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#426542 - 02/26/13 02:14 PM The death of dreams.....I have to vent.
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
WARNING*****I am venting*****WARNING

I am very angry with H at the moment and I'm trying to work through it.

I've seen some of the things in my life change as a result of his CSA.....well not so much the CSA but the lack of information I had about it. I've made accommodations for it without ever knowing what I was accommodating. Things I thought were just temporary derailments to my goals turned out to be permanent paths.

I just found another one. A dream since I was a little will never happen as long as I am married to this man.

I'm angry that:
1. He waited so long to tell me about the CSA and made major life decisions based on it without my knowledge.
2. He will NEVER make the perp answer for it.
3. He recently used the CSA stuff as a manipulation tool for another's long to describe but basically he made out like another issue had the same effects on him as his CSA stuff.
4. He dumps his 'problems' on me. I am not a never ending well to dump his crap into.

This other issue (in #3) - the path that it will take - will ultimately bankrupt us. I'm sure of that. More dreams gone...........

I'm going to have to remove myself from these financial issues and see what he does. I just can't watch everything I ever wanted be lost forever by getting pulled out to sea in the CSA riptide. It is never ending......

#426682 - 02/27/13 06:20 PM Re: The death of dreams.....I have to vent. [Re: sugarbaby]
Alyk13 Offline

Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
I have been married over 20 years and never understood my H need to spend all we had, not save money, or quit on businesses we built. We found out about 4 years ago. I don't really know what to say, I feel for you and venting is good. We are completely starting over again.......about 6th time, it is so HARD at times.
We have discussed keeping seperate finanaces, but I think that would just cause more difficulties, not sure.
Good Luck to you but remember to keep yourself safe and children if you have any, sometimes we have to take on the additional responsibilites for this reason. When I say safe, I mean your own sanity. smile

#426808 - 03/01/13 03:32 AM Re: The death of dreams.....I have to vent. [Re: sugarbaby]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
I'm trying to separate our finances but really, there is no protection if you are in a community property state like I am. I am still keeping my separate checkbook, even though it is a tremendous headache for me to have to keep up with two sets of finances, but at least I know me and the kids will have a roof, electricity and food to eat if nothing else, right.

I've told my H that I could do financial infidelity a whole lot better if I didn't have to do sexual infidelity too. I never dreamed I'd be in this precarious of a financial situation at this point in my life.It is the death of a dream. I'm just going to do what I told him to do with,keep moving forward, a little at a time til one day we look up and we'll be "there' wherever the heck that is.
Wife of a survivor

#426825 - 03/01/13 09:11 AM Re: The death of dreams.....I have to vent. [Re: sugarbaby]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Hi Goodhope,

Right now I think you are doing the best you can. It is important to look after yourself and your children. It is my hope that your sacrifices will show results sooner than later. Your husband is not thinking clearly at the moment, to many things are clouding his vision. It is a pity that you have to put your dreams on hold. My heart goes out to you.

I am pleased to say that I have never had the added burden of worrying about money. My husband became a workaholic before and after he started dealing with his abuse issues. His need to protect me and our daughters was top of his list and that included never wanting for anything. However, it did mean that we did not spend as much time with him as we would have liked. He is different now, after 10 years his healing has progressed to a point where he is a thriver. He now has managed to balance work with family, I am now full time in our family business as well and we work as a team. Our daughters are adults now, one is married and the other is still at home. He has an amazing relationship with both of them and we are now happily maried for close on 28 years.

It has at times been a struggle but the rewards are worth it. I cannot tell you that things will be fine for you and your family, but I can tell you that it is possible.

Thinking of you,

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page

#427172 - 03/05/13 09:00 AM Re: The death of dreams.....I have to vent. [Re: sugarbaby]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
i cant relate to that, because my husband left all the financial things to me from the beginning of our relation. we never had problems. he knew from the life before our life together that he is not good in keeping money together. thats why he decided its better if i do it. and i am good smile
maybe you suggest him to just let you do it as its better for the two of you.

everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

#427194 - 03/05/13 03:53 PM Re: The death of dreams.....I have to vent. [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I had to work through some of those feelings, so I did and now I feel better. I thank you all for your input and letting me vent a bit. smile


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