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#427926 - 03/13/13 05:27 PM do you blame your parents for not recognizing it??
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 690
Loc: where the shadows lie
I hate my parents. I hate that they facilitated an atmosphere of worthlessness. I hate that they made me feel to blame when my autistic brother threw fits. I hate that they gave me enemas. I don't know if that is abuse but it felt like it. It was for constipation not discipline or anything weird like that, but still the way they went about it I felt so dirty and alone. I hate that they did all the priming in terms of making me feel like I only existed to make other people feel better. The perps were older and bigger than me, but not that much. If I had not been conditioned by my parents to have no self-esteem, things would have been different.

Others who were abused by someone else, how do you feel about your parents? Doesn't it ever make you wonder how they could never notice the way you changed? Doesn't it ever make you mad? How could they not see it?
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#427930 - 03/13/13 05:43 PM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1274
My parents were very supportive. I can't blame them, but I wished they had noticed. I wish they could have read my mind so they could do something.

Then again, I hid it. I hid behind a big move for my dad's job. They blamed my acting out on that---and I did nothing to correct them.

None of us had the skills or vocabulary to deal with it. Hell, I'm only planning to tell them next month...28 years after the fact. Involved parents may help, but it isn't a cure-all.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#427933 - 03/13/13 06:49 PM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
I don't blame my parents at all for any of this. I know I would have had their support and would have gone to the ends of the earth to protect me. Even so, I didn't have the guts to tell them what happened. They recognized a change in my behavior and asked me what was wrong, but that wasn't enough for me to tell. The first guy who abused me was a priest. I was really confused, by it all. While I was hurt by what happened, I also felt special, selected to be the one. In fact, one thing that hurt badly was when I realized that I wasn't. At some level, I knew that if I told, my parents would have received a lot of crap. A lot of people would have accused my parents of lying and trying to bring this man down. As it turns, years later, he was arrested for molesting other kids. My mom asked me then, if he had done anything to me. It was still pretty shameful at that time, and so I lied. I wish my mom had magic powers and could tell I was lying, but it wasn't the case. I still haven't told them, and it's been 40 years. I'm afraid of tearing their lives apart. I'm not the man I could be, but this is my burden.I don't want their lives to be torn apart.


#427935 - 03/13/13 06:55 PM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Now that I've tried to talk about it with them, I get silence from my father and denial from my mother. I don't like it at all. I have a lot of dissociated anger about it, especially towards my mother.

Something inside me tells me she should have known, could have stopped it. And the result that I was awkward socially all through my childhood and high school. The result was her over-mothering me, which I loathed. And in retrospect, perhaps a product of her denial.

I'll never have a full relationship with her until she admits it.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#427936 - 03/13/13 06:58 PM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

It sounds like our childhoods were similar. I was told that I grew up in a 'good Christian home'. My parents didn't drink, smoke or swear. However my parents absolutely primed me for abuse. My T uses the words 'I was setup'. My dad basically ignored me and when he did talk to me it was to put me down in some way...I was an emotional support to my mother. I had no self-esteem and was feminized by both parents. So YES I blame them!

In my case the abuse happened in their house - under their noses and they still did not notice. But.....

The thing I blame them for most of all it that I DID tell them at about 11 (about my oldest brother) and they pushed it under the rug and it was never spoken about again. They did not even say a word to him!!! This is something I find VERY hard to forgive. After that experience ther was no way I was going to tell them about the others.

The really strange thing is that my whole life up until then I remember my mum asking me if my grandma's second husband had done anything to me. He had not. Turns out he had been coming on to my mum and has even tried it with my wife and my brother's wives. I was too scared/ashamed to tell her the truth.


Edited by Farmer Boy (03/13/13 07:42 PM)
More than meets the eye!

#427951 - 03/13/13 09:28 PM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Not my parents, not at all. There was little for them to have recognized, I'd emotionally sterilized the few fragmented memories I had. They were only ever loving and supportive to me, and I'm certain if I'd told them, they'd have seen the perp into a cell or a grave. Especially my dad.

I do blame my sister.

One of the prime reasons I never told, even after comprehending what had happened, was that when I was 9 my older sister's boyfriend was exposed and arrested as a serial child rapist - he'd gotten a few of my friends. My sister was devastated, shrieking like she was dying, like she was being murdered, and my parents were crying too, and I had no idea what was going on. I really thought my sister was dying, nobody would tell me anything and I wasn't even allowed into her room to see her. She needed a lot of support from my parents for years over this, every so often it would flare up again and they'd all cry.

From day 1 and continuing to this day, 25 years later, she has fiercely maintained his innocence with all the mental seriousness and sophistication of a lovesick teenaged girl. To this day she will say "he never did it, and he did it because he was molested too" - NOT KIDDING, it's been in the same fucking paragraph. She is FRIENDS with this man. He has within the last 5 years visited her at her house, where her kids (my nephews) live - electronic ankle bracelet and all.

I saw how destructive just TALKING ABOUT child abuse could be to my family, especially my sister, and while I felt no pain or damage at the time, I knew what was done to me was bad but I kept my mouth shut to spare her feelings. And she to this day says my friends, the victims of a man she dated before tge Challenger explosion, are all liars who were hypnotized into persecuting the poor fellow as some sort of moneygrab. There is no reasoning with her.

This past December, 26 years after my incident, I finally told my parents.

We all agreed not to tell my sister.


My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#427965 - 03/14/13 01:06 AM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4221
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Jacob -

yes, i blame the parents. step-dad for being abusive in so many ways - including enemas. for me, too it felt like abuse. he said it was to clean us (little brother and me) out and make us healthy because we were dirty and sickly. not true.

i blame mom for accepting and going along with everything he said and did. never once resisting or questioning or disagreeing or objecting or protecting or intervening. it was so obvious what was happening - but she closed her eyes or turned away or erased it from her conscious awareness.

and the way they treated me at home made me the perfect victim for other abusers and bullies out in the larger world - at school and at scouts and at the Y and even a stranger in a store. it was as if i had a brand or label that attracted that kind of treatment - and i was powerless and conditoned not to try to prevent it. then, when i was at home, the parents didn't even notice any difference in my moods or behavior because my withdrawal and depression and other reactions to outside-the-family abuse had already been established as my "norm" by them at home.

so - YES.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#427967 - 03/14/13 01:38 AM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
My father was gone when I disclosed at age 7 and my mother went to the school. The school counselor marginalized and eventually dismissed my abuse while assuring my mother it didn't happen, which she happily accepted despite contrary knowledge (triple distilled cognitive dissonance). I am ambivalent towards my parents. The plan was to move after my birth (I was abused by a neighbor) but my father's OCD and crippling fear of change got in the way. My mother coddled me all throughout my childhood and even to this day treats me more gently than my siblings precisely because she knew in the back of her mind the abuse had occurred. She has told me how guilty she feels about allowing the school the cover it up and not going to the police straight away. It makes me angry because at the age of 7 and after three years of suffering in silence I finally conjured up the courage to tell and was basically shut down. I learned more than fear that day I learned dread. The world became inherently unsafe, all people untrustworthy, and I all alone against it all. They were good parents besides that and are supportive now but frankly I really really really really really could have used it then.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

#427972 - 03/14/13 02:23 AM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hi Jacob --

Yes. I blame the bitchmother and her third husband for priming me (physical, verbal, emotional abuse) to be abused by my high school guidance counselor.

After it happened (almost a year's worth) and I withdrew into myself, it was only more reason for them to continue their abuse and/or write me off.

If anything, as I became an adult I became able to stand up to them and eventually severe any ties with them.

#427977 - 03/14/13 02:53 AM Re: do you blame your parents for not recognizing it?? [Re: Jacob S]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 410
Yes. I do blame him. I still like him, but i think he should have noticed. I WISH he had noticed. How could he not have noticed?

Oh and by the way, "school is a safety net for abused children". I read that somewhere before. What BS. When did any teacher ever ask me if everything was ok? Never. I partly blame them, teachers, the teaching assistants, the educational psychologist, my doctor (who told me my stomach problems were imaginary), my dad's other friends, my two aunts, anyone else that came into contact with me, my uncle - who I told and he decided to ignore it. And there was another kid involved too, why did his parents or teachers or anyone not notice something was going on with him?

I desperately tried to tell someone, but at the same time I did everything I could to hide it, which is a really weird contradiction.

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