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#423504 - 01/29/13 03:08 AM do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again
remaininghopeful Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 23
My husband is leaving me and our baby. He says to get space and work on himself and hopefully get back together when he has his stuff more together. I understand that he is running and avoiding. But I didn't think our separation meant other women and I can't handle the lies. He's not really actively in therapy, but I hope he will get serious help soon.
Sometimes I believe him and realize this isn't about us, and other times I'm just so angry at the correspondence with other women I found in his emails and all of the lies. So many lies.
Do the lies go away with recovery? Could I even fathom trusting him again?
I've started going to al anon and reading Codependency No More and I'm desperately trying to focus on myself and my 1 year old and not my husband's spiraling and drinking and who knows what.
I had hope, hence my user name here. But that was when I didn't know or was in denial about the other women.
Have others come through the other side and eventually rebuilt trust and their marriage?
I'm trying to detach from his crazy behavior and how hurtful it is, but I really wonder if I should divorce. I don't want lies.
Even if he thinks that because we are "separated" he can do what he wants, it's not okay. Not at all. Not respectful. Not something I can easily get past.
I can't even think about our marriage until he gets some sort of healing, which i don't know will ever happen.
Is there any reason why I should remain hopeful?

#423601 - 01/29/13 06:33 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Hi RH,

A couple of the ladies here have shared their experience with having a formal separation agreement drafted. It usually spells out in specific terms, residence, child support and yes, dating (usually prohibited if reconciliation is a possibility at the time of separation). Now as to whether or not the lies stop, I don't know. I sure hope so. They are as debilitating and destabilizing as the infidelity itself. My husband told me this week that ending the lying is the hardest part for him (was that a lie? sorry, can't resist that inappropriate joke).

Therapy is the first step. An unwillingness to work on getting better is a dead end. Best wishes.
Wife of a survivor

#423722 - 01/30/13 02:06 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
In my experience the lies do go away with recovery.....the funny thing about that is that is on HIS part.

I'm still less likely to be completely honest like I used to be. I don't know why that is. Part of me is still going "Pffft - why do i have to be on the up and up all the time, when i was, he wasn't." I'm working on that.

We were separated for a year. It worked out OK.

#424020 - 02/01/13 11:32 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Lying goes away when they start being honest with THEMSELVES. It has to start there.

#424101 - 02/03/13 01:59 AM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
That is right, esposa, until they are honest with themselves (which apparently is very, very difficult)it would be impossible for them to be truthful with anyone.

I don't know your husband but he sounds like he may have other problems than being a survivor. Maybe sex addiction? Seems to be a real common theme around here.

Other women? Women? Maybe you could look into some support for you during this trying time. COSA or S'anon.

#424542 - 02/07/13 01:33 AM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
LoveMyMan Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 5
I read something interesting the other day that made a lot of sense to me because I have caught my husband lying about very simple or unimportant things (and big things) our whole relationship, but it was in this weird way where I honestly felt he wasn't *trying* to lie to me, it just happened? I know that sounds weird...but anyway the thing I read said that when a person was sexually abuse as a child that they had to build their entire existence around lies: they had to lie about what was happening, lie to everyone (parents, family, best friends, etc.) to keep themselves or other people safe. Lying about their lives is necessary in a way. Being honest is dangerous.

I'm not exactly sure what to DO with this info. It helps explain a lot of my H's actions, but I think it helps to realize that the safer they feel that being honest isn't going to have negative consequences, the more likely they are to be honest. I hope that makes sense? As completely difficult and impossible as it might sound, I *think* that being able to take anything he says with calmness and without getting angry could help reverse the cycle.

#425005 - 02/12/13 02:26 AM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 23
Thanks for all of your replies. I've started going to Al Anon and hope I can get the tools to detach there... He wasn't just sleeping with other women but actually having relationships with them, too. At least three that I've confronted and gotten the truth from. I'm not proud of contacting these women and know it's total codependence craziness, though I don't blame myself for getting nuts over the cheating and the lies.
Have any of you gotten past the infidelity once the healing starts?
He knows that if he wants to attempt to salvage our relationship, he needs to go to therapy regularly and eventually we'll need marriage counseling. It's just so raw for me right now and I also really don't believe a word he says.
It's hard to have hope when you don't trust anything your husband says or promises.
Any good stories? Advice?

#425022 - 02/12/13 05:25 AM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
This was/is a big issue for us. Actually the reason I asked him to leave. I can't live with the lies big or small. It all goes back to the cheating. Each time he would lie I would feel so hopeless. I gave him fair warning and gave him many chances. We have three children and I wanted to keep our family together, but the final time I decided it was no longer his fault that I felt like this, it was my fault for staying. Taking control of my life. I wasn't going to be the best mom for children if I was stressed and scared waiting for the shoe to drop. He has made many positive changes since leaving, he got serious help for his drinking. He had previously denied having a problem. It was a big win for our family. I struggle but feel safe. He continues to go to therapy. We have a contract for a controlled separation. It's a safe guard and set boundaries for our time apart. It was recommended if we stay together or not. There is a book if you are interested. Good luck, I know how difficult this must be.

#425064 - 02/12/13 07:15 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: Gretta]
remaininghopeful Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 23
Gretta, Can you let me know what the book is and what is in the contract for a controlled separation? Even with a contract, do you believe that he sticks to that? Was it legally drawn up?
The past few months have been so awful. Our baby just turned one and I'm also the breadwinner of the family and I never thought he'd cheat on me.

#425067 - 02/12/13 07:50 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
northernflicker Offline

Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 88
RH, I'm with you in spirit.

My husband and I have been separated with a formal agreement in place for almost 18 months. I caught him cheating and then lying that it was over so i told him to leave. I found out about his CSA about 7 months ago. It was that point when EVERYTHING made sense. I now think this was a "death by cop" situation. We don't have a child so it's easier in ways but it also cut out contact completely.

He finally appears to be really dealing with his past and has been in touch more in the past month or so since I told him I've given up and want a divorce so I can move on with my life. Certain conditions appear to have meant the real and absolute rock bottom for him.

The divorce is on hold while he gets to a healthy place, and i could go either way (divorce or reconciliation) at this point. So really i don't know what the future holds.

My advice to you is to protect yourself and your child financially through a separation agreement and focus on being the best you that you can be, for yourself and your child. Nothing you say or do will expedite his can only happen when and as he is ready. As for the lying...I don't know if it will stop or not. At this point I think my husband still lies and gets his back up when challenged on it. I think it's a mechanism for isolating himself and thereby feeling safe. But again who knows what the future holds.

All the best, and feel free to PM me if you need to.

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