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#428912 - 03/24/13 04:06 PM Back after a long absence (trigger)
JaapVisser Offline

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Hello everyone,

It has been for many months that I posted my last post here and I want to post an update.

From january till july 2012 I started loosing control over my life. I have been suffering much more fear attacks, started loosing grip on reality, a lot of heavy flashbacks and dissociations.
My relationship I had for almost 12 year endured a lot because I also had been with another woman from time to time in the past 5 years and my relationship ended.

I went to a clinic to get threatment and I have been there for 4 months. They diagnosed me again with c-ptss and now also with possible signs of DID (dissociative identity disorder).
Therapy was quite good though very heavy. Because EMDR was traumatising they decided to work with Prolonqued Exposure Therapy. This was too heavy and actually caused a major fallback.
After 4 months they couldn't threat me there and advised me to find more specialised trauma help and I left the clinic.

During my stay there I met my new girlfriend who also had a history of sexual abuse in her past. She also had borderline.
I fell really deeply in love and we worked very carefully on our relationship. After we both left we went living together and for the first time in a long long time I felt extremely happy, understood and had the feeling I had a good grip on my life and problems. Eventhough our relationship wasn't easy due to our problems we could handle everything very well. She had quite heavy psychotic attacks from time to time, but I could deal with it without problems.

We lived in a temporary house till we would move to our new house on the first of March in Belgium. We were extremely happy together and allthough our relationship was young I proposed and we planned our wedding on the 26th of September 2013.
On the 12th of February when I wasn't at home for a weekend I got a call that our house was on fire. I drove to our house and saw the house burning down and the fire department couldn't do anything. My girlfriend died in the fire. She was only 40 years old.
The police is still investigating what has happened and since that time I have been completely broken and devestated
I tried to commit suicide but it failed and I became homeless. I am temporary staying at a friends house after I have been put temporary in a clinic for a few weeks after my suicide attempt.

I am trying to build up my life now again, but am suffering heavy nightmares about the fire. I am getting good help from the local mental health clinics here, but it is extremely difficult from time to time. Also my past is constantly pushing and the flashbacks and body memories seem to be more heavier then the last couple of months.

Sorry for this emotional post, but I needed to post this update. Thank you all for reading.

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

#428913 - 03/24/13 04:13 PM Re: Back after a long absence (trigger) [Re: JaapVisser]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello Jaap and welcome back to where you belong, among your fellow survivors. I feel so badly for your loss, please know that it will feel badly for a time, but you can heal.

Please post your thoughts and feelings with us, we will suffer with you that one day, we may rejoice with you. My best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#428924 - 03/24/13 05:27 PM . [Re: JaapVisser]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (04/22/13 03:03 AM)

#428939 - 03/24/13 07:17 PM Re: Back after a long absence (trigger) [Re: JaapVisser]
JaapVisser Offline

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 57
Loc: The Netherlands
Thank you Sam and Bryan for your very kind words. Sorry to hear about your brother Bryan. I hope they are doing fine.
I never realized how traumatizing a fire was, but also how horrible news reports are. It is so hard and emotional devastating to read in the news about your fiance when they call it "corps", "dead body" etc. I never realized these things until it happens to you.

I am trying to reach out and I thank god for the friend I am staying with. She is an incredible woman and is also the woman I had an relationship with during my long relationship. It makes things complicated though happily we can talk very well and it's incredible how understanding and helpful she is.
Most of my friends are having a hard time with me. They didn't understand the suicide attempt and left me alone afterwards.

I feel lonely now and it is so quiet without my fiance. It's driving me nuts sometimes.
I have survived 10 years of abuse and torture, struggled my whole life with getting my life on track and fighting against ptsd. For the first time I felt my life made a positive switch and then this is happening.
I am happy now I am alive and I will fight as long as I live and carry on. I know Trudy, that's the name of my fiance, would have wanted this.
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.


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