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#427953 - 03/13/13 10:20 PM Not being sexual and wanting to be sexual
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City
Anyone else avoid sexual feelings? I do. I avoid it and I'm sick of it. I've never had a proper feeling about it, pre abuse and post abuse.

When I was younger, self sex was a go to self-comforting act for me. Then the abuse added others to my self-comforting acts.This lasted through my mid 20s. Then I realized it felt bad afterwards to have sex with someone and so I ended up in a cycle of avoidance, giving in, retreating, isolating, etc.

Now, I want to be sexual in a healthy way for the first time in my life since I know my sexual past wasn't rooted in health. This is still very frustrating and isolating since its like "who the fuck do I tell what kinds of things I am dealing with in my mid 40's that other men did as boys" besides telling a therapist? I need support but I also need to start taking action.

This is incredibly hard. I don't know about anyone else but I get so sick of trying to hold myself up to the standard of a so-called normal guy in my age bracket. I don't want to feel sorry for myself but I also want to realize the truth. Sometimes, I want to broadcast what I've been through just to explain why I'm not where I think I should be.

This was meandering but its where I'm at.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#427954 - 03/13/13 10:33 PM Re: Not being sexual and wanting to be sexual [Re: EdfromNYC]
peroperic2009 Online   content

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3868
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Ed good to see you here and posting wink
Welcome to club, I'm in similar position adding that yet I'm not sure would I like to be sexual at all with someone. I tried and I was in some relationships but didn't feel safe enough related to sex.
Still not sure and I'll be 37 in short...

My story

#428030 - 03/14/13 05:04 PM Re: Not being sexual and wanting to be sexual [Re: EdfromNYC]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 409
Loc: Western Europe
Hej Ed

i think its a good thing to ask your self what is the most important.

To me, at this point its more important to work on the healing than engaging myself in any sexual relationship. But i feel this will be different for every person. I first want to understand my confusion about my sexual preference better, before diving into it.

The best advice i can give you (and myself ;)) is to accept yourself the way you are. Its no use trying to conform to the norm or conforming to what people tell you to be/do.


Edited by OCN (03/14/13 05:05 PM)
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#428041 - 03/14/13 07:22 PM Re: Not being sexual and wanting to be sexual [Re: EdfromNYC]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City
Thanks for the replies. I am ready to deal with this stuff and my post was a beginning. I have problems with physical affection, physical play, physical touch, none of it sexual. I've avoided it for too long. I can admit that I need it and start there. I've tried to avoid what I need.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#428888 - 03/24/13 12:16 PM Re: Not being sexual and wanting to be sexual [Re: EdfromNYC]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Hello Ed,

Well, I'm 25 but I pretty much do the same thing as you. My abuse occurred between the ages of six and ten, and I kept everything bottled and hidden until I started seeing a therapist when I was almost 21.

My abuse never got any further than oral sex or my cousin (who was the perpetrator) masturbating in front of me, but the complications within that really screwed me up. Back then, I saw him as a very close friend and like the brother I wish I had, and whenever he would ask me to go down on him or if he could go down on me or whatever, it was always "well it's normal between people who love each other". I thought, "Well I love all my family members, so I guess it's no big deal".

As I got older I realized there was difference between familial and romantic love, but I have totally shut off any part of myself from recognizing that. I am 25 and although I have had crushes on girls that I've worked or gone to school with, I have never allowed myself to get close enough to wonder if I loved them. There are so many other feelings that complicate that.

Even now, if I'm approached by other women who are attracted to me, my initial reaction is nervousness or a feeling of "this woman can't be talking to me". Either that or I get "fight or flight" reaction where my heart starts pounding and my palms sweat and I get super tense or nervous. Makes me wonder if I'm just afraid of sex, or afraid of intimacy, who knows.

The last few times I did have sex, my girlfriend at the time noticed I was shaking (I was very happy to be having sex, but could not stop shaking, and it was enough to be very noticeable). Some time after we broke up, I had sex with a girl who was a friend of a friend. We both had a great time, and she was really nice. So what did I do? I pulled the hump n' dump and left immediately after and never spoke with her again, which I deeply regret because she was (still is I'm sure) a sweet girl. It's been three years now since I had sex, and before that it had been four years. Most of my friends have that much sex from one night out and can't understand how it is that I've gone so long without having sex and haven't gone insane. I keep telling them that it's not that I don't like having sex, it's just that I don't feel like I NEED it.

Any girls I was ever close with who I ended up telling about my abuse? No matter how supportive they were (and in my case they were super supportive), I'd distance myself from them immediately. I think it's because by revealing that part of myself to them, I've allowed myself to be vulnerable. Because of my abuse though, I see vulnerability as one of the things which got me in to the whole situation in the first place (although really it was naiveté from being six), and I try to not allow myself to be vulnerable.

Anyways, enough with me, the fact that you recognize what's happening means now you can take steps to get help if you feel you want it. EMDR therapy was a huge help for me, but there are some people who feel like they can't deal with the process of it. In my case I arrived at a point where it was "I'm either going to get therapy to try and be able to live my life again or I'm going to eventually end up killing myself, because this is unbearable". It's difficult and painful to try and heal from this stuff, so I wish you the best.


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