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#42648 - 05/27/01 04:42 AM empathy for abuser
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I think the hardest thing to do is to let go of your pain and anger. For me, i think trying to understand and forgive my brother is going to go a long way towards healing.

I still think my brother is a good person. Ever since i've known him, he has always been like that. He also has a lot of suppressed rage about his life, and i suspect he may have been abused himself. But the fact that he has always tried so hard to control his temper is part of why i think he is a good person.

Unfortunetly, he has always suffered from a lack of self control. I think feeling so helpless to change his situation made him feel like nothing he did made any difference. I think he was on drugs, either weed, methamphetimine, or both, which may explain a little about why he did what he did. He may not have even remembered doing it, just as i tried to forget it happened as well. I am not exusing him for his behavior.

I feel that i can no longer assotiate with him if i want to lead a healthy life. What he did was inexusable. I am going to notify his ex-wife, because he has children of his own. I am also going to see if i can find some way of asking his children if they have been molested in some way.

When I confront him, i am going to tell him how he hurt me, what he took from me. I am going to tell him that i am taking back control of my life, and that what happened to me will not control me. Then, i am going to tell him, that if he wants my forgiveness, he won't let what he did to me control his life, that he will try lead the best life he can, and to be the best person he can be. If he retains some custody over his children, i want him to be a good father to his children, and to never do to them what he has done to me. I will suggest he enters therapy. After that, i will tell him that i can no longer have him as a part of my life, tell him i love him, and say goodbye.

#42649 - 05/28/01 03:52 AM Re: empathy for abuser

How long was your brother married? What are the ages of his children? Why is he getting a divorce? How long have they been separated?

It sounds like your own the right path, but be careful how you step! Make sure that you take these steps one at a time and in a safe place.

Surely, you know your brother, but don't go into this thinking that you know your brother. Do you know what I mean?

Sexual abuse is like a disease of the mind... the longer he goes without treatment the worse it gets.

Just be careful how you do this!

#42650 - 05/28/01 04:41 PM Re: empathy for abuser
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

I think the hardest thing to do is to let go of your pain and anger.

Yup, i got to second that one.

For me it ranks right up there with forgiving myself for my part in it all.

I like what you wanted to tell him, you got me thinking.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#42651 - 05/29/01 11:11 PM Re: empathy for abuser
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
What are you trying to achieve? Do what you need, if he hurt you what will stop him from hurting others even his own children?

Above all else take care of yourself.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat


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