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#431535 - 04/17/13 09:31 AM Re: Keeping Things 'Surface'...lack of depth [Re: Airmid]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa

From what I can understand here and from our personal experiences I can offer the following advice.

My husband is a survivor or rather a thriver of CSA and rape as a young adult and I to am a CSA survivor. We are a somewhat success story after a healing journey of almost 11 years and a fulfilling marriage of almost 28 years.

As a woman I do believe we handle trauma not better, but more openly. In other words as a female we are generally more open to bearing our souls.It is so much more difficult for a man. Your husband needs to feel more comfortable about discussing his trauma. No amount of prodding or pushing will produce results, he has to feel at ease with opening up his can of worms.

Your H needs to know that other men are facing similar demons to him, he needs to know he is not a freak, he needs to know he is still a man even if he faces his trauma. There are several recovery weekends run - Mike Lew (author of Victims no Longer) and I stand to correction MS themselves, offer these weekends, unfortunately at a cost.

My husband attended one last year in England and it was the tipping point for him. I say this with absolute conviction, it will be worth cutting the family budget to shreads just to get him to one of these workshops.

Unfortunately, through all of this you need to look after yourself but know that it is possible to get through it and when you do, your relationship will be the better for it. PM me if you would like to talk on a more personal note.


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#431853 - 04/20/13 04:17 PM Re: Keeping Things 'Surface'...lack of depth [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Rosemary and Whome, thank you so much! That was huge!

He disclosed this week...and then the counselor (through a DV clinic) said we only have two sessions left. His IC is at a local college with a grad student, who will be seeing him at least through the end of summer.

He was so sad and hinted that there might be more; he still has 'lost time', and I completely understand that. (Still have a few years myself that are blanked out for the most part.) I thanked him for talking, and the session did center around how both of us are emotionally triggered the most. it was really helpful. She asked that we look into each working on our old tapes and life lies we were taught, too. It was a great session.

I'm working on changing my responses to his anger when it surfaces (even if it shows up as irritations and smaller stuff) so that the door stays open for communication and support. I keep inadvertently closing it with my "don't you dare treat me that way/talk to me like that" reactions based on my history. Choosing to respond instead of react is a big deal, and I'm willing to take that on.


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