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#428689 - 03/22/13 11:12 AM Amazed I am here
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Hello all

Thank you for having me here. I have cried more in the last few days reading the forums here than I have in decades.

I am a 39 years old native american. I think I was abused somewhere from 4-6 by a babysitter....check that. I KNOW I was abused, but when and how is foggy. Ive always known but always placed those memories back in the box whenever they bubble up. I can only place in time from some other clues like what home we were living in at the time.

I lie. I lie a lot. I have always lied. I have always know that lying is wrong, but one leads to the next, and if I can just push dealing til later than that's good. Later is always better, just not right now.

My son is the same age as I was and this crushes me. I fear so much. I wish I had some anger, but I don't. Just numbness, fear, shame and lies.

I have just gone thru another cycle of lies and I got caught. As is the normal cycle what I started lying about was no big deal, but lies, upon lies until I could no longer continue with that lie.

My wife finely said what's wrong with you? And for the first time I got angry. I got angry and told her the truth. "What's wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me...I live a lie every day...every day of my damm life I lie. And here is the big giant lie I live. I was sexually abused as a child and I think about it almost every day, and I lie to myself that is no big deal."


I had never shared that secret. And as the years went on I was sure that it was no big deal, I was just weak, pathetic, and ultimately unworthy of love.

I had finally told the truth to someone

#428692 - 03/22/13 12:28 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584
Welcome--thank you for sharing. It is difficult to share--sounds like you have a good wife, she stands by you. It is journey to heal. Ups and downs, facing the past we long ago tried to bury--it was never truly buried but rather it was festering inside, hold us back, controlling us. You have come to a great place to share and heal. Share at a pace you are comfortable. People will not judge.

Good luck.

#428724 - 03/22/13 03:55 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome Agate,

Sorry you need to be here, but am glad you made it this far. Your story of your CSA is yours alone, but the consequences you've lived with sound alot like mine and many others here.

Anytime you need to talk, publicly or privately, there's always someone here for you. We aren't therapists but we all "get it" and support each other. Be well buddy, you've got 11,000 guys watching your back.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#429496 - 03/29/13 05:29 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for the kind words

I have my first thearipist appt next week and I'm am very anxious. Unsure what is expected of me and what I should expect from him

#429514 - 03/29/13 10:30 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 499
Loc: Ohio
Welcome Agate. Hope the appt goes well.

#429624 - 03/31/13 11:59 AM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
ER3277 Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 4
Welcome Agate,
Thanks to you, for giving yourself the opportunity of change and become a better person.

Great step! I'm sure you'll find here big support and information.

Best wishes.

PD: Im not a native english speaker.

#429685 - 03/31/13 11:28 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5959
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I have my first thearipist appt next week and I'm am very anxious. Unsure what is expected of me and what I should expect from him

Therapy is straightforward. Not all therapists are male sexual abuse experts, so ask. If the one you are using is not, ask for a referral. It is an interview, the therapist's, make sure you got the right doc for the job. Therapy, with concerted effort, can take months or years. It will hurt, what you need to have come up and to reason on is painful, traumatic and agonizing. Still, for stability, comfort, hope, strength of character and even happiness, it is SO worth it. Talk therapy is generally understood to be the MOST effective treatment for sexual abuse recovery.

Please consider a Weekend of Recovery, it has been described as "years of therapy in three days". I went, I learned, I conquered. I highly recommend it.

My best to you on this healing journey,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#429715 - 04/01/13 10:12 AM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Excellent first steps, Agate...and welcome, btw. Though you're a "liar" you told The Big Truth to your wife. imo, that's huge. You're seeking therapy - SamV has some good suggestions - and you posted here.

I'll back up SamV and mention your first therapist may not be the best one for you. It's always up to you. It's your choice. And if you're unsure, post here. Lots of experience for you to draw on.

As far as lies, particularly among those of us who were raised in households where alcoholism was an additional problem, a lot of us lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. It's an acquired habit. You may or may not find this helpful:

Personally, even years later, it's something of which I'm still aware in myself, particularly in daily interactions. I've found it takes conscious practice. Each time I do it I feel better. Most of the time it's okay just to be me, without the embellishments. But it's conscious effort.

We're here to back you up, Agate.

#429756 - 04/01/13 06:06 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Oh Bro!

Welcome. (((Agate))) Safe hug.

#429829 - 04/02/13 02:12 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for the welcome, it means so much.

What I've found so far is I have become hyper emotionally sensitive.
I'd almost compare it to the minefield of dealing with a very pms wife.

I think I'll start a new thread as to what happened at Easter.

#429846 - 04/02/13 03:56 PM Re: Amazed I am here [Re: Agate]
@JJ Offline

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 2

I don't know what the lying is about, but I know it has to do with not facing what you went through, and you did go through it.

I had to remember the one feeling of being partially sodomized and living with the shame of not being able to let my molester do it all the way. I had that memory every time I got in the shower ..... until I got some help. Now, t hat's a rare occurence, thankfully. So, don't let anyone tell you "it didn't happen." That's another way for people not to deal with it and for you not to deal with it.

I commend you for telling your wife and releasing some of that anger. My wife wasn't terribly supportive, but she did help me. I'm only sorry not getting help (or remembering it sooner) hurt my marriage. I was doing things no heterosexual would do in a marriage ...... and I didn't understand that either. When I did find out what I was doing, I was able to rid myself of it.

My fantasy was about three men and me. My therapist told me, "You're trying to, simultaneously, reenact what happened to you." Dealing with that ....... saved me and it can save you, too.

Maybe you were so used to (innocently) lying to yourself, that it came easy to lie to eveyone else. But it does catch up to you.

A while ago. I wrote a story called "Like Yesterday" and how everyday, like you, I thought about what happened to me and I hated the after-effects. Through great therapy, my thoughts are not about being abused. I was able to write a letter to my 6yo self and tell Little Jimmy, "We made it out okay. it was rough, but we did it and you're safe now."

Iwas able to go to a group once and, finally, cry out all the tears I had and it felt great. I was, also, physically able to hurt my abuser ..... with some PlayDo. Taht felt great, too. Not only is your anger in your mind; it's in your body, too (locked-up) and you need to release that as well. Never forget to exercise. It fights all that frustraiton and depression (which I had suffered with, too).

Hope this helps.


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