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#425120 - 02/13/13 02:55 AM Hi
Drummer Offline

Registered: 02/02/13
Posts: 15
Loc: Florida

I'm certain that will be the easiest word I write tonight.

I'm new here and am amazed that I had the strength and courage to actually sign up. REALLY amazed! I'm so frightened, I can't even describe! I'm not really clear on why I'm so scared and shaking, but I am. My wife, mother, sister and therapist are the only people beyond the perpetrator that know of what happened to the insecure, vulnerable 13-ish year old boy a bit less than 40 years ago. I'm taking this step now because I know I must get this hell out of me before it kills me. I've been in therapy since a year ago last November and there's so much of me that's still internalizing and running like hell as far away from this as I can get. From what? I'm not sure.

I'm 51, married with two teenage boys. I have lived the past ~38 years pretty much in a 'going through the motions' state and not really living life at all. My marriage is suffering, my relationship with my sons is far from what it could be and, as I look back on who I've been, it's an unfeeling blur, splattered with alcohol and anything else that would help me keep up my wall. The hardest thing I've tried to get straight in my head is the bit about me being the victim. I know all the truth about that, but it has still been tough. But, anytime I look at a picture of me as a teen or think of the innocence I had that was ripped away from me, I can firmly see that I was the victim.


I have no idea what I want to say but I can tell you this is one hell of a hurdle I'm leaping here.

I'm so angry, yet thankful, that there are more out there like me. For all of my adult life, I've been alone in the midst of crowds. I can't seem to express the love that I have for my wife and sons. I've always provided for them and took care of their needs ... but not so much in the 'showing it' area.I look at them, hug them, talk with them and I know that I love them, at least to the best of my understanding of what love is; what I wouldn't give to be able to give, and receive, the gift of expressing love that so many seem to have. I have great difficulty touching others, getting close. I feel almost soulless most of the time. I can have friendships with coworkers but I can't seem to really care about them yet I allow myself to be hurt, badly, if I'm rejected by them, whether that rejection is real or imagined.

I used to wonder why I loved Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' SO much as a young adult ... "Tear down the wall!"

I'm sorry if this is all disjointed, I'm writing as fast as I can and trying to grab the thoughts that hit and get them typed before they blow away in the breeze, or worse, I freak and chicken out. I do that last one a lot, it seems.

I promised myself I'd stop when I ran out of steam instead of trying to force this any further. I've read a good number of posts here and it feels like this is a safe and comforting environment ... how strange that that scares me ... thank you all for listening.
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
Tear down the wall!
"The Trial" from Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

#425124 - 02/13/13 04:12 AM Re: Hii [Re: Drummer]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Welcome, Drummer.

your own feelings are telling you what a courageous step you have just taken. i know it is scary - i have been there. but you did it. and now you are among friends who understand. you are no longer alone.

i can relate to nearly every detail of what you shared. there are variations - but all of our stories here are remarably similar in the devastating after-effects. for me it started at 5 1/2 and mostly ended by 13. but the repercussions have lasted for decades.

take your time and go at your own pace. don't over-load yourself or you will burn out. share what you can when you can and don't hesitate to ask questions - or feel free to just read and reflect. i'm sure you will find the same support, encouragement and understanding that i have.

hope to hear more from you,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#425194 - 02/13/13 07:51 PM Re: Hii [Re: Drummer]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome Drummer!

You are among men who can relate to what you have been through, and support you through this process of recovery. You taken some brave steps in disclosing to your family and therapist.

You were 13, so was I.
You kept it buried for 38 years, I did for 42.
You used alcohol and other things to numb yourself, so did I.
You have difficulty with relationships, so do I.
You've isolated yourself, so have I.
Your marraige is on shaky ground, so is mine.
You finally started working on it in November, I started in July.
You will learn to live with what happened, and live a life as a whole healthy man, so will I.

Don't give up!
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#425200 - 02/13/13 08:57 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
Dolphinboy Offline

Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 62
Hi Drummer
Welcome here and thank you for sharing. You say so much of what so many of us here feel, it is not always easy to put your feelings into words, you did a good job of this my friend!
"...and anything else that would help me keep up my wall." I hope that one day you will stand on the ruins of that wall with your fists victoriously in the air.
Well done on taking the first big steps.
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

#425560 - 02/17/13 04:15 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
Drummer Offline

Registered: 02/02/13
Posts: 15
Loc: Florida
Until now I haven't replied to all of your replies to my introduction, but I can assure you all that I have read and re-read all of your replies to me every day; most days, several times.

Each day, I'd feel like I should reply to all of you both because it's common courtesy and because your words, all of your words, were so meaningful, assuring and comforting to me and I really needed to say, "thank you!".

Each day, I would tell myself, "It's OK if I don't reply today. It's OK if I'm too exhausted from the emotions I endured and, to some degree, dumped as I wrote my introduction. It's OK if i'm just not able to reply yet". This is a new, and very welcome concept to me as I'm not very good at all at taking care of myself; I fear I'm not alone in this area either. All of your encouraging words were a big part in 'allowing' me to care more about ME in this regard, Thank you all!

This step was a huge struggle up to and including me writing my introduction. I slept 11+ hours that night. It was followed by great fatigue the first day or so afterward. I would have to, for lack of deeper understanding of all of this, describe my experience as a release, I mini-rebirth of sorts, a return to the 'now', an awakening. I look at my wife and sons with a new perspective. Please understand, I'm not trying to suggest that all was healed that night, but rather that it has allowed me to make a significant step toward recovery!

It's like a few bricks shook loose from my wall that night. I can't describe, and probably don't have to, just how wonderful that cool, sweet breeze coming in from that newly created hole in my wall feels!!

Thank you all and the rest of the 11,000+ members of this site! I may have done the work but all of you have accepted me as I am and that has far more value than I ever really knew.
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
Tear down the wall!
"The Trial" from Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

#425606 - 02/17/13 10:08 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
you sound so much like I did when I came here drummer. It doesn't get better overnight but it does get better. I really hope you can find your place here as well. I know it is soooo frightening but you will find safety and a community with guys who really do understand.
heal well buddy
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#426248 - 02/23/13 04:59 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
thedudeabides Offline

Registered: 10/10/12
Posts: 39
Loc: Augusta, Georgia
Hi Drummer,

Welcome to MS. It's a tough first step to be here and come to grips with our common denominator but it gets a little easier (at least for me) each time I'm here. So much of your introduction rang true to me also. I was scared to death when I registered in October of 2012 and even used a different email address and name but have since changed those because I have come to terms (somewhat) about my own abuse and I'm not as fearful about others knowing. I only told my wife back in October what happened to me as an 8-9 year old kid.
I'm taking this step now because I know I must get this hell out of me before it kills me.

I'll be 50 in a few weeks and have kept this all internalized for 40+ years as well. It has been such a relief to get these things off my chest.
For all of my adult life, I've been alone in the midst of crowds.

Same here. I feel that I never fit in anywhere I go especially with a group of men. I've never been "one of the guys". It sounds like you did what I did--escaped into music. I've played guitar for about 35 years (though not much in the last several) and love music. As you'll see from my signature I LOVE Floyd. I too identified with The Wall LP and wonder if Roger Waters was abused in some way as a child. I know he lost his father in WWII and the emotions connected to that show in his song writing but from a survivors perspective there seems to be something more involved. What do you think?

All that just to say welcome, sorry. There are so many great guys on here and all are willing to help as best they can whether that is answering questions (and there are NO stupid questions here) or just "listening". I see my good friend Dolphinboy said hello. He has been a great help and comfort to me since coming here. Hey DB!

Read, write and ask. It really can (and has for me) get better.

Dude cool
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
and you know it don't come easy.
Ringo Starr

They flutter behind you, your possible pasts;
Some bright-eyed and crazy, some frightened and lost...
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags.
Roger Waters

#426255 - 02/23/13 09:01 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Hey Drummer,,
Welcome to MS. I've been reading your posts. I sympathize greatly with your story. It took a lot of courage on your part to write this. I know that your words could be my words. The same holds true for so many people here. I just want you to know that at the same time you're seeking answers, you're helping others in their healing. By reading your story, I'm understanding mine a lot better, and its helping me with the pain. Thank you and I wish you well.


#426284 - 02/24/13 06:51 AM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I hope you stick around. There's a lot for you here. There really is!

#426332 - 02/24/13 10:52 PM Re: Hi [Re: Drummer]
weharry1959 Offline

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Drummer - I am sorry that you too have this burden to share. I am glad that we both have a site like this where we can find that we're not alone.
As I read your introduction my heart felt pangs of hurt and deep understanding. Yeah, it's hard as hell to wrap your mind around being the victim, but you were! You being here will take on different meanings and feelings as you progress through every ounce of your soul you travel through.
I was 50 when my body started to rebell with all the burying of memories and trigger that happen. The years of just going through the motion, doing what was right, but realizing at the same time, something was not right.
You'll probably go through a period of "understanding" things you've done or what you did this or that. You'll also may find yourself at a point of, what I've termed, "near depravation" in when the healing starts and you are progressing, you'll look back and see how far down the rabbit hole you were and how far you still have to go before you feel safe and in control (in a healthy manner). Answers to those situations will come in their own time and when you are ready to deal with them.
You also need to admit that part of the journey, along with being the victim, is that you are surviving, albeit, not the way you envisioned, but you did survive. And, your journey, it's not the past that will determine your future, but what will do and are doing, that will determine your future.
Like you, I am married, and have two young adult children. My wife, who is an incredible woman, could speak volumns about our strained marriage and how she was able to help me, sometimes only in praying, make it through until tomorrow. My son and daugther both know of my past abuse and surviving. It was kinda hard to admit it to them when there was no explanation to the physical manifestations than the abuse. They loved me, just the same, as I am sure your boys when they find out, they will love you just the same. They will feel a sense of hypervigilance in making you feel you can be the dad, the way you want to be (they probably already think that you are already).
You wrote that you're gonna go as far as you can go and then stop. I hope that you understand, that it's certainly okay and normal that you never will lose the steam and sometimes the best you can do is to take the breaks when needed. Oh, it's also important that it's okay for you to say that the best you can do is forgive just for today! triggers "will" happen, especially as you become "aware" and you'll feel like one step forward and so many steps back. That's okay! Talk to your counselor, if you don't have one, get one! one that has experience in helping you with what your feeling. As a husband, I've found it helpful to let my wife, know what I'm dealing with. In the past, she's felt helpless, but talking to her as helped me and has helped her feel that she's be part of the solution.
You are a blessed man and I wish you the best. I've written this, I guess, as an older man offering kindly advice to a younger man who sounds like they've walked a very similar path.
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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