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#424880 - 02/11/13 02:03 AM Question from a supportive girlfriend
Leb Offline

Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 2
Hello all,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost one year, and he disclosed to me 6 months ago that he was the victim of rape at age 14. We are very open and honest with each other and he told me that sometimes he watches and enjoys gay porn, but then feels ashamed about it. We have a very active, healthy sex life and I have no doubt that he is physically attracted to me... That being said, I am concerned that he may have some latent homosexuality, or is bi-curious. When I have asked, he says he would never have sex with a man.

I can not be in a relationship that is not monogomous, but I don't want him to resent me or be unhappy for not acting on any SSA if that is what he needs to do. I love him and want to support him. How can I talk to him about what he really wants and let him know its "okay" to leave me and be with a man if that is what he truly wants?

#424951 - 02/11/13 03:46 PM Re: Question from a supportive girlfriend [Re: Leb]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hi Leb, welcome to MaleSurvivor, although this situation is difficult, you are in the right place. Thank you for your patience and understanding in working with your survivor, the personal boundaries you have to keep yourself safe and content seem positive, well done!

Survivors struggle with SSA, Same Sex Attraction, also with OSA, Opposite Sex Attraction. This indecision is often due to the abuse, not just in the gender of the abusers, but also the damage to the boundaries of appropriate sexual behavior. Survivors are overwhelmed sexually, some before they have developed the personality to manage that very powerful reaction in their bodies. Suddenly every part of their lives is sexualized and there are no boundaries. Men, women, objects may be the focus of sexual attention as this powerful craving courses through a survivor like hunger to an animal will force it to unnecessary and sometimes life endangering risks, so to is the power of sexual abuse control.

Survivors cling to and can be dependent on their mates, fiercely loyal within a monogamous relationship, but when the abuse demands to be satiated, those thoughts and feelings push the survivor to action. If the thoughts do not agree, the abuse control can in extreme situations turn off the cognitive functions of the mind, creating an alternative personality that will fulfill the urges. Your survivor will have to explore these with a qualified therapist to understand where he is in this process, or what process he is experiencing.

Please do what you need to to be safe and content during this issue, come to an accurate knowledge and make affirming decisions for your health and safety.

My best to you,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#427173 - 03/05/13 10:11 AM Re: Question from a supportive girlfriend [Re: Leb]
confusion4life Offline

Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
hi leb,

in many ways you are very lucky that he is so honest to you. that also shows he doenst want to act out on his issues which the rape caused. he wants you to be there for him and help him to find the real him - who he would have been without the abuse.

just read thru this site, read a lot of things, books....and also make your boyfriend read things, talk with him and make sure he can always be honest to you. if you get that right, you will help him heal and the feelings he has right now dont have to stay the same.

he told you all this because he did NOT want to act out, because he did NOT want to cheat you in any way. for you these things might hurt you at first, but when you understand better, they wont. it has nothing to do with you, its just part of the parcel the abuse caused him to have and he needs to recover.

dont forget you also exist smile

everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end


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