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#428763 - 03/23/13 02:35 AM Wives and Girlfriends...
Taurus Offline

Registered: 12/01/11
Posts: 13
It's been a long time since I've been on here.

Has anyone totally lost their survivor to what is probably PTSD?

I met my husband in 2003 and we started dating in 2004. Broke up after 2.5 years of dating because he couldn't tell me that he loved me even though I knew he did. Got back together 1 year later and then he proposed 2 months later. Got married in 2008 and 2.5 years later the changes in him occurred. He quit his job of 17.5 years out of the blue, saying he was getting in fights with people at work, which was NOT like him AT ALL, and then the anger toward me built and built over the next 8 months. I attributed it to the stress of not having a job. But other strange things happened. He quit his job in November and January was when I started to notice changes. In January he told me he didn’t want an “effing” job. Totally out of character for him. He didn’t cuss. Then that February, he told me he didn’t believe in God – we were both born and raised Catholic and we went to Church each week together – does this make any sense? Can you imagine my confusion? He also stopped wearing his wedding band a couple of months later and told me he didn’t like “to wear jewelry”. Now, this was after he told me he loved wearing a wedding band. There were quite a few instances of violence toward the end - not to me but he punched through a wall and a door and broke some things. He went to his Mom's for a few nights because he told her we were fighting - we weren't - I was crying because I didn't understand the strange things he was saying that made no sense. He said my family was scrutinizing him, that he was unhappy and we were incompatible and that we fought all the time (we didn't) and that there was tension between me and his family (there never was any tension). The last night he was at his Mom's he spent 1.5 hrs on the phone with me telling me he didn't love me and had never loved and after the last 8 months, I believed him and figured our marriage was over. The next day he came back home and didn't recall saying any of those things. I now know that is known as a micro-amnesia. I was so frightened at that point and I would not have left if it had not been for the outbursts of rage and physical violence. At that point I knew something bad was happening inside his head. I went to my parents for what I thought would only be a night or two. I thought I would get help and support from his family and we would get therapy for him and everything would be alright – he had been put on an anti-depressant and I figured his Mom, a former nurse, would understand the effects that a med like that can have on someone. I myself was a radiologic technologist and knew a good bit of medical info as well. I contacted several of his family members and no one would listen to me. Now, more than 1.5 years later, I have no contact with my husband and miss him so much.

Unbeknownst to me, he had projected all the bad stuff going on his head on to me, making his family believe that I am "crazy" and have a "psycho brain" as his Mom nastily told me last June when I called her to make sure he was alright after he all of a sudden stopped talking to me and answering e-mails. We had had phone and e-mail contact up until that point - even though I never knew which "mood" he would be in - the man that loved me or the man that loathed me. After that phone call with his Mom, I felt it was in my best interest to file for divorce and I did so. About 2 months earlier, I had told my husband that I could file for divorce in the state I lived in – we still couldn’t file in our home state and when I told him that, he broke down on the phone and cried. I again told him I loved him and did not want a divorce. Now, a few weeks earlier, on Easter I called him and during that conversation he told me he didn’t give a damn about me and was going to file a law suit against me. I knew right off the bat that he was having another micro-amnesia and would not remember what he said and the next time I spoke with him, sure enough, he did not remember what he said. I could almost hear a switch clicking in his head. We would be on the phone and he would be fine and then that switch would click and he would change in the middle of a conversation. I could also tell through e-mails which mode he was in. His grammar and sentence structure would change.

I never knew he was sexually abused until 2.5 months after I left and my Dad and I were up at my husband's and my home with a moving truck to get things out of the house and when everything was done, my husband broke down in my arms and told me he loved me, and this was after months of always being mean to me and angry with me all the time. That night I called him and that's when he told me he had been sexually abused when he was a little boy.

At this point, I had already rented a place and had the moving truck moving my things to another state for several reasons – I thought my husband hated me and his family wouldn’t listen me so I felt I had to “start over” and I couldn’t afford to live on my own in the state we lived in and I had family in the state I was moving to. So from 1000 miles away, I tried to give my husband support and information. I tried to save our marriage. He refused therapy and would not do it. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t afford flights back and forth and because I was still frightened at the “dark” side of him that would come out. I found this website, spent hours researching the effects of sexual abuse and that’s how I found out about PTSD. I also spoke to 2 therapists to learn more about PTSD and childhood sexual abuse. Pieces of the puzzle started coming together, but my husband seemed to get worse as the months progressed. I could have gone to his family and told them of the abuse (he told me I’m the only living person who knows), but he is such a gentle soul I am so afraid that he might try to kill himself if I did so and that is why I keep my silence and I deal with the pain of losing the love of my life. I believe it was his paternal grandfather who was the abuser. I have a hunch his father may have been abused as well. Possibly his sister. I don’t think his brother was though but this is all surmise. He doesn’t seem to like his older brother. I’ve wondered if his older brother somehow escaped the abuse and that is why he doesn’t care for him. He never would tell me who it was, but I do know they are deceased and he once referred to his paternal grandfather as a “bad man” and that his grandmother was a strong woman for dealing with him. I wonder is his family does suspect or even know. I am angry at them for not even listening to me and if they do know or at least suspect, they have torn 2 people apart who love each other very much and they tore 2 families apart. Our Moms used to go out to lunch together. That’s how intertwined our families were.

I flew back home in December to visit family and went up to what is now my husband’s home. He was not there so I called him. He has projected so much that he thinks I actually was able to get a gun on to the plane and came up there to hurt him. In the same conversation he also told me that he didn’t believe I had really filed for divorce – and he has had phone contact with my attorney. So, I know it’s really bad. He also told me he was calling the police – on what grounds, I do not know. The only thing he could tell the police was that I was in the same state as he and on the phone with him, other than that there would have been no legal grounds for the police to be called. The only thing I can think of is that when I left him and support from his family failed, he projected this on me as well because my Mom decided to call for a police escort in to our home…I had to go back to get my cats and more clothes and such. When I again called his father for support on the Friday after I left, his father said that my assessment must be “mistaken.” After I got off the phone with his father, my husband called my cell phone in a rage and screamed, “ You called my Father!” I was so upset at this point I couldn’t even speak. I just broke into tears. My Mom took my phone from me and spoke with my husband for 10-15 minutes. After she got off the phone, she said, we are calling the Sheriff’s office for an escort. She said, “That is not ‘J’. She said he was blank and couldn’t recall things she was telling him and didn’t even sound like himself. In her line of work, she is used to dealing with people that are mentally unstable and does know the signs.

It’s so hard not knowing how he is doing. I believe he is holding down a rather high level position. I do believe that I am THE trigger and so I stay out of his life. I feel like I am widowed and miss him so very much. Before all this happened, my husband was the kindest, sweetest, gentlest person you could ever hope to meet. He was responsible, loving, tender, and respectful. He treated me like a queen. He was my best friend and to this day, I love him more than anything on this planet.

I’m sorry this is so long, but it feels good to get all this out. My family has been wonderful and so supportive and they know I tend to hold things in and not share my pain. No one I know has been through this, so no one else can really, truly understand. For me, this is the kind of thing that is a movie or a book, not my own life.

I just wanted to get all this out in a place where some may be able to relate. I just take it day by day and my faith in God helps me so much.

Thank you if you read this whole thing.

For anyone else who's been through the same thing, how do you cope? I just feel an overall sense of sadness and just hope for a miracle.

Edited by Taurus (03/23/13 03:42 AM)

#428821 - 03/23/13 03:55 PM Re: Wives and Girlfriends... [Re: Taurus]
Alyk13 Offline

Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
Wow! I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can identify, my husband also projects on me. He discovered his abuse about 3 years ago, there has alwasys been a bittnerness he held against me, but the last 3 years have been a living hell, as you stated throwing things, breaking things and the emotional/verbal abuse was about all I could take. We have been together over 20 years. I was abused as a child so I understand some of what he's going through but everyone is different. I simply came to a place where I said, I can't help you with this anymore, you need help from outside sources that I would be glad to listen and talk with him as long as it did not turn toward me (bringing up the past) and not really focusing on what it was he felt. He has started reading some books and found a helpful website. We are still married. The bottom line is that your guy has to want the help and you have to keep your sanity. Some days are better than others for us, but I have myself and my children to think about so I really have to focus on listening, not reacting and keeping the conversations on point. So some areas I can relate with you and sometimes I think it would be better for him if I was not around, I love him very much but I can't do it for him, he has to want to do it for himself.
I hope some of this will help you.
Best Wishes!

#428858 - 03/23/13 11:45 PM Re: Wives and Girlfriends... [Re: Alyk13]
Taurus Offline

Registered: 12/01/11
Posts: 13
Thanks Aly. It's been a hard road. I think he is at the point where he has projected so much that he has convinced himself that I am crazy. I think it's just another protective mechanism. If he has convinced himself that I'm crazy, then that means he is okay and can function at his job and taking care of his home. I think that was the best solution his mind came up with once the dam inside his head broke.

There was emotional and verbal abuse with him as well. He would tell me I was stupid and mean things like that.

#428897 - 03/24/13 02:02 PM Re: Wives and Girlfriends... [Re: Taurus]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
It sounds like he's got some parania going on big time, which is definitely a PTSD symptom, as well as the blame and avoidance dance.

With my H, as long as people, places and things outside of himself could be blamed for "making" him rageful, sad (or any emotion), he did that. When he was finally confronted in therapy and risked losing the marriage, he got help. Each dynamic and situation that brings survivors to their bottoms is different, although the feelings of shame are the same.

I was prepared to live life not with my H until and unless he began getting help, because his emotional and verbal abuse was damaging the entire family. I also responded unhealthily in kind, and had/have plenty of my own work to do.

When his solutions stop working is probably when he'll seek help for solutions that do work. I wouldn't wish on anyone the pain survivors endure. I do disagree that you yourself are his trigger. Many men here discuss that intimacy, closeness and care are often triggers for the shame they feel, and I've found that to be true with my H. When their core beings feel worthless, they act with the expectation that they deserve to be treated as worthless, often along with drawing that treatment of themselves out of those closest to them. It justifies the "I'm nothing" feelings they have. I hope some survivors might be able to speak to this for you.

Again, it's not you, and you're spot on for not tolerating intolerable abuse and encouraging him to heal no matter what it takes for him to do that. I wish you well.


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