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#428199 - 03/16/13 03:53 AM I feel like I discovered today that I am no good.
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
I feel like I discovered today that I am no good. We've been building a fence. The company who we got to do it was recommended by my brother-in-law. Turns out its really just one guy. He said he'd have it done in 2 days. That was over three weeks ago. Its been sitting unfinished for weeks. I've been slowly getting angrier and angrier. So hard to explain, my wife doesn't get it. I haven't been angry at the project taking so long, but rather the guy's attitude. We never know when he is coming or how long he will stay. It really is a two day job, but he's stretched it out by only doing an hour here or there. My wife asked me not to confront him, afraid I would blow up at him. Let me explain. Everytime I saw that unfinished fence, I felt used. I hated the idea of this guy wandering on and off of my property at will, lying to me about the next time he would show up. He's been unprofessional, but its been a like a slow-burning trigger. Feeling taken advantage of, laughed at behind my back, treated as unimportant. Every day just a little worse.

And I held my tongue for three weeks, let my wife handle him because we both knew that tact in these situations is not my strong suit. I just couldn't take it anymore. He promised he'd be out here first thing this morning and work all day. With no sign of him by 3pm, I called him up and told him I was thinking about getting a lawyer. My voice was firm but I used no nasty language. And lo and behold, he comes out this evening and finally finishes the fence.

And yet, I feel awful. I feel awful for not passing the test. I didn't call him because I didn't think he wasn't ever actually going to finish. I called him because I wanted to assert control over him instead of feeling like he was holding my property hostage. I wanted to let him know I was The Man In Charge, not him. Part of it is that this guy comes out with a puppy-dog face and is full of "I don't understand why your husband got so mad at little old me" to my wife (I couldn't talk to him by that point -- not because I was afraid of him but because he was pissing me off too much). My wife told him I could be a "hothead" sometimes. She told me later she only said that to smooth things over, so he would just get in his car and leave. But all this made me feel like maybe I am a horrible out of control temper monster. I'm just so mad because I feel like up until today I had it totally under control, and I just failed the class on the very last day.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#428202 - 03/16/13 04:22 AM Re: I feel like I discovered today that I am no good. [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Jacob - sounds to me like you handled it pretty well. you were calm and assertive. that is good. the only thing that i'd have suggested is doing the same thing a bit sooner!

but i do know what you mean about feeling used and taken advantage of - and letting your emotions get triggered when you want to be more in control and unaffected by others' mistreatment.

for me, that comes from being punished by step-dad and not being allowed to express my feelings of injustice and frustration and anger - and also of being bullied and refusing to show any reaction so they wouldnt get the satisfaction of knowing how badly they were affecting me. so now - anything that seems unfair takes me back to those days.

maybe it is something similar?

it does NOT mean you are no good. it means you don't know how to relate to your own feelings. i think you - like most of "us" are over-reacting to an understandable trigger.

you are OK, man -

Edited by traveler (03/16/13 04:23 AM)
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#428207 - 03/16/13 07:21 AM Re: I feel like I discovered today that I am no good. [Re: Jacob S]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hey Jacob,

I think you did just fine too, especially since you had every reason and right to be unhappy with the fence installers work. Don't know what his reasons or issues are, but he seems pretty dysfunctional, definitely unreliable. Don't beat yourself up for taking care of business and finally getting through to him to finish the job. Wouldn't recommend him either, it will save someone else a lot of aggravation!

Take care and have a good weekend!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf


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