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#428313 - 03/17/13 09:53 PM Anger
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
What is the process for a survivor to deal with anger?

It seems to me that anger is the mainstay of my husband's personality. Sometimes it simmers in a quiet hum in the background of our lives - and sometimes it bursts free and he strikes out against unimportant people, things or situations. The anger has stopped being directed at me, but it is still there. Still there. I can feel it every day.

Any survivors have success at working through this kind of thing?

#428341 - 03/18/13 06:57 AM Re: Anger [Re: Esposa]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309

Speaking for myself -

I learnt early on in therapy that Anger is not a real emotion - it's a defence mechanism. It's what we resort to when the real emotions are too overwhelming to cope with. Under the anger, there is intense pain, fear, feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, etc, etc. They all manifest and anger because anger so infinitely easier to express than what is really going on. To get through the anger, you have to work through the underlying emotions...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#428550 - 03/21/13 02:48 AM Re: Anger [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Well said Gecko.

Of course when my husband got angry I felt like he was finally feeling something and no longer numbing with his addictions and so that was good.

It was weird to see him like that. Kinda scary. I felt like I was living with a stranger. This sweet, mild mannered man I married never really existed. It was a mask hiding all the ugly behaviours. Quite shocking really.

I think I would rather see his angry outbusts and tantrums then the acting out shit. Call me crazy....

#428631 - 03/21/13 11:35 PM Re: Anger [Re: Esposa]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Hey lucy would you mind giving more details? When you say always angry is it like he always has a negative attitude or like he freaks out and yells at the drop of a hat?
I don't know if this has any truth to it but I read somewhere that female survivors tend to feel very sad first and then it turns to anger before acceptance
However men are the opposite most of the time and feel anger and rage before sadness
I do agree though that anger is always a secondary emotion. I think it can be useful if we let it propel us toward growth and positive change.
Is you H in therapy? Do you think this is just part of his process?
Everything comes from within

#428850 - 03/23/13 10:02 PM Re: Anger [Re: Esposa]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
"Anger is not it's own emotion, it is fear, amplified." Anger is a reaction to the fear a survivor has not processed, the terror of a million million paranoid thoughts, feelings and behavior within and without oneself because of the traumatic experience.

Empathy, hope and a safe environment can "teach" a survivor that when one is reaching in to find the unsettling and terrifying memories one CAN be calm, processing the fear into mature understanding and security. It is a process, I strongly suggest a Weekend of Recovery.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#428859 - 03/23/13 11:48 PM Re: Anger [Re: lucylives]
Taurus Offline

Registered: 12/01/11
Posts: 13
Lucy, it was the same with my husband. It got to the point where I felt I was living with a stranger. The anger was always there whether I just felt the vibe or whether he was screaming at me or throwing or punching something.


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