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#427158 - 03/05/13 05:47 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
I too feel very much detached from my body, like I am still a child or a young teen (around the time my abuse started). I do not recognise myself when I see a picture or reflection of my face and body. Part of me has become much less self-conscious and worried about appearances and photos because I understand it as not being me, but rather some costume or shell belonging to someone else. That is not me in photos. The me inside looks much different.

I hate it when people make remarks about how much older I look, more "filled out" in appearance since I became depressed and started working on recovery, or when people make remarks about my ethnicity, saying that I look "really" much like a member of my ancestors' Italian culture. The ethnicity part was often used by my abusers to describe me as "delicious" or somehow exotic.
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#427238 - 03/06/13 05:17 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: JayBro]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I want to add my name to the list. I have shared most of these symptoms. However, I'm afraid of man hands.

I felt like both a boy and a man at the same time for a long time. When I went off to college, they kept giving me small uniforms, in marching band, and in ROTC, and at the sport store where I went to buy a jacket. When I went off to teach they called me the 'boy professor'.

Yes, I have had a startle response many times when looking in a mirror. Not what I expected? What did I expect?

Severe abuse alienated me from my own body... my own self... my own personality...


#427243 - 03/06/13 05:50 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 395
Loc: Midwest
Farmer boy, traveler, Brave Falcon,

Deferring to other men feeling that they are smarter, more capable, and overall more manly is standard operating procedure for me. Yet, after doing so, it reinforces feelings of self hatred for feeling less capable and less manly. It's a vicious cycle and what I wouldn't give to break it.


#427282 - 03/06/13 03:25 PM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 325
I find that if I need to look in the mirror, I will stand to the side and just poke in what I need to look at. It has become an automatic.

How can be overcome our self-fear and displacement? Why is it hard to accept the natural changes our bodies make through age? Why are we disassociated?
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#427360 - 03/07/13 08:40 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
crazy gecko Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've started so many replies to this thread, but I've never posted because I'm not sure if it's the same...

When I was younger, I often failed to recognise myself in the mirror. I never really knew what I expected to see. I don't think it was really that I expected myself to look younger, it's just that I knew that face wasn't me... And sometimes I'd look at my hands or other body parts and just know with absolute certainty that they weren't mine. It was really scary!

It started going away when I was in therapy in my twenties, but even today, sometimes, I can feel my stomach tighten when I walk into the bathroom, like - what will I see? and then I'm really relieved when I look and see it's me...
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

#427364 - 03/07/13 12:46 PM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
LazyPirate Offline

Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I relate to all of this completely!!! I have spent my life detached in every way imaginable... & the disconnect with my physical self is very strong. When I see myself in the full-length bedroom mirror, I am surprised by the sight of my own junk, of all things. It's actually larger then I think it is. Also, I'm a bit fat & I know it. But when I look in the mirror I don't really see it. Very strange.
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

#427369 - 03/07/13 02:30 PM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Does anyone else feel like this?

I posted before here that I cannot even get to words out of my mouth to "call myself a man."

I've never been able to do it. I simply cant say the words.

I also could not say my name until I was about 20-yo.

Edited by Still (03/07/13 02:35 PM)

#427411 - 03/08/13 12:44 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
For some reason, this topic is dredging up a memory in me. The first time I noticed I had pubic hair. It was probably right around the time I turned 13. The strange thing is, it seemed almost to happen overnight. Not gradually. Like one day they were just there all the sudden. I've heard other guys say they were totally stoked and proud when they first got pubes but not me. I was so freaked out! For some reason, I hated the site of them. I was ashamed of them and almost disgusted by them. It was just one more thing that made me feel uncomfortable in what I already saw as my own ugly flesh.

In my late teens I began shaving them from time to time but haven't always done that. Still do sometimes, just for the hell of it, but I'm not sure why. Not like anyone is going to see what I have down there as I have no sex life outside of masturbation and don't want one... AT ALL. Not sure why reading this thread brought that memory rushing back so strongly. Just did. Oh well. Peace.


#427419 - 03/08/13 02:07 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1261
Ok, I'm not alone in this.

I starting getting pubic hair at 11. At the time I was a little freaked out, but really didn't feel one way or another about it. When I was 12, a kid on my swim team who was a real smart ass said I needed a bikini wax...and he may have been right, but I became obsessed with keeping it hidden at all costs.

I took a set of clippers and got rid of it...and dared to shave it off with a real razor. I did a better job than I should have...since I had never so much as shaved peach fuzz from my face. After I did it I worried someone would discover what I had done. I couldn't win---a least not totally bald.

It grew back, and I never really got the "itch" to do it again.

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before


#427422 - 03/08/13 02:22 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4199
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
like you, Ken, i didn't really notice until the hair was already there and other boys started taking notice. since i was earlier than any of my peers in developing, my pubes attracted a lot of unwanted attention. i'd get cornered and forced to show it. i thought i'd take care of that by trimming them down to stubble. i thought that would make me more like everybody else. it didn't help. the fact that i had done that also drew even more attention. and then there was no camoflage or any hair to hide what else was there - which they were also interested in. like you, Will, i regretted it and didn't repeat it.

the feeling of being a unique freak persisted - even after all of them had caught up to me in that area.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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