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#428377 - 03/18/13 08:27 PM in one word CONFUSED
montecristo Offline

Registered: 03/15/13
Posts: 9
when i was 8 a friend of the family who was 16 told me that he wanted to show me what grown ups kept as a secret. he took me to a bathroom in the back of a store and asked me to kiss him like in the movies. i did not know so he stick out his tounge and told me to stick mine out and rub them toghether. as i did he undid my pants and touched me. i was scared but i was also liking it. then he told me to do the same to him. it was my first time seen a fully erect one. he asked me to put it in my mouth as deep as i could. i did as i was told i don't know why but i had to. a part of me was screaming this is wrong but another was wondering what is next. he told me to step back and i saw him ejaculate and sent me home.
it happenned three or four time until one day we were almost got cought. he told me that i was good at it and that as woulg grow i would get better at it.
for reasons i don't remember we didn't crossed path again, but his words, i was marked. everytime i heard a gay comment i would see if it was about me. i felt that everybody knew.
around 12 i asked my father what if a man kissed me, he turned white and told me just to stay away from that. never to be mentioned again. with him, but i was confused i was liking girls, exploring with playboys and pent house trying to peep under skirts, but in my mind, his words. sometimes i would fantasize about a girl and ended up thinking about oral sex with men, not boys, men. even to the point of being raped.
at 16 i told a person from church. he was 32. some times 3 or 4 guys would watch hbo movies at his house. one day i was left alone with him in the middle of a movie. he changed the channel to a porn channel he told me lets do real men stuff.
it went like that every week for about a month one day he put a gay porn movie and told me that we were going to find out if what that guy said was true. to my shame i was willing to try. we did everything. i got an erection penetrated him to completion then he did me.
but i always kept asking myself why did i felt so dirty if i oviously enjoied it. was i a victim of a coerced raped, or a dumb kid? why do i keep fighting off those urges 25 years later? if you asked me today i still feel dirty about it
“Life is a storm. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout: Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you”
Alexandre Dumas

#428429 - 03/19/13 01:11 PM Re: in one word CONFUSED [Re: montecristo]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey rev rant, welcome to Male Survivor!
I'm sorry that you have to be here and that you went trough so much frown
At least you are at right place in search for additional support, stories about healing and friendship of fellows survivors.
It needed a lot of courage to write your story, my hat goes off to you because of that wink !
Many of us are left confused, our borders were shattered, we were brought to sexuality much earlier than it is normal and it left long lasting scars.
Please take your time for slowly exploring this site. Take care for yourself as sometimes it can be overwhelming and too much to take.
Be aware that many of us have problems with confusion (starting with myself) and there is no need to be ashamed because of that.
You are not alone wink !

My story

#428435 - 03/19/13 04:47 PM Re: in one word CONFUSED [Re: montecristo]
finallyopen Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Hey Riv
It takes a man to tell his story and you've done exactly that.
Your first abuse was very similar to mine and at that age you really don't know what you are doing. The older person is taking advantage of your innocence and vunerability. So it was his problem not yours.
With your second traumatic event it was still perpetrated by an older individual and seems as though it was co-erced. He took advantage of your confidence in what you felt was a safe place to get help.
You are not alone in your confusion, many of us have lived a long time - confused as hell. Some of us are just now taking stalk and trying to figure things out as many of the resources (although limited) that are available today, were not available to us in our younger years.
Take the time to heal man .. everyone here will help you on your journey!

My Story :

#428889 - 03/24/13 12:46 PM Re: in one word CONFUSED [Re: montecristo]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...

This right here "but his words, i was marked. everytime i heard a gay comment i would see if it was about me. i felt that everybody knew." was exactly how I felt for the longest time. When I was in fourth grade, I was talking with a friend on the bus, and he called somebody gay. I said "so what does that mean?" and he said "it's when men have sex and stuff with other men and do things with them that most other men would do with women". At that moment, everything that had been happening between me and my cousin clicked and I basically began to panic and thought "that's it, I'll never be able to have a girlfriend or get married or anything because this must mean I'm gay now". You'd be amazed at how long that stuck with me, even though I could never get into acting out with other guys or felt like I wanted relationships with them beyond a normal friendship.

To make matters even more terrifying, that same day we had a health class about HIV and AIDS where they mentioned that gay men were at a high risk of contracting the disease through unprotected sex, which again, as of that morning, I had figured out that I had tried with my cousin (who was my abuser) about a month ago. Didn't matter that I was too young to get an erection and couldn't penetrate him, or that he didn't penetrate me after I asked him to stop trying (though he did try), I was convinced that somehow I had contracted AIDS and was going to die.

I told my parents everything when I got home that night, and that was that, nobody spoke of it ever again. Without that though, who knows what could have happened or where it could have gone.

I didn't initially go to therapy to deal with abuse. I went because it was driving me crazy trying to figure out if I was straight or gay, and why it was that I was turned on by women, but fixated on penises; enjoyed lesbian, straight, AND gay porn; why I could masturbate over girls I found attractive but would also fantasize about my cousin masturbating in front of me or performing oral on me; etc. etc. etc. I had an inkling that a lot of this was linked to my abuse though.

Therapy helped out so much in learning about the WHY of things. I did EMDR for two years which focuses on how memories make you feel, emotions you have tied to those memories, physical feelings, etc. and helps you to re-process them in to things that are more benign or that you can understand and try to make peace with.

I do still have the occasional flashbacks to being abused when I masturbate, but now I know why and it doesn't bother me like it used to, not to mention it almost never happens. I stopped caring for gay porn because I realize now it was something I was using to try and imagine myself taking control of my abuse, when in actuality it was what Ken Singer refers to as "trauma through orgasm". I was using it to try and control and re-imagine my abuse, but the fact that I was watching it and forcing myself to orgasm to it only made matters more confusing. I don't fixate on other peoples penises either, and although I will still always try to compare and measure up to other men in a "I wish I could be as athletic/not bald/well endowed as that guy" I realize now that that isn't the same thing as sexual attraction.

At any rate, welcome. This can be a difficult and confusing process, and it's important to remember that progress you make will not always be linear. It's more like being on a roller coaster. This board gave me a lot of needed help and support when I felt my worst, and I hope it helps you as well.


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