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#428002 - 03/14/13 09:38 AM TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!!
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
Dear Male survivor members,
When posting in forums or talking about yourself in chat rooms, never refer to yourself as a fag or faggot, never refer to yourself as a loser or a victim or the queer kid.

In a nutshell, stop talking to negatively about yourself! Your inner child needs to know they aren't bad or dirty or anything negative. Damn it you are here on this site and that says alot about you. It shows that you are taking the first steps to say fuck the abuse, it doesn't define me, it will never define me. I am who I am because of the choices I made, not the choices someone made that impacted us dearly as children. We are all survivors and that shows because of our courage to step forward and admit it and work on the abuse. It does get better, but only if we can look towards the light at the end of the tunnel and be optimistic to know we're not alone. To know we have so many people around us who understand and share our pain, but most importantly people around us who will cheer us on in our healing.

The negativity I hear on MS is almost always directed towards our pasts, or how our pasts effect us. It's good to vent and get those evil thoughts and feelings out, but it's another evil to ourself to wallow in our negativity about our childhoods and let that affect us and hold us back. Unlock the chains and cry out freedom from the guilt, shame and hurt. Throw those chains away and walk away like the super heros in the movies because that is what you are, a god damn hero and inspiration to those who will need a shoulder to lean on.

You are here, and you deserve optimism but most importantly so does your inner child. At least let him know that everything is going to be okay and that you and him will heal together and you are building a better life for both of you. Don't talk or refer to yourself negatively. Give the middle finger to the abuse, conquer it and grow from it. Talk and refer to yourself with optimism, and put on shades for you and your inner child because if you take my advice, then you'll both need those sun glasses cuz your future will be so bright.

#428007 - 03/14/13 11:28 AM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3866
Loc: South-East Europe
Bravo SI smile
You said more than well. Unfortunately many of us are not aware about negative self image that abuse left in us.
Let's fight for good things in us.
We all deserve only the best!

My story

#428043 - 03/14/13 07:45 PM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: si
The negativity I hear on MS is almost always directed towards our pasts, or how our pasts effect us.......

Self-hatred is a big part of the baggage we all carry. Despite knowing intellectually that we were innocent of any wrong, we still have the feeling that it was our fault, that we wanted it, that it must have happened because we are BAD, or we are somehow stained or tainted (maybe even cursed) by what was done to us.

I think for many of us, those negative thoughts will be with us to some degree for the rest of our lives. I fight those thoughts, and often win, by repeating them out loud, but substituting the name of my abuser for myself. Its him who deserves the shame and hatred, not me. If it takes the rest of my life to fully claim that fact, so be it. I won't surrender.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#428046 - 03/14/13 08:10 PM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
Great attitude. Optimistic but most importantly very realistic

#428148 - 03/15/13 04:05 PM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 409
Loc: Western Europe
I like this post SI!

Lately i notice i drag myself down easily, falling in negative patterns.. but i know that its because of the old pain, not being good enough etc..
Now its time to work on unwinding the old pain from the person i am today. For i know im so much more than just the pain. I am beautiful, just as every person here is. We just need to realize it more often, probably more than others.. but thats not bad smile

Picking up on Buddhism again, cause i dont want to just be negative. I want a way to deal with it in a constructive way. And that means loving myself and feeling good about myself NO MATTER WHAT! So this is a good reminder for me to hold on and stay optimistic. I got through a hard time and now i have all the room to create something beautiful out of it.

Edited by OCN (03/15/13 04:06 PM)
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#428189 - 03/16/13 01:18 AM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i used to try really hard to be positive about myself. but i was never convinced - or "fooled" by any of it. i knew - deep down -that it was not true because i felt differently that what i was telling myself - and no matter how many times i repeated the good things, it seemed like empty words or mockery or lies. i negated all the effort myself in self-defeating pessimism.

my T helped me to recognize that the way i saw myself was the way others had seen me and had conditioned me to think about myself. that THESE were the LIES - not the positive things that i couldn't accept and believe. his mantra is "you have to OWN it before you can DIS-OWN it." he encouraged me to write out all the lies that i have believed about myself and we would work through it together.

i started it - and got way ahead of him. when i put them all on paper, it became much more obvious that many were at least exaggerations - if not absolute fabrications. and once i saw them on the page in black and white - i couldn't let them stand uncontested. i wrote another list on the facing page of my journal - in RED ink - of the TRUTHS that refuted the lies. not all were absolute opposites - but at least modified or softened the negative statements from "always" to "sometimes."

this has brought a great deal of clarity and reality and balance to my self-image. when i start to think negatively about myself i can remember my list and sometimes even visualize the position on the page of the positive affirmation- not a made-up feel-good empty compliment - but the TRUTH!

just saying - sometimes you have to get to the bottom of things before you can climb out of the pit - not just try to deny it and ignore the root issues.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#428195 - 03/16/13 02:43 AM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
I appreciate what you say si. Positive self talk is of the utmost importance. Absolutely. And Lee nailed it right on the head. The negativity has to be owned before it can be dis-owned !

For myself, I had to travel back some decades to find the little me. I had pretended for all those years it didn't matter. I just chose not to think about it. I ran from the feelings. I ALWAYS knew something was holding me back.

One day the past slapped me here in the present. I was stranded in time. I was victimized again and couldn't move right or left or forward. The only thing I knew was I did not want to go into the past, but there I was. I was left with what I had denied. And in order to heal the Big Me, I had to acknowledge how I felt about the Little Me. And that included the negative thoughts. Go back back if you wish, but they early posts are FULL of negativity.

I read of others pain and I know how it hurts. I cry for them. I cry for me. I want our pain to stop. But none of us will be pain free until we acknowledge how much it hurts and how low we sometimes feel about our past and at times ourselves. I can finally tell after 4 months of weekly sessions where I get real with the ugliness it brings, and sharing and reading here for a couple months where people get real with the ugly, that I am beginning to get it. And sometimes its gonna be as ugly as ugly can be.

But we are healing. And thats what its all about. And thanks for the reminder to give ourselves the gift of a positive hug every day. Thats what we should do, everyday... even as we face the truth in order to change it.

I like Lee's idea of the journal. Maybe we should start a thread about one positive thing we like about ourselves, or something like that. Angels, guys.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#428209 - 03/16/13 10:58 AM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: si]
jay75 Offline

Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145

I love your optomism, you have a great attitude! I will try to do as you instructed because the other crap isnt working anyway (self loathing). Stay positive.

"Those are not your sins" A wise man

#428259 - 03/17/13 12:31 AM Re: TALK ABOUT YOURSELF WITH OPTIMISM!!!! [Re: Jude]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 416
Originally Posted By Jude
Self-hatred is a big part of the baggage we all carry. Despite knowing intellectually that we were innocent of any wrong, we still have the feeling that it was our fault, that we wanted it, that it must have happened because we are BAD, or we are somehow stained or tainted (maybe even cursed) by what was done to us.

This is such a huge thing. I have never read anything ever where I blamed the kid. I always always think, it's not your fault... you didn't do anything wrong... don't blame yourself... And all that sort of stuff. It's easy to see that about someone else's story. But when it's your own story it seems different. Like I could have done this, should have done that, I am stupid, obviously I wanted it, why did I keep going back if it was that bad, maybe it wasn't that bad and I'm over reacting. Can't cut myself any slack, there are no reasonable excuses, it's all my fault. If any other person in the world told me my story as their own I'd feel sorry for them and tell them none of it was their fault. Why can't I do that for myself? This is something I want to change about myself though.


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