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#428504 - 03/20/13 09:46 AM My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS
Suwanee Offline

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MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1107
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/26/16 10:55 AM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#428559 - 03/20/13 11:34 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
BraveFalcon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Hi Will. Wow, what an intelligent and insightful post! I want you to know that I did read your story the other day and, while I could not quite find the words to respond to it with at the time, I can clearly see the parallels you've drawn here between your abuse and your "unique" methods of acting-out. It is a little hard for me to relate, as a lot of my acting-out, or at least my desires to, have been of the more classic and less healthy variety. Still, your post made me want to look deeper and explore the possibility that there may have been things I've been doing for years that have been subconscious forms of acting-out without even realizing I'm doing it.

The good news is, you seem to have a crystal clear perspective of your inner motivations and know yourself very well. That's not something everyone can say. That type of intrapersonal intelligence isn't what I'd call common, although I believe it's more common among CSA survivors as many of us developed it as a survival skill and a post-survival healing mechanism. I suppose that type of intelligence is forced to develop when you're all alone in your head and feel like you have only yourself to rely on.

Anyway, good read, good post and definitely food for though. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#428575 - 03/21/13 04:24 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Publius Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I remember awhile back reading about your circumcision in college and how it left you feeling. Reading through your post I think you are spot on about the control aspect of your acting out. I am happy you came to this realization and are exploring how it affected your life. You really put it together well chronologically (CSA -> sports focus -> control issues) and it makes sense as a survival technique. Not all acting out is SSA and CSA does not only lead to acting out but rather a whole bunch of other possible psychological/physical problems. The fact that you have grabbed ahold of some of yours so well is really encouraging : )
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#428583 - 03/21/13 06:07 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
peroperic2009 Offline

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MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3772
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Will this is so insightful topic.
Maybe it wasn't acting out in terms of being driven under some lustful feelings and losing control to it but definitely in terms of being somehow hurt and losing part of self (literally) it is. So in that sense your experience overlaps with other survivors.
I see that some survivors are more channeling their energy and traumatic conflicts toward outside which includes dealing with repeating risky experiences with other people. But some are exclusively self oriented meaning isolation from other people in some illogical search for self confirmation that many times includes some kind of self hurting.
In any case we are trying to "see" what will happen and try to repeat it.

While reading your post it reminded me about some my strange play with giving control back than at college.
During my studying I felt in love to girl friend with whom I spent countless nights in doing homework and preparing for tests.
Many times some situation would repeat and I was never sure why and how. She was very dominant girl but relating to studying she would lean on me as we would do it together and I was always helping her.
Basically I would give her all may notes and books (as some crazy act of love) just to make her feel more confident and better even that would mean that I would be under stress as I couldn't learn and read things for test on my own. I knew that I'm giving my self totally to her control, in some way I didn't like it but I repeated it many times. I'm shameful to admit but that masochist platonic relationship lasted for years.

Who knows how many our acts could be seen as form of acting out after we become aware of problems with abuse and long lasting scars. Just my two cents.

Pero
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My story

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#428592 - 03/21/13 09:34 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3024
Will

Thank you--it sheds light that acting out the pain is not always the more known or expected ways. Pain becomes a part of our iife --be it physical or emotional. It is a way to escape. Being re-victimized or subjecting oneself to pain in some distorted way is to recreate the sensation or feeling of being controlled like we were as a child. Your words and thoughts made me realize it. I too hear many say they have not acted out but probably in some way the have acted out to relieve or relive the pain and hurt. Thank you for sharing, it truly was helpful for me.

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#428602 - 03/21/13 10:46 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2336
What an incredible post, Will! I relate on so many levels; it's as if we journeyed through our abuse in similar ways (acting out, over-achieving, thinking we were past the CSA issues until they kept resurfacing in our lives in other forms). I'm busting to write more here in response but am at work on my Android so this will have to do for now...
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#428606 - 03/21/13 11:05 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Will,

The full "spectrum" of acting out hasn't really been explored here in detail - thanks for opening the door more broadly. Seems like after your abuse you were DOUBLY overcompensating: becoming a type-A academic / athletic goldenboy to get past the stain / stigma of the attack, and then having to compensate for *that* by signing up for some controlled pain / submission / exploitation, to help you pry off the confines of the mask.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#428612 - 03/21/13 01:06 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 383
Loc: Midwest


Edited by DavoSwim (03/22/13 02:46 AM)

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#428613 - 03/21/13 01:55 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1055
Hey Will,

Great post. You're really thinking through this stuff. I'm working on a new post, too. You've inspired me.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428614 - 03/21/13 02:17 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1107
Loc: SE USA
I worried about posting this---as I always do. It was almost as hard as the initial abuse. It's a direct view into the messy inner workings of my mind. It's the old DOS that underlays the old Microsoft Windows.

It's easy to blame everything on CSA, but the pattern that has emerged for me over the last few months now seems very obvious. A number of you have mentioned that this twist on post-abuse behavior is thought-provoking. I hope that this sideways glance back at some of my past helps you as it has helped me. Truth be told, several recent threads and a series of PMs helped me get to this point. I won't mention them all, but I think it represents the best aspects of MS.

Matt, you nailed it. I reacted to the abuse by going all out as an overachiever. I tempered that response with my brand of acting out.

This is a real mess to think about. I feel like I have finally solved one level of a video game only to find that the next level is even more complicated.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (03/21/13 02:22 PM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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