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#428884 - 03/24/13 05:33 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
(((( txb ))))

Congrats, brother.

You're doing great.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#428886 - 03/24/13 06:42 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3861
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow that is great news !

you were very brave, here is standing ovation for you wink

Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!
Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!
Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!

My story

#428990 - 03/25/13 01:12 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 412
Thank you. I just don't feel as good about it today as I did yesterday. I actually told my girlfriend who is probably the last person I'd want to tell but she turned out to be the best. I don't think she ever saw me cry before and I don't feel very good about that. I know everyone cries sometimes but I don't like it. I think I maybe scared her a bit. She thought I should tell my dad. When he got in from work I asked her to tell him to come up. So then I was in my room by myself and I felt like jumping out the window to escape, but even the cat struggles to fit out of it so I had no choice but to wait for them to come back up. I mostly got her to tell him in the end. I think that was maybe better. Then he was hugging me and saying stuff to me, like I actually was 4 again, which was really kind of dorky and embarrassing in front of my girlfriend.

After a couple of minutes he started asking me about the other person. And just generally threatening all kinds of stuff to him. My girlfriend, because she is awesome, told him that really wasn't the most important thing right now, so he dropped it. After that we made him go out for Chinese food. I was really hungry because I hadn't eaten all day, so we broke into an easter egg while we waited, then that reminded me about my uncle bribing me with a chocolate egg when I complained. Which made me feel pretty sick and then I couldn't eat anything for a couple more hours.

Last night my dad stayed up late talking to me, just telling me that he thought I was doing an awesome job of handling things. Which is completely untrue. But he has to say that because he is my dad and he'd get fired if he didn't say it. I wish it was true though.

I don't know why this seems so bad. Like on a scale of 1 to 10 of stuff that happened to me it was pretty much like a 2, till I remembered what the chocolate bribe was for, which probably bumped it to a 3. Maybe 4 just for the fact they were horrible to me. But much worse stuff has happened to me and I don't feel this bad about it. I don't feel better at all from telling. Probably I feel worse. If I could make it through maybe 20 minutes without crying I would be really ecstatic.

#428995 - 03/25/13 01:32 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

Just want to say how proud I am of you.

You have some great support there in your girlfriend and dad which helps.

The pain you are feeling will subside in time. It is a wave you just have to ride.

I can really identify with what you are saying about this 4 year old stuff feeling worse but not actually being the worst that happened to you.

The stuff that happened to me at 3 (even though I have no clear memories of it) was 'mild' in comparison to the stuff in the years to follow. But it hurts me the most. It could be because it was the first time I was abused and the shock that someone could betray such an innocent child. The thought that my innocence was lost so young and what hope was there for me. IDK.

FWIW - I think you are doing an awesome job of handling things... and the fact that you are dealing with it now means you have the best chance of having a bright future.

More than meets the eye!

#429035 - 03/25/13 10:44 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Your summary of your experience at 3 is so profound. How it is not the severity of the action, but your age and your degree of innocence which define the extent of hurt it caused. That is a powerful summary of your experience.

#429140 - 03/26/13 06:02 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: txb
I just sort of told someone about what happened to me when I was about 4. Actually not what happened, but just that something did happen.

Some excellent advice has already been given you on this.

It just reminds me of my approach to early abuse. I told the T that I was probably abused that young but that I couldn't remember it. He started using deep relaxation with me. It was explained that it was light hypnotism. The early abuse came up and it solved a lot of the mysteries. Now I think I need some more of that therapy. I'm afraid that the guy who made the kiddie porn films when I was 4 might have done stuff that I can't remember. The fact that I'm so bothered about it may mean that he did do stuff. frown It's that usual fear I had about bringing up new memories. But after they came up they were amenable to solution.


Edited by pufferfish (03/26/13 06:05 AM)

#429216 - 03/26/13 10:28 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I've been reading a book about DID. It is First Person Plural, By Cameron West. The title of the book isn't catchy, but the book is very interesting and very helpful. He was a victim of mother abuse (incest) at an early age. He describes the multiple personalities and how they appear. He describes how the condition appeared and how it affected his job, his wife, his young son, and everything else.

I haven't quite finished this book, but I know enough about it to recommend it highly. One of the things that we survivors who have DID or DIDNOS can use to help ourselves is to read books such as this.

This is an important book on DID.


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