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#427389 - 03/07/13 08:18 PM In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I'm in AA and in an AWOL - A way Of Life - and the other night we were on step 4 which talks about sex relations / fear / resentment, there's about 20 guys in a room , typically we go around the room while in a circle and talk about the "behaviors" into sex relations and how it affected you and others ,it was fine for about 10 minutes and things got out of hand really fast, guys were talking about how they F*****G women / broads and how much of a pig they are ( talking about them like their objects ), now meanwhile i'm sitting there, stewing, ( i was molested for 11 years as a kid ) even the person who is running the AWOL is joining in and thinks its a big joke ,at this point i just want to leave because i'm so uncomfortable it's just not worth it to me to sit there and listen to these clowns disrespect women like this, i'm a married man , very happy, and i could never treat my wife like how they were talking and carrying on , i started to think about my childhood it brought me right back to, at least the verbal abuse, and i started to disacosiate , i could actually see me sitting in the chair suffering and unable to do anything about it , i went through a wide range of emotions, from fear to anger to sadness to worry and then for some reason after i came out of it, if you will , i was exhausted , i didnt want to move , i have disacosiated many times since i was 30 yrs old which was when the memories of the sexual abuse resurfaced, i hope i'm making sense, i came back to MS because when life was feeling like it was coming apart i came here and the support i got ,everyone from the mods to the members it was incredible, i'm hoping i can get to know some of you again, god bless and thank you so much for taking the time in reading this because i know you didn't have to.

Coop
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#427398 - 03/07/13 10:27 PM . [Re: thecoopstah]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/22/13 02:36 AM)

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#427521 - 03/09/13 01:26 AM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Hey " Lifes a Dream " thank you so much for replying, i know coming here i am no longer alone with this CSA , for a long time in my life i felt as though i was, i had no one to talk to, well i shouldn't say that i'm in therapy and have been for the last 16 years and right now i'm prtetty blessed to be seeing a woman who is amazing for me , i feel safe with her and it's really working, the process of getting down to what makes me act out at times , so you have / had a problem with alcohol huh, it is such an awful disease , it almost killed me more times then i'd like to admit, i'm about 8 1/2 months sober and my life is amazing, how are things going with you, are you still dealing with your abuse, are you in therapy , if you want stay in touch , afterall you can never have to many friends right, god bless.


Rich
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#427530 - 03/09/13 04:24 AM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Hey, Coop!
this part of your post really got me:

Originally Posted By: thecoopstah
things got out of hand really fast, guys were talking about how they F*****G women / broads and how much of a pig they are ( talking about them like their objects ), now meanwhile i'm sitting there, stewing, ( i was molested for 11 years as a kid ) even the person who is running the AWOL is joining in and thinks its a big joke ,at this point i just want to leave because i'm so uncomfortable it's just not worth it to me to sit there and listen to these clowns disrespect women like this,

that kind of stereotypical macho stud behavior has always bothered me, too. your post helped me realize why. the same kind of disrespect for women that it demonstrates is what i experienced as a boy and young teen.
just the same way that they treat women like objects to be used for their own selfish s3xual gratification - same way they treated me. it's pretty obvious now - but i'd never associated the two. i can see why you would dissociate.

thanks for writing this,
lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#427538 - 03/09/13 05:25 AM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome back Coopstah-and congratulations on 8 1/2 months of sobriety.

It saddens me that a recovery group would be an unsafe, mocking place to talk about difficult, painful things. That is a violation of trust and the desire to achieve personal growth when leaders and others inflict the kind of stuff you mentioned upon men who are struggling to live a better life.

It is difficult to be honest about our struggles and our pain, and with trauma from abuse it is especially important that those who let in are safe, respectful, and know how to be helpful.

I hope you can find those places as you continue to grow on your journey-and that MaleSurvivor is one of them.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#427554 - 03/09/13 09:21 AM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I love this site, it really gives me the perspective I need, i, too am grateful for coming back to MS it's an environment like no other, I'm seriously considering confronting the facilitator about what I experienced because I think he needs to know i was affected by it, to say the least - Greeter and lee thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words they reassure me that it's okay and being who i am is a blessing, and may God bless you and everyone on here, this site is a God send!!

Coop

PS : KEEP IN TOUCH, IF YOU LIKE


Edited by thecoopstah (03/09/13 09:24 AM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#427555 - 03/09/13 09:39 AM . [Re: thecoopstah]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/22/13 02:37 AM)

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#427558 - 03/09/13 01:44 PM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow Coop.
I know what you talking about. When I was at school about 13 or 14 and some boys were loosing their virginity (Id lost mine in more ways than one) I used to get mad at them, I thought they talked so much crap. So yeah I can relate.

These days, Being an activist and raising awareness around the issues of CSA and ASA, I talk to a lot of AA and NA groups, I tell my story, and I also talk to womans groups, I stood up in front of 150 odd woman on V day and told them I was a rape survivor. Men shut up quickly when I tell them of my abuse, there is a stunned silence and usually after my talk, there is this deathly silence for about a minute. I can see the guys who are struggling to say something.
Remember the Pack mentality of men, one starts and the others will follow, and they will try to outdo one another. Usually the one that is hurting the most, starts the discussion, it diverts attention away from his own short comings. So the guy that started to talk about this is probably a survivor, and hurting like sin.

Perhaps one day more survivors will join in and break the silence, but please dont judge them, think about sharing with the first big mouth, he is probably a survivor.

Think about completing our Real Man Charter and help us make all men MatrixMen

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#428010 - 03/14/13 12:32 PM Re: In recovery for Alcoholism / Bulls*** other night [Re: thecoopstah]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: thecoopstah
...and things got out of hand really fast, guys were talking about how they F*****G women / broads and how much of a pig they are...

Coopster,

I am also an AA member, sober for 16 years. I attend 4-5 meetings a week, including one men's meeting. I have never seen the kind of behavior you've described, and am sorry to hear of it. Some guys are just immature when it comes to sex, and some ARE pigs.

Discussions about sex in AA meetings should center on dealing with the difficulties we have with it, especially in relation to alcohol. Yes, there sometimes a joke or two, or a remark that is TMI! (too much information), but I've never seen it get out of hand.

For a male CSA survivor, sex is a difficult subject, and I have a hard enough time being in a room full of men as it is. I have disclosed to the group with great fear, and actually found some support, and not surprisingly, also found that there were other men there who had suffered CSA as well.

I hope you don't let this experience sour you on AA. If this is an on-going problem in that AWOL, check out other meetings. Talk to your sponsor about it. Consider talking openly about how it made you feel at the next AWOL meeting. But the worst thing a guy can do is isolate, and build resentments. Put your recovery first, and do what you need to to stay healthy. I wish you luck brother.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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