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#426357 - 02/25/13 03:52 AM How do I help
KAL Offline

Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
My beloved is a CSA survivor. He recently confronted his abuser about 2 weeks ago. He's going to therapy twice a week and is so dedicated to his happiness and resolve concerning this issue. I really think he is such a champion and I tell him all the time. I love him so dearly. The thing is- he's so so so so sad. He feels empty inside- he doesn't say it, but I can feel it. Like this dark cavern that's sucking up everything that's good and leaving all the sh**. I don't know what to do, how to help, what to say, what not to say. I'm having a really hard time seeing him this way just because I love him so very much. I am angry at the person who did this to that sweet boy. I am angry at the evil in the world that is consuming him right now. I'm sad because he is sad. I feel totally powerless- I feel like there is literally nothing I can do to help. That may be true. Is there anyone out there who can maybe give me a clue on something that they maybe needed but never got- or something that someone did that really lifted them up in their hour of need? This afternoon is the first time that this issue got in the way of our relationship in an intimate nature. I don't want this to hurt what we have. Any advice- even books that would be good for me to read- would be great. A lot of the "how to help" books are geared toward helping women. Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

#426358 - 02/25/13 04:12 AM Re: How do I help [Re: KAL]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
I relate to that powerless feeling. I feel the same so often. I found "Allies in Healing" helpful (despite being sort of geared toward female my experience, my male survivor experiences very similar issues). The grieving process takes time. A few years, in my survivor's case. The sadness and emptiness is so profound. There is little you can do, beyond hold him and reassure him when he needs it, be available, be stable as possible, have low expectations, and don't take it personally. Unfortunately it probably will impact your relationship, temporarily. It would be nearly impossible for it not to. Try to trust that he is strong and will work through it and be ok. You two may even come out stronger for it.

#426404 - 02/25/13 03:33 PM Re: How do I help [Re: KAL]
WhyWhyWhy Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
Good for you - just by asking here! I feel there are no pat answers-each man is so different. It is a long hard road for the guys, so much pain comes up before the recovery can start-but it does work if he sticks to it, you also. As for books, way too many, I would ask his T which 1 fits you best depending on his situations. Hold on tight, things will trickle out, don't give up, you 2 must be worth it ! WE ARE & loving the progress. (just another friggin process) (anything worth it, takes time)
Still trying hope?

#427054 - 03/04/13 04:27 AM Re: How do I help [Re: KAL]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
It sounds like you are doing all you. As a survior I can tell it is and will be a rough road for him. It took me almost three years to let it all out and even then I know there are pieces that I just do not or can not let out. At some point it may help for you to meet with his T. This would help you for yourself and to understand his process better. My wife was there when I could talk about it and did not pressure me. What a wise women and wife. I am trying to speak to what we have done,which has worked, Keep in mind each man and his experiance is differant, so the path to some normanize is differant. Just tell him of your love and you are there if he wishes to talk, in the mean time take care of yourself,read, see a T if you can, our thoughts and best wishes are you.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.


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