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#426078 - 02/22/13 12:32 AM My introduction - its not a pretty story.
Roaring Gryphon Offline

Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 2
Hi everyone. My handle is meant to be a play on my family history and the fact that I don't want to remain silent anymore, but its rough.

I've felt isolated about the abuse I endured due to its nature. I've been on another community that has a special thread for "people like me" for several months, but the vast majority of the survivors in that thread are female, and even though I've had a lot of healing discussions there and its no secret that I "belong" in that thread, I'm not ready to mention my own specific history there yet, though I hope to some day.

Somehow I feel a bit more comfortable being frank here because I don't have a "family" here yet, so I just will.

I'll make this nice and quick and be frank from the beginning or else I'll loiter here for months without saying what I came here to say.

What happened is disgusting, humiliating, and horrendous so please be careful reading ahead.


When I was fourteen I caught two men abusing a horse while I was wandering around late at night at a family friend’s ranch where she keeps several rescued farm animals.

To be specific the two men had truspassed onto the property and were using a mare for sex as though she was a woman. I only very recently learned that they targeted her because she was in heat and her mating instincts prevented her from fighting back, but the time I didn’t understand that and my ignorance made my feelings about the abuse even worse.

I walked in on them as they were doing it, then the men saw me, and I confronted them and threatened to get them in trouble.

The men decided they would punish men or teach me a lesson or whatever by holding me in the stable and forcing me to do humiliating and degrading things with the mare they were abusing under threat of “making me sorry” if I refused.

All I’ll ever say is that in their own sick words, they “turned me into a stallion for the night” and they forced me to do with her what a male horse would do with a female horse while breeding.

I didn’t want to do it, and I tried my hardest to do as little as possible and even tried faking it, but they ordered me to "give it to her" and once that started there was no turning back.

As disgusted as I was and still am with myself for physically responding to the situation I was forced in to, the unwanted fact that it “felt good” may have saved my life by allowing me to do what the men wanted in order to let me leave in one piece.

At the age of 25 this remains my only experience of sexual intercourse and that really messes with my head because whenever I think about sex this is the only experience I have to recall.

I haven’t been to the place where it happened in the decade since and hope I never need to for any reason.

I was never abused using an animal again, but I still feel like a subhuman monster and sometimes feel like a freak when I’m in public even though no one but my dearest most loving and trustworthy friends have any idea what happened.

I also feel ungrateful because I know that if I was a female in that situation I would have been in even greater danger from those men.

Edited by Roaring Gryphon (04/24/13 02:01 AM)
Edit Reason: i remove certian details nto effecting the nature of the message

#426084 - 02/22/13 01:13 AM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
hey roaring
I am so sorry for what happened to you. abuse of all kinds is just as damaging to our feelings and no matter hoe it takes place it sucks. i hope that you find freedom here to correspond to those who can relate to your pain. you are not ruined,you were abused and there is healing. this is a good place to begin
heal well
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#426085 - 02/22/13 01:46 AM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Gryphon -

your story is indeed disturbing. i can see why it has been traumatic for you. i can't say my experience is in any way similar - except in this respect - we were both under the power of others - who attempted to transfer their guilt onto us. unfortunately - that is often successful. sounds like you have been carrying a huge load of guilt and shame for a long time. shame and guilt that belongs only to the perpetrators - not to you. they tried to make you complicit and responsible by involving you against your will. as if by your being forced to do what they were doing intentionally - they could make you equal in their evil-doing. you were as much their victim as the horse was. you are not an accomplice or accessory. you were used like a tool.


i know that is easy for me to say - and hard for you to believe and to feel. but it is true. regardless of the way your body reacted to the physical stimulus. i, too felt betrayed by my physiological response to the nerve endings being activated by the abusers. i know the self-condemnation and self-loathing. i too hate it that there was pleasure involved. that makes it confusing and conflicting and messy and scary. but you are not the same as them.


we understand. and you are not alone.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#426410 - 02/25/13 04:07 PM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome Gryphon,

There are many stories men have told here that are shocking or disturbing to read. Don't worry that your's is difficult to tell. We all "get it". There's no judgement, or condemnation here. Read as you're able, and post when you feel comfortable. You'll find that our stories are different, but the aftermath in our lives is remarkably similar. Be well!

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#426452 - 02/25/13 09:52 PM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
Roaring Gryphon Offline

Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much. I had to sort of keep my distance for a while, but thank you all so much for your kind and healing words.

#426455 - 02/25/13 10:23 PM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest

I feel so sorry for you. Remember that the survival instinct in all of us is extremely strong and you did what you had to do to survive. Please do not feel guilty. You had no choice in the matter. In some respects all of us here were forced into doing things we did not want to do. Your body reacted to stimuli, and that is nothing to feel bad about. We all understand your situation, and no one thinks badly of you. The support you will get here is incredible. For me personally, the help I've received from other survivors has been key to my recovery, and I hope the same holds true for you. All the best on your journey to healing - DavO

#426494 - 02/26/13 03:33 AM Re: My introduction - its not a pretty story. [Re: Roaring Gryphon]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:17 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED


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