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#427011 - 03/03/13 07:15 PM Inner struggle
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 399
Loc: Western Europe
Hi guys

Its been 2,5 months now since the one time abuse by my brother came to the surface. I've applied for therapy and hopefully i here from it soon - allready did the intake with the tests.

However, today i found myself struggling with a fear which felt familiar but yet distant. Since i quit smoking weed 4 months ago, i'm really struggling with accepting everything as it is. First the addiction, then the loss of a friend 4 years ago, and then * BANG * the sexual abuse came up again. But now i find myself in an inner fight.

I have been triggered by the word gay for years now and i feel it is exhausting me. The fear of being seen as gay is for some reason unnacceptable to me. Before the abuse i have had a homo erotic encounter with a friend from back then. I feel it was more out of curiosity than out of homo erotic feelings, but now i just dont know anymore. I dont know whether im gay or not. A couple of weeks ago i decided i was gay and that it was all good, but after that i noticed i started to focus on girls very much. This inner battle is so futile, but to be honest, i just dont know anymore.

It feels that i'm so afraid to admit that im gay, for i just dont know who i am deep down inside. The chance of finding it out by myself has been lost due to the abuse and ever since then i have been pushing away the possibility of being gay. And what you push away, comes back with a force. So because i've read a lot of stories, i know there must be more men like me who have gone through the same struggle. How do you know whether you're gay and how did you accept it?

Thnx for reading and posting!


ps. i've been reading an interesting book on shamanism, soul loss and sexual abuse was mentioned as well. I read that with abuse, the perpetrator reliefs his guilt and shame by passing it onto the victim. Does this explain why so many of us feel so ashamed and embarresed? And it seems that major traumas, like abuse, trigger soul loss. Is there anybody here who has undergone soul retrieval? I'm looking for an experienced shaman, but i also feel that it can be an excuse not to look at my own sexuality issue. I'm just way to obsessed with it, it keeps me away from my own quality and joy of life

Edited by OCN (03/03/13 07:18 PM)
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#427019 - 03/03/13 08:48 PM Re: Inner struggle [Re: OCN]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1873
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Hey OCN smile hope you are having an easier day.
I had been going thru the EXACT same thing- you can ask anyone
The thing that hurt most; for me , was the porn. I would
always watch gay porn. I would gratify myself BUT mostly
afterwards in a washroom - and then i would go with what
i was sexually turned on by females ( cousins in my family,
who hurt me ) ( i am sorry for this detail - i see how
disgusting it is reading this). I think i would obsess about
men b/c i felt i could not be a Boy! Wasnt allowed to.
Wasnt allowed to think! I was fucked up soo much.
Since joining this group ( and i have an amazing therapist)
i would constantly question " damn it ,am i gay or what?"

I felt like it was pulling my organs and tearing them apart!
I always wanted to have my own penis. I know this sounds
sick! I have one, but i am very small AND my dad 's sister
in law and his neices would always emabarrass me infront
of the whole family pulling my pants down and laughing at
me naked. Very traumatizing.
Maybe just feel your feelings. Say for example; you notice
a guy one day who is very attractive allow the feelings to
feel and be in your body. You dont necessarily have to
touch yourself. ( B/C this might provoke you to watch gay
porn, which could lead to hours on the computer.)
What i learned to do is to ask what i am feeling before
acting-out. I dont think this is helping . I am sorry;
i hope you get all the love you deserve. It IS exhausting
for me too! But let me tell you something OCN. I have spent
less time checking out porn sites lately. I go to different
anonymous groups here in Winnipeg... when i feel lonely i ask
myself " goran dont go to a computer, you know you will
watch gay porn. And actually , i did this last night.
And what i did last week is print out material from the MS
posts and i read them. I do my best to just go into the
feeling.. i might catch myself saying " but i want to goran
i want to see some guys doing that i dont need daddy "
when in MY case my dad failed me. Humiliated me, very badly.
He wasnt much of a dad. So check out people; i find it is
important to ask " maybe your attraction to a guy MIGHT be
a childhood feeling/experience " to the best to you buddy!
YOu are needed!


Edited by Sterling (03/03/13 08:51 PM)

#428013 - 03/14/13 01:02 PM Re: Inner struggle [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 399
Loc: Western Europe
Hej Goran

late reply.. i have somehow kept myself away from all that, probably for fear of being seen as gay. I have been asked if i were gay in highschool, a couple of years after it happened. I still respond in a somewhat furious way if i hear the word. It is a major trigger for me.. but i now realise its something i have to deal with, not running away from. I have to face the fact that these feelings life and thrive within me, and putting them away wont change that. Thereīs just a lot of inner confusion on the subject.
Gay porn or bisexual porn cant really satisfy me and lately i have not watched porn (a couple of weeks now). I just havent found a healthy method dealing with my sexual feelings yet, but i'll work on that..
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#428014 - 03/14/13 01:04 PM Re: Inner struggle [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 399
Loc: Western Europe
and an update.. this weekend i will be seeying my brother again.. dont really know how to deal with it.. will discuss that tonight with the therapist i guess..

But at least now i realize. Iím totally pissed at my brother for what he has done. The thought of me seeing him this weekend is kinda unnerving. If I recall, the last time I have had contact with him was through a sms on the 1st of January. Neither of us has attempted to contact each other. I have thought about it last week, but I was afraid what it would cause to me. Probably it hit him hard when I told my parents and they confronted him. But Iím starting to realize that I still trying to control my feelings about what happened. Still trying to be the tough guy.
I have absolutely no clue what I want to do next, just heard my contract will end by the end of April Ė a relief but also a lot of uncertainty. It feels so strange, to be pissed off but at the same time.. how can I truly forgive if I donít let out the anger first? I donít have to kick the **** out of things, but I need to allow it to be here. Too long have I thought it was all good. And since I confronted my brother, I feel weird. I know that deep down all I ever wanted, was to have a normal relationship with my brother. But it was only fighting before the CSA and afterwards I canít really recall anything we did together. When he went to the university, things got better, more quiet at home.
if I look back at my time in university, it was a constant flight away from the pain. First excessive drinking but then I discovered marihuana. Itís funny to tell that I did finish my education and I have got my masters degree. So I know Iím not stupid, I just donít know how to handle it all in a proper way. I realized after I quit smoking, I should take care of myself. So thatís what Iím doing, but I still try to flee in a way. Itís all excessive. Never the middle way.
Tonight I have my first appointment with a therapist. Really want to work on how to deal with my brother and the abuser. I know theyíre the same, but in order for me to live on I have to make a clear distinction. Iíll probably never find out why he did it.. but I have found out I want to move on. Ever since I told it to people, itís like wearing a mask all over again.
Anybody has any tips on how to work with this issue in a proper way? I really looking for tips to stop the self-hatred and the self-abuse. Iíve been noticing Iím so tough on myself and it hurts to see myself do this to me. I try to accept things the way they are, it just doesnít work all the times..
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!


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