I had an accomplishment I am proud of, and wanted to share what happened. I won first place in a writing contest, and when I found out, I didn't know how to respond. I have always wanted to be a writer, and am so NOT used to having a dream come true!
I went to therapy yesterday and cried so hard when I told the therapist about winning. I have major struggles with how to celebrate or be proud of myself.
I want to be proud of me, and want my family to be proud also. When I look at my life, I feel shame so readily. Addictions and recovery. Yikes. Yesterday broke a bit more of my denial.
And today I get the reward from the breaking. I feel the best I have felt in years! I feel like running again. Not as in running away, but in running as in jogging and taking better care of me.
Also, the therapist said something else that really hit home. I feel like my own worst enemy so often. The battleground inside. I always think I am avoiding my feelings by wanting to act out when I am scared to feel something. But he said that I was trying to feel when I do that. I don't always know how to feel. Not like I don't know what to feel, but just how to simply let the feelings be and experience them. Shame usually accompanies the feelings. Like I am not supposed to feel them, or am not "right" in how I feel or express them. Screw that!
Anyways, I took first place in a writing contest! And I love it!!!