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#427231 - 03/06/13 03:40 AM Why am I hurting if he is getting better???
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Hi everyone, I'm having a rough time and I need some advice.

My H has been going to his therapy sessions and seems to be doing quite well these days. Now that he is on track (I hope), I feel like I am hurting big time. I always knew I was hurting when we were in the thick of his issues. Somehow I carried on. I think I just pushed my pain down because I wanted him to not feel bad about hurting me because I knew that added to HIS pain. Now I feel like I'm letting all of my pain from the past two years out. I guess I really thought that when he got better, I would magically get better. I know I have major codependency issues. I made an appointment with a new therapist and am going with a friend to an Al Anon meeting.

In the meantime, I have been doing some pretty bad stuff--things I would never do. Like look at his phone, computer, invasion of his privacy. I feel terrible about it. I told him each time I have done this recently and he is growing more and more angry (understandably). One side of me feels like he deserves it and should be okay with it because he hurt me so much (that is how I justify the snooping around). But I know I can't hold all of his past crap against him or we will never move on.

The really bad thing (or good thing, depending on how you look at it), is that each time I snooped, I didn't find anything bad. So I just feel worse that I can't trust him. He's pretty mad at the moment.

I just did not see all these feelings coming. I really did think that when he got better, my pain would just melt away. I feel so na´ve...

How do I trust again? I feel like I'm in an endless cycle...

Your advice is appreciated.

#427257 - 03/06/13 08:18 AM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
I can indetify with some of your feelings. However, your H's privacy with regard to emails and text messages is very important to him. If he feels you don't trust him it will hamper his healing and could seriously affect your marriage.

Tell him how you are feeling, how insecure you are and that you really want to help him but that right now you don't know how. He may not realise how this whole process is affecting you. Sometimes if we are so consumed with our own pain we do not recognise other peoples pain, especially those closest to us.

I used to call it "cave time", a time when my H needed his space to process things, it was very prominent when he was still going to therapy. It was a time when he would not consider even going on holidays, I never allowed it to hold me back and on numerous occasions I would take my children down to the coast during school breaks. He did not mind me doing it and he would eventually fly down and join us over weekends.

We both went to see a one man play here in SA called "Defending the Caveman" and I recall us both having a giggle because it was so relevant. It is based on the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" theme and homes in on how differently we handle things and communicate.

Forgive yourself for the snooping and maybe, just maybe he will do the same.

Look after yourself.


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#427258 - 03/06/13 08:20 AM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
Jemma Offline

Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 22
Loc: England
Hi Rachelmac

You are perfectly normal.

After I found out about my husbands infidelities I bought a book called 'After the Affair' by Janis Spring which explains that to build trust again the person whose had the affair should show the hurt partner texts, e-mails, etc, let the hurt partner know where they are or are meant to be at given times, etc. Its all part of building up trust again.

In the book it says that the unfaithful partner should do this to help the hurt partner. It would be much better if he could do this for you voluntarily, to save you 'snooping'. I don't see it as an invasion of his privacy, but a gesture towards repairing the damage.

Trusting someone doesn't happen overnight, it takes time.

I really hope this helps,

Love and best wishes,


Edited by Jemma (03/06/13 08:50 AM)

#427264 - 03/06/13 12:43 PM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
Jemma Offline

Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 22
Loc: England
You might find this useful:


#427339 - 03/07/13 02:02 AM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Thank you Jemma! I will check that out. I just bought the Codependency No More books so I'm hoping to find some useful info in there too.

Rosemary, they have that play here too! We went to see it a while back and thought it was hilarious!

Today was a little better for me. Thanks for responding! Sometimes just typing it all out helps me.

#427382 - 03/07/13 06:49 PM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
deerhntr Offline

Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9

I understand what you are saying about invading privacy and agree that it is a legitimate concern. That said, after suffering through many lies and coverups from my partner about his SAC behaviors, I demanded and he agreed to share all accounts and passwords with me. I felt at the time that it was fair for me to get an accurate picture of how deep the issue ran.

In time, as my trust grew, I checked less and less and eventually almost never. However, when he began exhibiting certain behaviors that possibly indicated he was going to "relapse", I began checking again. My intuition was right. Because of my "snooping", I found that he was up to it again.

By my calling his attention to it this time (which I needed to do because he was in such strong denial, even to himself), he has recognized that he still has a lot of healing to do. He has joined this site, enrolled for one of malesurvivor's weekends of recovery, and more.

I guess what I am saying is that I don't think that checking up can necessarily be a bad thing, especially when our partners engage in behaviors that are out of their control. I'm confident that other women/partners feel differently about this, but I'm just sharing my opinion.

Edited by deerhntr (03/07/13 06:51 PM)

#427472 - 03/08/13 04:32 PM Re: Why am I hurting if he is getting better??? [Re: RachelMac]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Yes, don't feel guilty. Stop feeling guilty.

His anger is displaced. Sorry, but it is.

He violated your trust and if you need access to feel better, than you have ever right to ask for it.


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