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#425734 - 02/18/13 11:02 PM Can't talk about it
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 410
I just can't talk about it. Not without having some kind of insane physical reaction. A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend online about how I wasn't looking forward to today, since it would be the anniversary of stuff that happened to me. He knows I was attacked, but not everything that happened. I was telling him that I hadn't really thought much about it till a girl I know was saying that the anniversary of something that happened to her was coming up, and she was finding it hard.

That's what put the idea into my head that it was going to be a big deal. Then he asked me, what happened to the girl? I felt like I was going to pass out or something. I couldn't think what to say. If I said what happened to her then he'd know the real reason for me being so freaked out. And I don't want him to know that about me. Kind of. But I sort of do, because then I can explain some things about me that must seem weird. But maybe its better to just appear weird?

In the end I just said I couldn't say. Maybe it's just harder to talk to people my own age about it. I think people can accept things from when you were younger, you were just a kid so there was nothing you could do about it. (recently I found that easier to talk about. Not the details but just the fact it happened) But when its something that happened more recently, at an age when I wasn't exactly a child, I think other guys will be thinking "well I wouldn't let that happen to me, what's wrong with you?" Or worse, feel pity at how pathetic a person I must be. I KNOW this friend wouldn't say that to me. But he might be thinking it. (See I really feel the need to try and justify myself now to everyone here about how I'm not really a pathetic person)

I can't even say things to myself, so what chance have I got of saying them to anyone else? I didn't even have to say them to my friend, we were only on msn. But I can't even think about writing about it without having a panic attack. If you look at what I wrote above I just said "stuff happened". I guess it's just something that takes time? What can I do to get myself unstuck from this?

(The so called anniversary hasn't been the terrible event I've been making it out to be in my mind. I haven't done any of the things that I planned to do, so that's good. Because they weren't really that good things anyway. All my family had taken the day off work, which was just adding to me making it into a big event. Like, yay lets all take the day off work so we can celebrate "feel sorry for me day". But its been ok. So far. I'm slightly drunk now though, so i hope this makes some kind of sense)

#425741 - 02/19/13 12:08 AM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think other guys will be thinking “well I wouldn’t let that happen to me, what’s wrong with you?” Or worse, feel pity at how pathetic a person I must be. I KNOW this friend wouldn’t say that to me. But he might be thinking it. (See I really feel the need to try and justify myself now to everyone here about how I'm not really a pathetic person)

Hey guy. No justification needed here. We get it. They can't because they have not been through it.

While I hope you find ways of dealing with this as soon as possible don't think that you can get over it quickly. Some things will get better. Other things may take more time. Just try and keep moving forward.

I'm 52 and trying to deal with it. I have not been able to talk about it yet. I told one person (that I know rather than a therapist) that I was sexually abused as a child and it took about two hours to get out. That's all I said. And my mouth could hardly form the words. With the therapist I was able to talk easier but when I touched on an incident I got triggered and froze. Got myself under control (barely) and said something to get past that point. It wasn't much.

#489498 - 10/06/15 11:32 AM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Please just try to trust yourself ok. I know its hard.

#489499 - 10/06/15 11:34 AM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline

Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 178
Loc: Quebec-Canada
" I think other guys will be thinking “well I wouldn’t let that happen to me, what’s wrong with you?”. They have not been there they dont know, trust me on this.

#489502 - 10/06/15 12:21 PM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3785

What happened to you at any age is unacceptable. Do not let your age make you begin to think you could have done something about it. The mind takes over and puts us in protective mode, and for each of us it may be a different mode. Do not blame yourself or think why didn't I do this or that, the what if game can control you and create false thoughts in your mind.

I do not judge you for what happened--whatever it was or when it occurred. You were a victim of someone else--

You will talk about it when you are ready.


#489517 - 10/06/15 03:37 PM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]
Severe stammer Offline

Registered: 10/04/15
Posts: 384
Hello TXB Big Hug x
Im happy to meet you and listen your not alone anymore ,you in a very safe place , we all understand what the effects of childhood abuse can do as we grow older believe me ive been in your boat , we are all traumatised in different ways .
But you need to start trying to seek more help aswell , go to your doctors and ask a friend who beliefs you to come with you and go on your own if you have to , you need therapy don't let it rule your life , im on a journey of recovery and im learning to come to terms with my severe childhood abuse .
I did disclose , but was offered no help in adult life .
I turned to drink and drugs and sex to escape reality .
But that's not the way you need to be clear headed and don't stick your head in the sand , learn to move on stop having anniversaries about your trauma .
We are all here to talk and guide you to be more positive ,it isn't the end of the world , I use to get very angry but I also live with a severe stammer , but its not killed me , im a survivor same as you are same as we all are .
Keep posting
Take care x
Fill yourself with people who care about you who respect you

#489579 - 10/07/15 03:39 AM Re: Can't talk about it [Re: txb]
tommyb Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 911
Loc: American South

Your post really hit me. I kind of have to walk away from it and maybe I'll post more of a reply later. Regardless, you remain in my thoughts.

#489603 - 10/07/15 11:35 AM Re: Talking about it [Re: txb]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 410
Thanks, I actually posted this about 2 and a half years ago. It's kind of timely that this was bumped back up because I was thinking about it recently.

A couple of months after I posted that I found a therapist. At first I did one session then quit, but I went back a couple of months later and I was eventually able to talk. I didn't die and the world didn't end. At the start of this year I talked about some of the worst things that happened to me. Well, I wrote them down and showed them to my therapist, but that still counts. I didn't die from that either. I still don't feel that good about talking about it, but at least it doesn't usually cause me any kind of intense physical reaction anymore. I have definitely made progress. I hope this is maybe useful for other people who are just starting out to hear.

I haven't spent much time talking about the things that did happen to me when I was 15. I'm not sure why. I have thought a lot about it though and I don't feel quite the same way as I did then. My girl cousin is 15. In a way she's pretty responsible. Like you could leave her home alone for a couple of days and she could take care of herself. She can cook, does her own laundry and is responsible for taking care of her pets. I think that sort of stuff made me think about 15 as being the same as being an adult. But just because you can do adult stuff doesn't mean you are one, you can't make adult decisions, and since you're not an adult you pretty much have no say in anything and people just ignore you. So even though I like to think that at 15 I was just the same as an adult, it's not true. My cousin still needs people to look out for her and take care of her. I shouldn't expect my own 15 year old self to be any different. So I do feel quite differently about it. I still think that most people would think that at 15 they wouldn't let stuff happen to them but they have no clue what they are talking about.

Originally Posted By Severe stammer
learn to move on stop having anniversaries about your trauma.

Yes, this is very good advice. Since stuff happened to me over a long period of time it's possible that almost every day is the anniversary of something horrible. Life would be terrible if that's all I focussed on, so I don't. Mostly I'm focussed on things that make me happy, people I love, plans for the future. Since posting about the anniversary thing 2 years ago I imagined that every year would be bad, but this year it was pretty much a non-event.

Tommyb, sorry this post upset you. I hope you're doing okay. (My name is also Tommy B - it was my birthday yesterday. Kind of freaky). I hope that you have a good day today.

#489622 - 10/07/15 04:06 PM Re: Talking about it [Re: txb]
tommyb Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 911
Loc: American South
It's my birthday, today. No sh_t.

#489630 - 10/07/15 05:11 PM Re: Talking about it [Re: txb]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
Hi txb.

I like your post because it hits home on many levels. I had always had a very difficult time talking to anyone about my abuse as a child. I too would have major emotional and sometimes physical reactions to any conversations about abused kids and it was the same when i would see a special on TV> When i started recovery it was the same. it was a real obstacle. My solution turned out to be very effective. what i did was to talk about it with an imaginary friend. My approach was simply to tell the story to someone i thought i could trust and would understand. It turned out i use the premise i was talking to three people. My twin sister. one of my brothers and my younger sister. Sounds corny I know and me being an engineer makes it sound even stranger. It felt a little silly at first but once i allowed myself to get into it - well it worked well.

This process lead me to start writing a journal and it really helped.

I hope things get better and stay strong.


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