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#425862 - 02/19/13 09:21 PM dont want to be creepy possible trigger
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
So I have two issues or questions I guess. I'm just looking for other opinions really.
1) So my H has complained about me being cold and told me that he wants more s3x. One night I came home late and was planning on "gettin some" but found that he was already alseep. The next day I told him about it. His response was "well you should have just started something up. I would have woke up. " I told him that i would feel creepy touching him when he was alseep and am afraid that he would think I was being rapey. He just laughed and said that I couldn't rape him. Okay fine fair enough I am his wife and probably the least rapey chick out there but I still feel really uncomfortable about being more sexually agressive with my H.
I don't know any details about his abuse and am so terrfied of doing something that will remind him of his perp. To even thick of it makes my stomach turn. It would break my heart if I found out I was touching him some way that his perp did. I'm afraid if I just come out and ask him he will get really annoyed. I know his perp was a male and maybe I'm just being paraniod but I don't know how to gracefully handle this situation.
2) the next situation that I am worried about messing up is how he has started to randomly bring up csa from time to time. In the past when I have brought it up he would shut down right away so I've stopped. But know I am wondering if he is testing the waters to see my reaction or if he just has been thinking about it more so it slips out. Here is an example
We where at having drinks and I saw a kid I thought his brother knew. H has brought him up from time to time for the last couple years. It was always the same story that this kid broke his brothers nose and had rage problems because his dad beat him. But this time the conversation was different.
Me - hey isn't that M?
H- yeah
Me- I see him out drinking a lot.
H- yeah he has a alcohol problem he likes to drink a lot.
Me- well I'm not really surprised with how bad he got beat as a kid. That sucks
H- well he got raped by his uncle
Me- oh do you know that?
H- my brother told me M told him about it. Pause......I'm going to go say hi to him
This was out of character we have seen M out before but H doesn't go out of his way to talk to him. That night thought he talked to him a lot and looked really sad after like he might cry. Although he told me he was just tired. So here is my question should I be doing more to let H know its okay to talk about it? I don't know a way to words things when he brings up the csa that is open but not pushy. Or maybe I shouldn't worry about it. I just don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring it when he brings up. Shit I don't know
Everything comes from within

#425864 - 02/19/13 10:21 PM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
1) You are going to wake him up anyway (I hope) so wake gently and wisper in his ear that you are a present for him. He either will be happy or will roll over and go to sleep. I don't care what he says, ask first. I'm sure you would expect the same.

2) Be a bit receptive and let him know you are. Say that you are glad that he trusts you with his thoughts. Then give him a kiss. (might get more of step 1) Or a reassuring squeeze to the arm (boring) or whatever works for you.

And since I know nothing about your H then consider what you paid for my 2 cents worth of advice. wink

#425884 - 02/20/13 01:42 AM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Mostly ditto of what Candu said. It's possible your H likes the feeling of you taking charge; it's no secret that a lot of SA survivors (and people who aren't, too) have rape fantasies, or "surprise sex" fantasies, or just plain like something a little different for a change. Don't do anything to startle him, just initiate slowly, quietly, playfully.

If he's talking about it with you more that's VERY good, it means he's normalizing having you know and is less self-conscious and ashamed. It is part of his life he can share with you because he knows you're on his side and it makes him feel better to face this with you than alone, than always keeping his guard up, than stifling or lying. I can't overstate what a good sign this is.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#425892 - 02/20/13 02:20 AM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
HD - yep - sounds like progress to me - on both fronts.

1. as we survivors progress, our attitudes and reactions change. this can be sudden - and it can be disorienting to supporters. before i started therapy, i was very passive and would love to have had my wife initiate something in bed. that was one of my problems - couldn't get started, but with a jump-start, i was OK and could get into it. when the memories started returning, i became hyper-sensitive and hands-off. any physical contact could trigger a very bad reaction - emotionally and also physical tension and discomfort. one time i got super-triggered by half-a-dozen pretty innocuous ways in which she was trying to be romantic. none of it was overtly harmful or obviously connected to abuse - but in my thoughts and feelings - there was a strong association. two weeks later, after a couple of therapy sessions, a lot of introspection, reading and writing, i was raring to go. some of the same techniques that had previously been triggers were now strong positive stimuli. she was confused by all the reversals. i tried to explain but i'm not sure if it made much sense. communication is super important - and we guys are not always very good at that. sometimes it takes me days to figure out what i am feeling - and why. but i am getting better. sometimes now it is only hours. so - i'd say, take it slow and give plenty of cues and opportunities to change direction or backtrack or stop. be aware and flexible and sensitive - and you'll probly both have a good time.

2. same thing with taking about CSA - be open to changes in his tolerance level and openness and even desire to talk about it. it may go either way - more open - or less. sometimes i will bring it up and see how she responds. if it feels like a receptive atmosphere, i'll go further. if not, i shut down. sometimes it is OK for her be the one to ask or give an opening. i may or may not be ready at the time. if i feel like she is OK with that - taking either yes or no for an answer, it makes it easier next time.

it is a learning process - almost a dance - give and take and moving together - sometimes forward, sometimes backward - but in rhythm and sometimes switching off who is leading. trial and error - building trust. being ok with missteps. beginning again...

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#425910 - 02/20/13 07:23 AM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa

As my H and I are both survivors of CSA our circumstances were a little different to what you are going thru, but I had blocked mine (almost as if it did not happen) whilst he was on his path of healing.

Intimacy during that time (it took him 10 years to become a thriver) was not easy but we both made a concerted effort to ensure that we did not dis-connect. A favorite trick, if I may call it that, was to get into bed and ask him to warm me because I was cold. We would end up cuddling and sometimes things happened and other times we just spoke. Remembering that intimacy involves being able to let your guard down, getting rid of the ego and merely enjoying each other.

The guys here are giving very good advice, listen, take what you feel is relevant, but ultimately you know your H and only you will know the way to go. He is very lucky to have someone so caring in his corner.

Be strong,

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
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#426153 - 02/22/13 08:32 PM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Good good I'm feeling better about this now. Although I will admit that starting this up in the bedroom is outside my comfort zone. However I. Think it will be good for me to try. And I figure even if I make an akward mess of things we can just laugh about it.
Everything comes from within

#426174 - 02/23/13 12:22 AM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I still feel really uncomfortable about being more sexually aggressive with my H.

I've been in that boat for a long time. H tells me all the time it's fine, I'm fine, go ahead and sneak attack......but I can't do it. It's getting better though......almost.

testing the waters

H did that a lot - not so much anymore. I have noticed that pattern in other people that I've come to find out have CSA issues. I just listen a lot now and let them go at their pace.

Edited by sugarbaby (02/23/13 12:23 AM)

#426182 - 02/23/13 01:11 AM Re: dont want to be creepy possible trigger [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: HD001
Good good I'm feeling better about this now. Although I will admit that starting this up in the bedroom is outside my comfort zone. However I. Think it will be good for me to try. And I figure even if I make an akward mess of things we can just laugh about it.

That's the spirit! Sometimes you just need to take a risk.


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