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#425181 - 02/13/13 06:15 PM the lonely
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I have been doing pretty well at keeping busy the last couple months. I have great friends and I enjoy my work as well. Somehow I still feel lonely. the lack of intimacy with my H really bugs me. I know that I can't fix it so I try to focus on myself but there is still the nagging lonliness. The feeling that there is this big part of my life that isn't blossoming. I keep trying to step back and shrug it off after all in most ways I have a great life. I feel guilty when I let things with H get me down. And when I get down he seems to try to pretend extra hard that everything is okay. I long to have a normal relationship where we go do things together and talk about our thoughts and ideas. A relationship were I can get upset and cry and my H knows how to comfort me instead of making my sadness a reflection of his failure.
When we were first dating he talked to me about all kinds of things. I felt safe with him and he made me feel beautiful. I loved his blunt honesty and felt like I could ask him anything. Now he is the man who is afriad of his shadow the man who believes that any day now I am going to leave him. Oh my darling it is not you that is the cause of my sadness it is the lack of you. But he doesn't hear anything over the voices of self loathing. And I don't feel like anyone in my life understands the lonliness.
I feel like he is away at war most of the time. Its a war that only he sees. He doesn't cheat on me. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't even call me names. So people don't understand what the big deal is how can I be so upset. Its like when you are at a party in a room full of people and you feel alone even though you aren't . Somewhere there is a woman who has so much less than I do but is happy anyway. I want to meet her because I know I need an attitude adjustment. If you read this thanks
Everything comes from within

#425196 - 02/13/13 08:20 PM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
Rosemary Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa

It is not easy to go through what you are experiencing. I am not sure when your husband started his healing journey and how long you have been married.

In our situation my husband told me of his abuse just over ten years ago, at the time we were married 17 years, and I am pleased to say that we have won the war. Some of the battles along the way were exhausting. There were times when the CSA would not be mentioned for months on end and then there would be something on TV or in the media and it would bring it all back again.

My husband spent a good 18 months in therapy and I think the tipping point for him was when he spoke to our daughters, once they had both finished school. his relationship with them improved (especially after the teen years). They understood him better, it made sense to them why he was so protective of them.

He is a very strong character, and he was a good provider and great father to our two daughters. But, I always thought something was amiss, once the abuse was out in the open we were able to deal with it. He made the most progress last year when he attended a "Victims no longer" workshop with Mike Lew in England. He returned home to South Africa with a renewed lease on life. I had to face the realization that he needed to talk and connect with other men who had also been abused as children or teens.

We are now nearing our 28th year of marriage and I can say without a doubt that we have overcome and are happily married.

My advise to you is that it may take longer than you anticipated but that the rewards will be worth it.

Hang in there if you can but always remember to look after yourself.

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page

#425197 - 02/13/13 08:42 PM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I have been alone for most of my adult life. No it is not good but I can't change the past. I am a little hopeful of the future though. How do I get by?

By not being exposed to what many others have. By not watching TV or movies that may bring out the desire to be with someone. By putting on blinders and not seeing what I am missing. Now this in no way is good. But it is less painful compared to being continually exposed to what you had and no longer having it.

I believe we can get by without intimacy. But it certainly is not a complete life. And when things go wrong with the few things in your life then there is little to support what may remain. You need to make sure you have enough other things that will help to fill your life.

Sorry for not being helpful.

#425307 - 02/15/13 03:22 AM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
All responses are helpful always. The more angles and perspective I can see things from the clearer the overall picture. Rosemary I'm really happy to hear that your relationship has survived and made it through the storm. H and I have only been married for over a year but I have watched the storm brewing for the last 5. I've known that something was wrong for a long time.
Everything comes from within

#425483 - 02/16/13 05:09 PM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
WontGiveUp Offline

Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 218
Loc: Texas

My husband and I had major intimacy issues for years. We are just now getting to the root of the issue (his CSA). I was literally at divorce's door, looking up lawyers - getting costs etc. because of the lack of intimacy. I personally would rather actually BE alone than FEEL alone when I am with someone. Well, he came home last week from the Therapists and asked to talk to me. He started remembering stuff that happened to him as a child and it all started to click. From reading here, and reading article after article, seems intimacy can become a real issue for the survivor. There is hope, but it can take a long time. My H and I are in our second year of marriage now, and we are just starting to climb this mountain. I do take relief in knowing that it wasnt ME causing the issue (lets face it, when your spouse has nothing to do with you, it crushes your soul, and if you dont know WHY, like the CSA - then its automatically assumed its you. At least it was for me). I hope that you guys can get through this - and definitely get the help of a counsler. I would also make sure that you guys are on the same page on what intimacy means to each of you. That was a BIG thing with me and my H - we had two very different ideas of what it was. He thought it was sex, and I felt it was the little things, like holding hands or just talking - knowing eachother deeply.

There are alot of steps you can take to work on this, but if you havent already, please think about getting the help of a pro to work with you guys and mediate. With out our counseler, I am sure that my H and I would not be together now.

I know this probably isnt very helpful - but you are not alone, and you are not alone in this struggle. There IS hope. My H and I are just now starting this fight for recovery...and I have no illusions that it will be easy or fast. But just knowing that his actions are SO common with survivors has helped me understand it and helped me cope. Keep coming here, read what others are saying and know that you are not by yourself in this.
*** rising from the ashes like a phoenix ***

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

#425526 - 02/17/13 10:04 AM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2712
Loc: durham, north england
Hd I could pretty much have written the first part of your post but also completely understand the point about your husband since worhtlessness is something I struggle with myself.

Unlike what "won't give up" said about her husband, for myself it is always the lack of the small things that hurts.

Part of me wants to respond in a similar way to Candu, indeed part of me feels jealous that you even have! the possibility for intimacy having myself never experienced that, however that sort of response is not helpfull, since your leg is still broken and still hurts and all the contemplating of people with multiple compound fractures or severe burns in the world won't change that fact.

However I will say one thing. The consequences of self loathing and worthlessness are! possible to deal with, albeit that it takes considderable time and effort. yes, it is a war, but it is a war that has, if not a victory at least an amicable cease fire.

For myself for instance, I struggled with a sense of worthlessness so cripling I'd believe anything I did was bad, wrong, disgusting. That I was uggly, stupid, ineeffective. It got so bad there were points that I'd write three pages of my phd thesis, start rereading them then instantly delete the hole thing as utter crap, or go and catch the train on the way to a social function, sit at the station and think "well, people wouldn't want me there anyway!" then turn around and come back.

This sense of worthlessness was absolutely implicit. Any description of myself, five foot 8, 29, English, would always! for me include the term worthless, and even if other people told me differently, I was utterly unable to accept or believe it. I'd always think Someone was being nice, that a person was being good enough to complement me to try and make me feel better rather than making any sort of real judgement about me. It didn't matter if this was a friend saying they liked my company, my parents, or just someone saying they liked my writing or my singing, --- such people were "being nice"

For me, finding an answer took a great deal of work and far too many periods confronting my own worthlessness, but I did find one. Namely, recognizing! in a completely cold and pragmatic way that when it came to self assessment my own judgement was simply biased, that I would always be my own worst crytic, and realizing therefore that I shouldn't let myself be influenced by such judgements even if I still made them. Thus, while I! thought what i wrote in my doctoral thesis was a load of crap, my tuter did not. My tuter is someone I very much respect, I know! that when it comes to academic work I couldn't ask for a better judge. therefore, who's opinion do I trust, mine, which i know to be biased, or that of my tuter.

Of course, applying this is not actually easy, even after five years of recovery and I have had my share of relapses, however in finding an answer that works at least for me, I could come to terms with something that was previously a major! problem.

So, it is possible to actually recover from those sorts of things, albeit it will always be there and takes a lot of work and struggle. Whether my answer works for your husband I don't know, however the fact that I could find! an answer which has lead me to some measure of acceptance I hope is some way to being helpfull.


#425565 - 02/17/13 05:52 PM Re: the lonely [Re: HD001]
cdlphn Offline

Registered: 01/27/13
Posts: 9
I wanted to offer some support, especially form my strength, experience, and hope in this area. As well as having experienced csa, I am a friend and support person to several men who have experienced csa and some of these men struggle a great deal due to theiir history of csa. One of the things that has helped me the most is to focus on making sure I am taking care of myself and as a result of doing this I feel less isolated and lonely. In part, some of this is related to establishing more genuine connection with myself as well as trusted others. This also helps me to be there to unconditionally support the men who are struggling to a greater extent at thsi time with their csa issues. Hopefully, your H can make good connection with other csa recovery men if he has not already done so and then he will not be fighting a war by himself and he will be hopefully more likely over time to accept support from you in this area.


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