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#428310 - 03/17/13 09:01 PM CSA Abuser died....confused feelings
weharry1959 Offline

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
my wife shared with me that my uncle had died. She had heard about it the week before but my children and siblings asked her not to share it with me as we were on our way to see our daugther and husband for their 1st year anniversary. When she told me, I was calm but had a number of feelings roll around in my head and heart.
My first feeling was "finally, he'll have to be face God for his actions!" my second was he'll never know the peace he needed to forgive himself and move past his own abuse and eventual self destructive behavior.
For me, I felt a compelling need to forgive him and did so in a letter. I pointed out that I understood that he had been victimized a lot as a child and that he didn't have to loeth himself and continue to harm others.
I posted a note of acknowledgement of his death on a social media network that I participate on. It was neither cryptic nor expose' but rather a heartfelt condolence given to his children and grandchildren.
However, upon reading my post after it was posted, I came to realize that it did invoke an emotional hostility, I wasn't prepared for. So, I am feeling pulled in two directions. A feeling of vindication and a feeling of remorse, in either case, I'm not feeling any peace.
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

#428324 - 03/17/13 11:26 PM Re: CSA Abuser died....confused feelings [Re: weharry1959]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2826
PM sent...

#428338 - 03/18/13 05:23 AM Re: CSA Abuser died....confused feelings [Re: weharry1959]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
My perp died in October and it's a tricky ride.

Looks like you're doing OK, all things considered. Keep in touch with your feelings and hang in there.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#428354 - 03/18/13 12:14 PM Re: CSA Abuser died....confused feelings [Re: weharry1959]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: weharry1959
...For me, I felt a compelling need to forgive him....


#428393 - 03/19/13 12:57 AM Re: CSA Abuser died....confused feelings [Re: weharry1959]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

I want you to know that I read your post this morning before I left for work and wanted to reply then but didn't have time. I felt that at least gave me time to think about it at work and gave me time to think of something appropriate to say. I had all day and still couldn't think of anything that seemed adequate. All I can say is I'm so sorry for the turmoil this must be causing you. It will probably take a lot of time for you to sort through your feelings about your uncle's death. Don't expect it to happen right away. Also, it would take an incredibly strong person to forgive a family member in a situation like this, and if you can forgive him I sincerely admire you for it. Hell, I admire you for even wanting to forgive. That doesn't mean I don't admire those who can't forgive or that I don't think they're strong, but the decision to forgive or not is something very personal and something we each handle differently. Good luck with this and good luck sorting this out and finding perspective. Peace.



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