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#426799 - 03/01/13 01:46 AM Marriage
EagerLearner Offline

Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
He dropped a bomb last night. Out of the blue he texted me saying "what if I can't do the whole marriage and kids thing?"

It surprised me and now I have all these questions. I always thought he wanted to get married and have kids someday. Either he hasn't been completely honest or he has changed his mind for some reason. I met him on an online dating site and one of the things he has written in his profile is that he wants to marry his best friend someday. He always talks about not wanting to be alone. He has occasionally said that he thinks that maybe he is supposed to be single, but it always seemed to come from a place of him feeling like no one would ever want to be with him. He has also said that he's not sure he could handle having a son because he is worried that it might bring back memories of his childhood, but he said he wanted a daughter.

I just don't know what to make of his seeming change of heart. I know marriage and kids aren't everyone's cup of tea and some people prefer to pursue other life goals. But he really seemed to want it; a part of me really thinks he still does. I told him it's his choice and asked him if that's really what he wanted. He said he didn't think he could handle it. I told him he wouldn't have to handle it alone and he said he just has so many trust issues.

He asked me if I would still be interested in being with him if he couldn't handle getting married. I had to be honest. I told him that I still cared about him deeply and had strong feelings for him, but I didn't think I could be with someone knowing that marriage wasn't an option. I've always had a very deep longing to get married and have kids someday. Our life goals wouldn't be the same anymore. All he hears from that is that I don't want to be with him which really isn't true. I would love to be with him, but logically it wouldn't work if one of us wants to start a family and the other doesn't.

Towards the end of our conversation he said that it wasn't the having kids thing that bothered him, but the marriage thing that scared him. But I have a hard time understanding that too. I know plenty of people have kids without getting married, but even so you are attaching yourself to that person in so far as you both share some parenting responsibilities.

I've sort of learned by now not to get my hopes up about anything more happening between us. He just seems to go back and forth so much and I never quite know what to expect. I try really hard to understand and I really want to be there to support him, but there is only so much I can do.

And I have to say that I really feel a lot of rage towards the person who did this to him. He really is a good man and he deserves so much better. He deserves to be happy.

#426804 - 03/01/13 02:23 AM Re: Marriage [Re: EagerLearner]
KAL Offline

Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
My current gentleman friend said that once- that he was supposed to be alone. We were on a break and he mentioned it. This was before everything came out. He feels differently now.

I agree with you- logically- to last- two people need to want the same life. He may, once he figures everything out. I could say "focus on what you need/ You matter- don't forget that" blah blah blah. I won't say any of that. Instead I'm gonna say: I'm so sorry. That sucks. It must be so hard to see a picture in your heart and mind and have it smashed to pieces via text message. I'm so sorry that you feel you cannot count on things anymore.

It's really hard for me to have a relationship without expectations. When a person is in a particular role you "expect" certain things- especially if they verbally conclude that they also expect these things not only with themselves but with you. I am sure he is a really great man. He does deserve to be happy. Everyone does- including you.

I guess the best advice I can give you is- do some soul searching. Figure out what is most important- sometimes when you're brutally honest with yourself you get surprised. I could not do a serious relationship and drop the marriage card but some women can. I could not have kids with someone who I am not married to but some women can. Make a list of SERIOUS priorities. When you really look- the totem pole stacked from bottom to top is sometimes not what you would expect. Good luck with everything! Remember- "Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, then it is not yet the end". (that's an old indian proverb)

#426880 - 03/02/13 12:18 AM Re: Marriage [Re: EagerLearner]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Sounds like you are in a tough spot. I found myself in a similar situation with my H a few years ago. Like you I. Met him online and from the beginning I was under the impression that the relationship would lead to a family and marriage. 2 years in I started to try to talk about the idea of getting married he would always change the subject or just turn it into a joke. I figured he wasn't ready and waited another year before I pushes the issue again. He responded by telling me that he just didn't think he wanted to get married. I wanted to have a dialoge about the reasons why but he wouldn't say. He continued to flip flop with yeah someday or maybes or its not you I just don't want to marry anyone. Well like you marriage and family were two things that I knew I needed in my life. I began to get depressed and frustrated. After a few months I faced the reality that if after 3 years he didn't want to marry me then he probably never would. I was afraid of getting pregnant and having him be with me out of obligation.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I came to the conclusion that the best thing for both of us was for me to end the relationship. I told him that I loved him deeply and was had been hoping to make a life with him. That I had been wanting to marry him but he hadn't seemed intersted so I was going to go find someone that was. I politley moved out and wished him a happy life. I truly believed that would be the end of us and I was okay if that was the case.
After thinking it over H decided that his life was much better with me than without me. And obviously we got married. I'm not saying that this is the right thing for your relationship or that if you do leave he will agree to marry you. The moral of my story is to never sacrifce your dreams to fear especially someone elses fear. Good luck with everything keep posting
Everything comes from within

#426938 - 03/02/13 04:33 PM Re: Marriage [Re: EagerLearner]
EagerLearner Offline

Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
I think for quite a while now I haven't had very high expectations of this turning into anything more than a friendship. I had high hopes initially. Those first few months when we were chatting before he had disclosed anything to me. Him saying that he wanted to marry his best friend and have kids someday. We seemed to be completely on the same page; we both seemed to want the same things. We are both intelligent, career-driven people and seemed to have similar life goals. I remember one conversation when he told me that he thought most guys didn't compliment women enough and he knew a lot of women had insecurities about their looks so he planned to tell his future wife every day how beautiful she was - and his daughters too, because they should feel beautiful too. I remember thinking that he would be a wonderful husband and father. That was before I knew about his past.

I think that maybe there were some early signs that I might have missed. It's a little more difficult to pick up on things sometimes because all of our conversations have been via online chat or text messages so tone of voice and body language are completely missed. I do remember a few times early on that I noticed some insecurities. A few months after we started talking he asked me if I was interested in him as more than a friend and he seemed almost a little surprised that I was. Then there was a time shortly after we started texting that he said he missed me. I joked back something about how could he miss someone that he had never met in person. It was more a lighthearted comment on my part and I had never intended to make him feel bad, but I didn't hear from him for weeks after that. He felt like I was laughing at him and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't interested in him. I learned after that to be a little more careful what I said since jokes can easily be taken the wrong way when sent via text where tone of voice and facial expression are lost. This was all before I knew.

About 5 or 6 months or so after we met he brought up some things from his past. I was shocked and angry, but it didn't scare me away. I immediately started reading about CSA and wanted to do my best to be supportive. I understood better where some of his insecurities were coming from. He told me he didn't attach to people normally. I told him I understood, that we could work through it. He said he wasn't sure he would ever really be able to love someone, at least not the way I love. But I firmly believed that if all the things he had said in the past about telling his wife every day how beautiful she was were true then I would feel loved.

We had a lot of back and forth. It felt like every time we would start to really get close, he would push away. I know that some his past girlfriends reacted very negatively when he disclosed to them. They told him that they would never be able to trust him to be alone with their kids if they had them because they said he would abuse them. I know that really hurt him. I think I'm one of the first people who hasn't held his past against him like that and sometimes I wonder if he's afraid that I will turn into that or something. But I couldn't imagine saying something like that to him. He is a good man and I think he has a really big heart. I definitely don't think he would ever hurt his kids. If anything I would think he would err on the side of being overprotective.

I'm just not sure what he wants anymore. But I guess it's been that way for at least the past year. There are times that he really pushes me away and then times that he tells me how much he misses me and how he thinks his life would be so much easier if he knew he could be with me. I started to get a little frustrated with the back and forth and around this time last year I started actively dating other men, but we've still kept in touch. Despite all this, I've still always thought that he wanted to get married someday. I wasn't sure that he would necessarily marry me since I seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I did think that he saw himself married to someone in the future.

I know that for me it's a dealbreaker. I may care deeply about a person, but if marriage isn't an option it will never work. I absolutely want kids in the future and I don't want kids unless I'm married. I want that commitment.

I know that we both have feelings for each other and as long as we are still talking we will probably still harbor those feelings, so sometimes I wonder if maybe it would be better to stop talking. It feels like abandonment though. He's told me a lot of things that he hasn't even told his family and we have both been a support to each other in the challenges of medical school. I'd still like to be friends with him. If I were to abandon him, I would not expect him to chase after me. I would have destroyed his trust.

I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I thank both of you very much for the support!


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