hope you are having an easier day.
I had been going thru the EXACT same thing- you can ask anyone
The thing that hurt most; for me , was the porn. I would
always watch gay porn. I would gratify myself BUT mostly
afterwards in a washroom - and then i would go with what
i was sexually turned on by females ( cousins in my family,
who hurt me ) ( i am sorry for this detail - i see how
disgusting it is reading this). I think i would obsess about
men b/c i felt i could not be a Boy! Wasnt allowed to.
Wasnt allowed to think! I was fucked up soo much.
Since joining this group ( and i have an amazing therapist)
i would constantly question " damn it ,am i gay or what?"
I felt like it was pulling my organs and tearing them apart!
I always wanted to have my own penis. I know this sounds
sick! I have one, but i am very small AND my dad 's sister
in law and his neices would always emabarrass me infront
of the whole family pulling my pants down and laughing at
me naked. Very traumatizing.
Maybe just feel your feelings. Say for example; you notice
a guy one day who is very attractive allow the feelings to
feel and be in your body. You dont necessarily have to
touch yourself. ( B/C this might provoke you to watch gay
porn, which could lead to hours on the computer.)
What i learned to do is to ask what i am feeling before
acting-out. I dont think this is helping . I am sorry;
i hope you get all the love you deserve. It IS exhausting
for me too! But let me tell you something OCN. I have spent
less time checking out porn sites lately. I go to different
anonymous groups here in Winnipeg... when i feel lonely i ask
myself " goran dont go to a computer, you know you will
watch gay porn. And actually , i did this last night.
And what i did last week is print out material from the MS
posts and i read them. I do my best to just go into the
feeling.. i might catch myself saying " but i want to goran
i want to see some guys doing that i dont need daddy "
when in MY case my dad failed me. Humiliated me, very badly.
He wasnt much of a dad. So check out people; i find it is
important to ask " maybe your attraction to a guy MIGHT be
a childhood feeling/experience " to the best to you buddy!
YOu are needed!