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#427775 - 03/11/13 11:57 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Ok, I haven't been here long enough to have a good sense of when to post a trigger warning and when not to but I'm posting one here anyway, just in case.... TRIGGER WARNING....

I can identify with some of this. I haven't had much sex at all in my adult life but when I have it has only happened when the woman involved pretty much did all the work. Basically the only way I can do it is when I sit back and let them "molest me". That hasn't really been because I was trying to "recreate" the abuse though. Not consciously anyway. It's just kind of the only way I know how. I don't feel comfortable making any moves on them or making my own advances. It's just not how I operate sexually.

Yeah, I know all about the pleasureless orgasm. Pretty much every time I've had real sex, that's how it ends. Then, I'm just glad it's over and I want to take a shower. My one and only girlfriend ever once asked me why I always wanted to shower after sex. I told her that it just felt gross not to. I think that hurt her feelings. Whatever.

To be quite honest, I get a lot more pleasure using sex toys solo and alone then I ever have with someone else's body. There are no emotions involved with sex toys and they don't leave me feeling all icky, awkward and uncomfortable afterwards.

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Last night, after I got home from letting some man, pretend "molest" me, I had a nightmare that people were chasing me to murder me. I remember it as starting out with us playing, but then some of them really did want to murder me/us, and we spent the rest of the dream running from them. Not exactly an abuse dream, but I've had a lot of those since I was young of people coming after me to hurt/murder me. I completely blocked it out upon waking up, and then minutes later I was like "Oh my god, that dream was absolutely terrifying".

Weird. I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago. I already mentioned it in a thread I started called "I Didn't Think This Would Happen." I was the child me in the dream and someone was coming to "get me". I was alone in my parents house and some man called on the phone and tricked me into admitting that I was alone. After that, I knew he was coming for me and I was terrified. Nothing like that ever happened in my childhood and it didn't have anything to do with my CSA. In a way, that made it even more strange though. It was just like a nightmare that I would have had as a child, only I had it as an adult, as a child, if that makes any sense. Disturbed the hell out of me.

By the way, I'm not sure why you think anyone would "burn you at the stake" for anything you posted here. I've only been here for a little over a week but I don't think I've seen you post anything that seemed disingenuous or sounded like it wasn't genuine. Sounds to me like you just have a suffocating amount of shit you're trying to figure out and sort through and process. As far as I can tell, it seems like that's what this board is mostly for. Take care. Peace.


#427780 - 03/12/13 12:25 AM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (04/22/13 02:43 AM)

#427797 - 03/12/13 02:10 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1339
A number of years ago when I was in grad school, my roommate had a huge stash of porn on VHS and DVD (1998 here). I've never had much of an appetite for porn, but I do like theater of the mind.

One weekend when he was away, I had the house to myself so I decided to look through some of his collection. I came across one that was called "College Candy" or something like that. I didn't know what to expect...but what I saw was male-on-male porn. Everything else was hetero, but this was very different...and intriguing.

I mean, it was graphic...a college "kid" (who looked and dressed a lot like me) is being assaulted by another, older guy. I was strangely fascinated with it and still think about what I saw on the screen. I was aroused and didn't know why.

I suppose this was reliving the abuse...and sensed that at the time and felt like I was betraying myself for watching and even enjoying it.

That could be me...I even wanted it to be me. I was passive, I was active. I was both...
I'm still wrestling with this one-and I don't even know why it was in his collection. Of course I said nothing to him. I haven't seen it since-but there is theater of the mind and there is guilt.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#427813 - 03/12/13 03:44 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325

For me, I have acted out the abuse most times I have hooked up with men for sex. I try not to, but sometimes still go to on-line hook-up sites and flirt to "almost" set-up an arrangement, but then back out. Or, before I used to go on anon on-line chatrooms and roleplay my abuse. Then, there are the porn-viewing sessions in which I accidently stumble upon porn with themes related to the abuse- especially in collections of literotica, in which is it but a title you click on and have no clue what it is about until you read the first few lines.

I don't know why I read literotica, but there are several things I can gather from myself: 1, not always will I read something that disturbs me/is disturbing and I will actually have a normal, healthy masturbation session; 2, I look at porn to find healthy scenes and alter my fantasies (which is actually working) and it also deters me from meeting with men in real-life and re-creating the abuse and putting myself at emotional and physical harm; 3, looking at the literotica is like a subconscious gamble, not knowing what will be triggering and what will be healthy- with what is triggering, my mind is either trying to make sense of it, trying to make sense of abuse or I lose my capacities and without my own consent, not even being attracted to it, I am placed back to me being a child and I am experiencing abuse once more... and there quite frankly is little sense to be made there. When the later happens, I become sooooooo angry (I hardly ever express anger towards my CSA, but when I am reminded of it online, it makes me so infuriated that it's up there, open to the public, that someone made that, that there's a demand for that, and that this type of abuse continues to happen in the world). I also too feel very guilty and sad, I feel like I am one of those abusers, and guilty for having let my guard down and re-exposing myself to something triggering. I absolutely do not know if that is helping my healing process or hindering it. And it never happens consentually within myself, it is always accidental, however I still manage to not learn and allow myself to be disturbed again... or part of me in a PSTD trans tries to find something that disturbed me, re-expose myself to it, just try to MAKE SENSE of "WHY IS THIS STILL UP HERE?" "WHY DOES THIS EXIST?" "HOW CAN I NUMB MYSELF TO THIS?"

I was recently triggered on Sunday night, and Monday morning, and I have been in a weird aftershock since. I feel really sick and my immune system is weak. I recently posted more about what I am going through: if anyone wants to give me some feedback or support that would be greatly appreciated.
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#427817 - 03/12/13 04:03 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

I have been lurking around here for days..watching all the 'talk' about acting out (in a few threads)....wanting to say something...but not being man enough. So here goes.....

As a teen I started 'acting out' my abuse with strange men. From 15 - 18. Just like Still menioned in another thread. While that too was technically CSA because I was underage - I knew what I was doing and I 'let' them abuse me. It was familiar and I 'felt' loved. Even though I didn't really feel anything...until the guilt hit. That is no secret - I have mentioned that before.

When I started to feel the pain of my childhood experiences (when I was around 33) I started to 'act out' again. I didn't know why. It would get more and more dangerous and I took more and more risks as time went by. When I started therapy and I became aware of how the CSA had affected me (I learnt about SSA and acting out) and that I wasn't just having sex with men I was reliving my abuse actually got worse. I was uncontrollable...IT was uncontrollable. It was like well 'they' made me this way I might as well make the most of it. I was made a men's sexual play thing at 3 years old... a piece of garbage. It was 'in' me.

I am a pretty big guy but I would nearly always take on a submissive role at least part of the time. I would look for guys that were bigger than me and even the smaller guys would get a kick out of dominating someone that looked like me. I would numb out and just go through the motions. It felt good to be 'desired' but that was about it.

Most of my acting out was spontaneous but.....after 'meeting' a guy on one of those sites. He travelled 5 hours (one way) and paid for a motel room just to do things to me and have me do things to him. I was not physically attracted to that guy at all but felt obligated and just like the earlier abuse I couldn't say 'no'.

This is my GREATEST source of guilt an shame...that I did this to myself. I betrayed myself.

I can deal with the original CSA (that wasn't my fault) but this 'WAS' my fault.

More than meets the eye!

#427818 - 03/12/13 04:12 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
Lee, your description of going through the motions and numbing and "letting" yourself be abused is what I experience(d) too
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#427826 - 03/12/13 04:51 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
After reading your story, I have clarity regarding my story and why I did the things I did. Thank you for writing. It had to take great strength to put your story into words. Thank you for writing.


#428240 - 03/16/13 08:59 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
How can we stop this?
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#428373 - 03/18/13 07:03 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Farmer Boy]
Joe44040 Offline

Registered: 12/28/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Ohio

Just by being able to distinguish the fantasy life from reality is a huge step. I don't agree with placing yourself at fault--each journey is taken one step at a time with detours and delays along the way. Be very proud of the progress you have made on this journey thus far.

Peace and love, my brother,

"As a man in his last breath
drops all that he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free."

#428378 - 03/18/13 08:36 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3853
As many know I had a difficult time over the past several months. I had fugues and periods of lost time. But on Saturday a strange thing happened. I was meeting a client's tenant who was moving out. I was going into the building and I held the door open. A woman and her child were behind so I let them go in. She looked at me and said, hello, don't you remember me. I said no and she looked at me. She said you are the one who helped change a flat tire. I said are you sure and she said yes--I said you must be mistaken. I was getting scared--had I met her? She said yes it was me, it was in Reston in November. I had a fugue experience then and my car was left in Reston. I felt odd as she continued. I asked where was I going that day. She said I said I was just looking around. She thanked me again--so I said I was glad to do. I asked if she lived here, she said not just visiting. I was not only lost in fugue but also lost when she approached. At least I may have done something good during that time. But I still wonder was it me or someone luck(lol) to look like me?

Edited by KMCINVA (03/18/13 08:39 PM)

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