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#428556 - 03/21/13 03:10 AM I lost my hero
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Tonight I feel numb. Its like the progress I grabbed onto from last week slipped away into the night.

Last week in the T session, we talked about the earliest assaults. And the flashbacks of not just me, but a couple of my siblings being used, hurt, abused like some... I don't know. Its just too much to think about. And I might lose my numb feelings.

But in talking with the T, I shared something else I never talk about but tonight I want to share. In my early years, I had an older cousin on momma's side who WAS MY PROTECTOR... I have never forgotten him. Ten years older and he always chose me, always played with me, always spent time with me. Something must have told him to love me, because he did. And I felt safe and special and LOVED. And he never once did anything inappropriate to me. Ever. And when I was with him, I remember feeling so protected. (It was an older cousin from the other side who stole my early childhood.)

One spring morning, my mother laid the newspaper on the kitchen table and opened it. Such a clear memory. She was talking about something, but I don't remember anything other than she pointed to an article and told me to come read it. Others were around, so I guess it was the family.

I was an early reader, so I climbed up onto the chair, I remember it well. Chrome and red... so vivid in my memory. At the age of 5, I read that my cousin, my protector and my friend- had died. The family was having me discover the death of my protector by reading the obituary section of the newspaper. I don't remember anyone saying, "....has died..." or hugging me or preparing me. All they did was say "read the article". My cousin was 15 and had been hit by a car driven by a drunk driver. He died instantly.

After he died, there was no one. No one ever cared to pick me first ever again, no one ever again made me feel special and loved as a "little brother" should feel- and I was the littlest brother. I kid you not, there was no one to ever again watch over me as my cousin had. This lose of him still haunts me today, but last week was the first time in 50 years that I was permitted to mourn for him. I cried for him, I cried for me. I just cried. I had no idea how much his lose meant in my life...even today. Its nice just knowing that at one point in my life, someone found me to be special in a normal, natural sense. That part makes me smile.

I didn't realize it at the age of 5, but of course my friend and protector would never return. I had lost my hero.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#428558 - 03/21/13 03:29 AM Re: I lost my hero [Re: ThisMan]
SouthernLaw Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
I hope you are able to find some peace with his passing now that you have allowed yourself or are allowing yourself to morn. We dont know each other but through the bond we share I feel your pain, I love you and just know that brother you are not alone.
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

#428561 - 03/21/13 04:28 AM Re: I lost my hero [Re: ThisMan]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I am very sorry for your loss. Your cousin may be gone from this world, but in your heart, you will always have him. No one will ever be able to take that from you. He will stay with you throughout your worldly journey.

#428587 - 03/21/13 11:22 AM Re: I lost my hero [Re: ThisMan]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1310
First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss you experienced.

It maybe small solace, but the fact that you are writing about your cousin--sharing his kind acts and protective demeanor with us all these years later is an obvious testament to his character. You lost one of the "good" ones 50 years ago---and we mourn that kind of loss intensely---and it's never too late to mourn.

While you sort through these feelings that have awakened in you, try to temper the grief with thoughts of your cousin's kind acts---and yes, that many, many others now know what a positive influence he had on you as a young child.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#428588 - 03/21/13 11:33 AM Re: I lost my hero [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
This is a sad story, but very encouraging for your recovery. Allowing yourself to mourn his loss means your mind is ready to let you experience the pain now so you can begin to heal.

If i was your cousin, I would pick you first.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.


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