Your significant other is going through a lot of pain right now.
He is trying to deny that the abuses happened, but it is not working. The ugly truth keeps surfacing and letting him know that it did happen. It is not uncommon for survivors to tell themselves things such as "it didn't happen," "ok, it happened, but it wasn't that bad," "ok, it happened, but it was a long time ago and it shouldn't be affecting me," "it happened, but so what? Others have endured worse," etc., etc., etc.
No one wants to admit to themselves that they were used in this manner by another. The pain, emotional and physical, is just too great. We would rather accept our distortions than to admit, and accept, that we were objects used to gratify the needs of others.
Please do not make any decisions regarding your relationship right now while he is in the throes of depression. Right now is the time for you to engage in self care
, which may mean that you see your own therapist. Give him some space - do not ask him about the abuse or where the two of you stand. He wants to be in your life, but he does not feel worthy of your love. He does not feel worthy at all. All he can consider at his point, as a result of the depression, the trauma and the damage to his self esteem, is that you would be better off without him. He cannot accept himself and he cannot see how you could possibly love him or want him in your life. Depression is cruel.
I am sorry if this pains you, but it is part of the healing journey with which we, and those who love us, struggle.
The response he received from his mother is -- enraging. She is telling him that her needs (denial; possibly protecting someone) is more important than what happened to him. She ignored his pain when he was abused and she is doing it again.
His sister knows the truth - she also endured it from the same neighbor. Telling someone to "get over it" is one of the most hurtful and disrespectful things you can tell a survivor. While his sister may believe that denying the abuse is working for her, the reality is, it doesn't work for long. She may not want to believe events from the past are affecting her, but they are. She wants her brother to "get over it" so SHE doesn't have to deal with it. That statement is for her benefit, not his.
There are several books written for the signifcant others of survivors and those for survivors that you may find helpful. You will find them in the MS bookstore
. I am certain the people who post in the Friends and Family forum will have suggestions regarding the books they found most helpful.
The books will not be easy to read, but they will give you an insight into the ravages of sexual abuse and the impact it has on all facets of life.
Please post as often as you need in the Friends and Family forum. There is a lot of support available here for you. There is also a Friends and Family room in the Lounge (chat room), which will give you real-time support.
Regardless what happens with your relationship, you must take care of yourself. Eat properly, exercise and get adequate sleep. Seek support where you can find it. But don't make every conversation you have with friends be about healing/ supporting. Part of taking care of yourself means taking a break from this wild ride.
I hope your signifcant other gets the help he needs to deal with the trauma he has experienced. There is an amazing man beneath the pain.
If you and your signifcant other have the courage and the strength to ride this wild roller coaster, the two of you will emerge stronger individually and as a couple. You will grow in ways you are not able to envision right now.
This will not be an easy journey for either of you. Nor will it be a quick journey. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. There are times each of you will be tired of this - sick of the books and the therapy. Sick and tired of the ups and downs, and you will be mentally and physically exhausted. Sometimes things will feel much worse than before you embarked on this journey. That is par for the course.
It is okay to take a break from healing from time to time. Even when you are not actively working on healing, there is healing taking place.
If you are ready to dive into the deep end of the pool, the life guards here are on duty.