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#426521 - 02/26/13 06:01 AM Re: feminization of the survivor [Re: ThisMan]
brokenbuthealing Offline

Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 2
That was a really crappy thing for a therapist to say. In my opinion, some women either are sympathetic to you or they think you are pathetic. I told an ex-girlfriend what happened to me. She then told me I was a sissy, I must have wanted and that I was gay because I did not stop it. She then broke up with me. That was not the reaction I was expecting. I have told three different girlfriends what happened to me and they all broke up with me. Is there a correlation? I decided not to tell any future girlfriend. Male therapist can be just as bad. I had a male therapist hit on me. I would tell him my issues and he would try to manipulate me into thinking I am gay. For someone with a lot of trust issues, I have been much more careful choosing a therapist whether male or female.

#426842 - 03/01/13 05:49 PM Re: feminization of the survivor [Re: ThisMan]
Zug Offline

Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
I have had similar experiences, I can empathize. Sorry it has happened to you.
T comments would be total deal breaker for me.
Comments like the other, whether chat room or in person are dangerous for me. They are difficult because these are the kinds of words that perps and people who target the weak use to keep us down. For me, it's really that simple.
This issue is something that I have struggled with over the years, so I will apologize for long post.
When confronted (I know it sounds extreme to some, feels this way) with situations I tend to either fold up, submit, knuckle under-or I lash out.
Brings up crazy feelings from childhood-abuse, etc. and then the feelings from adult abuse-awful in terms of automatic anger and rage-to feel some power, to protect myself-to prove I cannot be taken advantage of.
At this time in my life comments like these can cause me to either shut off and withdraw (for fear of lashing out, or because it triggers me) -or- lashing out, then withdrawing (it triggers me). These things can majorly knock me off course. Either through shutting off or through pissing others off. The intense shame, guilt, etc. that has always been there, as long as I can remember- that is always overwhelming after acting out and with so many negative consequences over the years.

There are powerful feelings at play-self worth, frustration, rage, the desire to do better, pressure to 'amount to something', etc. These strong, injured feelings are instantly brought up from comments/treatment like you describe-they have physical sensations, etc associated with them. It's strange, never totally noticed that before. Another new skill.

Dealing with abuse has shown sources of those feelings. I don't have to give in to anger. I have been able to start to unravel some of these complex, powerful feelings. My anger that results from situations doesn't have to be a factor, at all and I don't have to feel crushed, like I lost, again.

I am re-figuring out the shame here is not mine, it belongs to others. I need to live that, I don't have to be self conscious. I don't have to 'own' what 'they' say about me-no matter what the source, just deal with my own stuff. I have come to these conclusions after a lot of careful thought and reflection.

In many ways, it's like learning a new habit, I have tried various times with varying success over the years to do this. There was a time when I was well respected, calm, competent person. I could get there again.

There was a sense of protection/preservation developed in me. I was taught to be protective, to defend what people 'said about us'. So in these situations for me, there is a feeling of strong self preservation, duty that has been ingrained. I take responsibility for my actions; but there have been other powerful forces at work here that I did not understand for most of life. I am now recognizing the reality (yep, I said it) of what has been my life. Not what I want it to be, not what I can tolerate. This picture of my life and the people in it, is being assembled, in bits, slowly. It's painful.

Combining all this an upbringing that generally favored violence/intimidation-'always watch your back' attitude to solve issues/problems with ptsd symptoms that have ramped up over the course of my life, and that strongly ingrained duty to be protective and it's been interesting. I can't change other people, situations, I have to learn to deal. Understand what bothers me and work at it, be whole, healthy. Something I never had a chance at, never understood, knew about. This part of what gave me different results in my life always baffled me.

Let's face it; we can work on ourselves and become better people to a greater/degree according to our nature, but we can't change others. People will always be mean (it's human nature), more so if they think it will give them POWER-that is what I have learned- I have been guilty of it. Whether; family, school admin, mental health, clergy, etc. For us as survivors, it cuts extra deep when someone we look to for help does this I think, for obvious reasons.

As far as changing it for me; I do my best not to speculate or hold on to those things, not fall into dead end, negative emotions. Some days are better than others-I have to:
-be patient of myself and others something I struggle with a lot.
-ask for help with this from power(s) greater than myself, mental health folks, etc.
-accept things as they are, not imagine them as I would like them to be.
-Willing;in spite of pain, fear, anxiety. To face it-all of it the 'idea' of it, but also the specific stuff. All of it painful.
Just because I'm not willing (or able on occasion)to 'charge ahead' is ok. I can take my time. Challenge but not overwhelm. Work on simple stuff like breathing exercises, etc (powerful stuff for me). Hold On.

I receive care in an environment where we male survivors are not looked upon with favor. I have had many negative experiences like the one you describe with supposed 'professionals' in the medical and mental health fields.

I learned long ago that I need to adjust myself to conditions, not have the expectation conditions adjust themselves to me. This has been very difficult as a survivor. Accepting this can be difficult; abuse, feelings, ego, etc get in the way. All of these things, including my feelings make my conclusions about this part of my life no less valid.
Again, sorry for long post, I'm pretty sure I'm losing at least part of my mind, lol.

Edited by Zug (03/02/13 02:43 PM)
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski

#426847 - 03/01/13 07:31 PM Re: feminization of the survivor [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:26 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#426931 - 03/02/13 03:43 PM Re: feminization of the survivor [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Gentlemen, I again thank you and want to share a brief update with the T.

I saw her again near the end of the week and things were a bit different. She didn't seem as "whatever" or agitated as the previous week, and a tad more empathetic in what I did share. I also tried a new approach for me. I realized from your postings that it is I who have the power. I am paying for her services. I controlled the session. Funny, how in my emotional darkness, I forgot I have the light within me. I decided to use that light today.

I told her there would be no tears today. That the past few weeks had been really hard emotionally and I needed a break. If the topic became emotional, we changed it. If I was uncomfortable sharing, I just said, I'm not ready to talk about that, such as when she asked about random acting out. I said, "Sure, I am doing that, but I'm not ready to talk about it." Sounds counter-productive, but it was emotionally safe. I needed to know it was MY session and I had control.

If I wanted to share and wasn't comfortable with the possible reactions, I said, "I'll tell you a story about a friend. Take ME from the equation and tell me what you think regarding my friend." I also told her I did not fully trust her or her reactions and remarks. (But I don't trust anyone.) So, she has been reminded of the trust factor.

On the drive across town, I found myself completely out of body. Completely disengaged emotionally. It was the lightest of lightness. I shared that with the T and we decided it was a major disassociation. Maybe during the session, I continued with a milder form of disassociation and perhaps that was why I had no emotion.

Overall, it was what a good session is supposed to be. Safe, helping, and non-threatening. Maybe next week, I can get back to the real pain, but this week was still good on so many levels. I could not have accomplished this without your words and your thoughts. Thanks again, guys of MS. Angels.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#432183 - 04/23/13 07:58 PM " [Re: ThisMan]
lbcali1978 Offline

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217

Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 05:01 AM)
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it


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