancer of Shame? This is the entity that we carry in us that tells us we're unlovable. It's so intimate and so familiar to us that we buy into it. We believe the lies. I certainly did, and sometimes still do. This Shame thing inside of us fools us into believing we're pieces of shit. It is extraordinarily difficult for us to come out from under this illusion of Shame, and step into our own. Perhaps, this single task, would be the biggest step towards a full fledged recovery.

How can I trust another person if I can't even trust myself? If I don't know what motivates me to think, feel, and behave the way I do, how will I ever understand what motivates others to think, feel, and behave the way they do?

So, I seem to be learning, after many many years of effort, that I needed to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself, to trust myself, to follow my heart, and from there, I begin to learn how to relate with others, and dare to trust them. Sometimes I'll make mistakes and trust the wrong people, but we're human. We make mistakes.

D

Originally Posted By: Jacob S
Ok. I'm horrible with relationships so take all this with a grain of salt, but this is what I think I've learned about trust.

1. Trust is earned.

2. Trust is not binary. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

3. Trust is topical. Its ok to trust someone in one area but tell them nothing of another area.

4. NEVER trust because you *wish* a person deserved your trust.

5. Remember that people are usually only as strong or as wise as they've needed to be to survive. Meaning that just because a person is nice doesn't mean they will be able to understand you, especially if they've never been through real trauma.

6. The flip side of that is: other survivors might be the best place to start -- it doesn't always have to even be surviving the same thing. Two hurting people don't equal one healthy person, but two veterans will understand war better than civilians.

7. A survivor friend and I have a term: "mutual blackmail." Of course we use it jokingly, but what it means is try to keep an equilibrium of the amount you share between yourself and your friends. Individual conversations will be different, but over the long haul it should not be just one person sharing and the other staying mum. Don't pressure them to share, but if they aren't sharing themselves don't over-share with them. They may be overwhelmed. (This doesn't apply to shrinks and other professionals, of course. Expecting the client to share the shrinks' problems would be inappropriate).

8. Not everyone I know agrees with the "mutual blackmail" concept, and feels rather that relationships that only flow one way are fine. I strongly disagree with this, but I wanted to say that in case you find it works for you. I don't see that as a friendship but rather a surrogate therapist, but with 7 billion people in the world every rule has an exception.

It'd be nice if I could round this out to a "TOP TEN" list, but I haven't learned 9 & 10 yet. smile

Top
#429069 - 03/25/13 12:31 PM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2377
Quote:
There's a brilliant quote from Steve Jobs (of Apple) "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Perfect
_________________________

..


Top
#429087 - 03/25/13 02:59 PM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Here's a good resource from a good man I know who has some inspiring things to say:

http://www.stockdaleresourcegroup.com/blog/

He happens to be writing about Trust this month.

I liked Magellan's post:

"How can I trust another person if I can't even trust myself? If I don't know what motivates me to think, feel, and behave the way I do, how will I ever understand what motivates others to think, feel, and behave the way they do?

So, I seem to be learning, after many many years of effort, that I needed to learn how to have a healthy relationship with myself, to trust myself, to follow my heart, and from there, I begin to learn how to relate with others, and dare to trust them. Sometimes I'll make mistakes and trust the wrong people, but we're human. We make mistakes."
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#429096 - 03/25/13 04:21 PM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Wow, trust seems like the "impossible dream" sometimes. It means making yourself vulnerable, risking being hurt, betrayed, used or abused. Can any of us really afford that? But what's the alternative? Numbing myself with drugs, alcohol, and sex? I've been that route and don't want to go back there.

So trust is all thats left....but how?

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

Top
#429104 - 03/25/13 06:04 PM Re: How to trust people better? [Re: Devin]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:49 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.