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#424987 - 02/11/13 09:55 PM Just lookig for myself
A74 Offline

Registered: 09/11/12
Posts: 4
Loc: South East Ohio
I have been looking a lot at the stories and posts on this site and I wish that I could say I that didnít understand most of what is written here but the truth is itís like a page from my own life itís so similar it scares me a lot of the times. It has taken me a long time to wright anything but my story witch I just keep kicking myself for writing I am just so embarrassed about what happened to me as a child. I just never wanted to admit to any of this to anyone but some things need to be said in the light of day and this one of them. Let me just say that I am transgender and bi sexual what a combo and I wonder if I was made it to the person that I am today or was I born into it this I really donít know at this point but I donít know if it makes much of a difference any more. I know that my therapist wondered the same thing about me for about six months until he said I was born this way. Any advice would be welcome I am willing to lesion to both side of this just seeking the truth in this life no matter where it leads me. I just keep remerging the saying the truth will set you free. I hope that I am not to over the top with what I just said!

#424993 - 02/11/13 10:53 PM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: A74]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi A74, please don't be embarrassed about what happened to you.
You are not alone and you are not responsible in any way.
I'm glad that you were so brave to share your most intimate issues with us here.
I'll admit that I'm confused and looking how to help self but yet nothing came.
Keep sharing further, I'm sure some answers would pop up out of nowhere wink

My story

#424996 - 02/11/13 11:45 PM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: A74]
SmartShadow Offline

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 447
Hay A7, thanks for being so honest and real.

Originally Posted By: A74
Let me just say that I am transgender and bi sexual what a combo

Well I deal with both of these as well and I have come to the conclusion that I was not born this way. I have been able to go back and remember circumstances and direct decision that I made. Choices so to speak. But no real chose about it. I hated men and was not going to be like them. I beleaved that the female failed there roll to recieve the male needs and there anger was turned on me because of this. I believed that I could do the female role better. This was a fully developed thought by age 5. and suportive traumatic memories towards this as early as 2. I later I found out that my mother desperately wanted a girl and my gender was a disappointment to her. She in some ways rased me like I was a girl. Encouraging the feminine and the sensual.

Through understanding and reconnecting with my self as male. I have released the gender rejection and wanting to be female, and now love being male. I think by the time my sexual circuits were turning on, years ago I was well off track. Through some same sex stuff at 9 and raped/molested at 14, I have a hard time believing I was pre wired this way. Too many connections suggesting that it happened for me in development a long the way. I have the reality of same sex desires, and this may well continue to drift in to the back ground as I continue to work on the csa trauma dynamics. They are mostly stress triggered for me at this point.

Why does it matter? I think for me the longings, desires and passion were so pervasive that I could not do nothing. I had to come to terms with is this who I realy am. Turns out its not who I was created to be. Lots of pain and confusion I know, but honor your self and love you self. If I came to the conclusion that this is who I am and who I want to be I would have loved and honored my self. This is the key! Any thing that is humiliating or self betraying is not love.

We live in a world that is often hostile to homosexuality in any form for any reason. Or one that demands that we label our self and not deviate. But I think we are becoming more informed and in time we will see that homosexuality comes in many forms for many reasons and that some homosexuality may be because of damage in one form or another that can be healed if desired and other forms are a presence of personhood that should be honored.

I can say that at times I did not know who I was. I allowed my self to feel in full what was comming to the sreface in my mind and hart. I spent a lot of time thinking about the reality of a sex change operation, I thought it could be a solution to my dilemma. For me the questions why do I feel this way or why do I long for this helped me began a search for answers. Even after I found an answer or two the fealing persisted. As more and more of the puzzle came togeather I was able to work through a second set of fealing and that's when a lot of this faded away. This second set of feelings were about the fear I had of men starting at a young age. Learning that wasn't all men all the time and forgiving them for what they did to me and others. I abandon my male gender because of the unacceptable idea of being like them. So I realized that I was wrong in my rejection of the male nature in totality. That it was selfishness and evil that I needed to reject instead. I came to understand that I had wronged myself by my young reaction and needed to learn to love my self. Learn to love the male body that I was in and forgive my self for rejecting this part of me. I am still walking this out in some ways, but for me, I am recovering what was taken. I was in some ways my own perp, in that I have taken much from my self in the name of survival and my self right. And I am sorry for that.

Hope you find the truth you are seeking!

Edited by SmartShadow (02/17/13 12:55 AM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

#426510 - 02/26/13 05:12 AM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: A74]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
A74 it has been awhile, what have you been able to discover about your desire to live your life? Embarrassment and personal boundary issues are chronic in a survivor's life, it is a struggle that has deep pain and agony.

I look forward to your thoughts on this after your reading and this great experience shared with you. If you are still searching, such is the nature of surviving and recovery, but let us know, okay?

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#426968 - 03/02/13 11:55 PM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: A74]
A74 Offline

Registered: 09/11/12
Posts: 4
Loc: South East Ohio
I guess to tell the truth I donít know where I am any more I just feel like I am female and not male. I have been told by two different therapists that I was born this way and I have to agree with them. I have tried my best to be a man but I just canít feel that way in my heart no matter how hard I try and it has been many years that I have felt this way so many years. I donít even know if I feet into this web site anymore but there is not any other web sites for survivors like me out there that I know of. I have been on hormones for a short time now I am just trying to find my place in this life.

#426995 - 03/03/13 10:39 AM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: A74]
Micksup Offline

Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 5

#427018 - 03/03/13 08:32 PM Re: Just lookig for myself [Re: Micksup]
A74 Offline

Registered: 09/11/12
Posts: 4
Loc: South East Ohio


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