Thanks, Matt and Will - your good words gave me more support than you might realize. Matt - intolerably toxic are precisely the words. Will - the "mutual aid" is so true - submerging my pride was the only political way to get the win-win - my own sensitivities were just not worth allowing to stand in the way of that, no matter how righteous I felt about it.
A good friend of mine down the road who knew about the parallels between this situation and my childhood abuse suggested that by standing up to this situation I could finally stand up to the dragons of my past. I thought it was brilliant of him to see that. So maybe that shows to you the significance of it all to me.
So I was pretty depressed after a meeting that was cordial instead of contentious, because I felt once again that I did not stick up for myself. I got what I wanted and he definitely got what he wanted. But instead of fighting for what I knew was right, I just said "OK" to what I clearly knew was not. Just like I did with my abuser. I guess the whole situation was a trigger - the immediate 24 hour fall-out was tough to get through.
I'm better now, thanks - but can see that I'm STILL dealing with those ghosts. I'm still learning how deep this goes.