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#429025 - 03/25/13 06:08 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 12:23 AM)

#429042 - 03/25/13 11:51 AM Re: Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel.... [Re: Life's A Dream]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 690
Loc: where the shadows lie
Best wishes in seeing the hypnotherapist on friday. I've certainly had amnesiac episodes, and if you are talking about not remembering the abuse . . . yes, that continues to be extremely fuzzy. What I remember changes from day to day. That's why I am writing it all down whenever it comes. Going to put it together like a jigsaw puzzle someday.

"Trigger" for me means a strong emotional/physical response. I become very upset and often feel dizzy. I feel incredibly hot, like I'm on fire, and my face gets red. I have a hard time doing anything but thinking about the fastest way out of the situation. It used to result in memory loss. It probably still would except that I'm better at seeing these attacks coming and moving out of the situation faster.

But that's just me. Everyone is different and there is no law that says everyone gets triggered. Its common, but common doesn't mean its universal. Flashbacks are common, but for me flashbacks are very rare. For me triggers feel like someone is attacking my body chemistry, like if I turned around and saw someone had just stuck me with a needle of adrenaline I don't think I'd be surprised.

You have your own way of processing the emotions. Its no less valid than any other way. And yes, emotional numbing makes a lot of sense as an alternative to be triggered. Whatever way your brain has learned to survive, its not going to change just because its different from how some other people have survived.

I know exactly what you mean about just wanting to know. The thing that keeps me away from EMDR or hypnotherapy is the gnawing fear that I feel this way because I am just a horrible, lazy, self-centered person who would rather be suffering than ordinary. Typing those words out I realize that is my mother's voice in my head not the voice of reality. But so far it still has enough power to make me doubt myself and fear my own brain. I'll wriggle out from under that someday. I hope the session helps you.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#429048 - 03/25/13 01:05 PM Re: Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel.... [Re: Life's A Dream]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Hey LAD,

As you know, I'm with you on the dissociative amnesia front. And yes, it's a tortuous hell to *think* something happened without knowing. Or knowing something happened without the memory of it.

I also have trouble identifying my triggers. I have no clue what makes me decide to act out, for instance.

However, I was triggered by the Sandusky shit. It's what brought me back to MS. I don't have any answers for you right now, other than I'll let you know how the low-dose naltrexone goes.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#429084 - 03/25/13 06:08 PM Re: Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel.... [Re: Life's A Dream]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
I know we have triggers but when they happen we just switch. i sometimes feel like switching is about to happen. i just don't realize it. even for the big stuff like when i should have been aware to run away from danger but i just switch and don't. I have no problems either when watching a "triggering" movie, news, or wathever. Sometimes when this happens, I feel like I'm inside a box made of glass. I can see but I can't feel anything and I know there's someone else out there.

don't feel fake. it's just how your brain works.

#429137 - 03/26/13 05:47 AM Re: Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel.... [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here? Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel like they're not as triggered, or prone to triggers as continuous rememberers? I see a lot of people on here saying they were triggered by the Sandusky coverage and so forth, and I honestly can't relate. I'm hardly triggered by anything. In fact, I feel so emotionally dead inside most the time nothing phases me (not to say I don't assent that it's evil and wrong).

I THINK I have triggers, but maybe I don't understand the term "trigger" correctly. Don't you have to have flashbacks for something to qualify as triggering you? Well, I don't. Makes me feel like a fake, like I don't belong here. I feel stoic most the time, and/or deeply grieved, sick in my guts, and like I'm mourning the death of someone (the latter a lot lately- especially right now).

But some of the stuff I hear people say they find triggering, I feel completely desensitized to. And I hate that. Could this be unique to dissociative amnesiacs? Emotional numbing in lieu of triggerability? Oh well, I don't know, I go to see a hypnotherapist on friday and maybe I'll finally open Pandora's box and know what it's like to really know. There's nothing anyone can say to make me change my mind on recovering my memories. I don't care if it hurts. I just want to FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING FOR ONCE GODDAMNIT!!

I'm glad to hear you say these things. Not for the obvious reasons. When I first came to MS I had to ask what was meant by triggering. I think those of us who are "dissociative amnesiacs" feel it in a different way. Yes I responded differently to a number of subjects that appear in MS> I had trouble understanding that, but your post helps a lot.

I described to the T who recommended EMDR to me that I felt things as though they were behind a veil. As though I was watching a pantomime through a veil.

He was right. I needed EMDR. But afterward I still had a lot of loose memory tags.... things I couldn't quite remember.

I also think we experience the "inner child" differently. When my huge amnesic barrier lifted as I remembered the terrible abuse that happened when I was 12, it dawned on me that I WAS the child. The child remembered the abuse in detail, with the feelings, the voices, the faces, the surroundings. The child was highly traumatized. I was also the adult who had called forth that miserable child. Then I had to figure out how to live with him in the same body. No wonder people had sometimes treated me as a child.

As far as the desensitization part is concerned, it might be more than one thing going on. When I was pretty young I thought I had lost my sense of smell. I was even concerned that maybe nerves had been cut when I had my adenoids out. I even told some boys that when I was about 13. But I've regained this ability to smell, even if fairly recently. Now I can enjoy the scents of Spring. Somehow our brain can turn down the sensitivity to various sensory functions. I also lost the ability to perceive people. I think my perception of music is increasing.



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