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#424167 - 02/03/13 08:33 PM Purposeful Lateness
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Looking for some advice. But maybe there isn't any and I just have to deal with this. Every time there is some place to be at a certain time, my H always makes us late. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose. This pisses our friends and family off (and me). Sometimes I tell him things start at an earlier time than they actually are just so that we are on time! But I don't want to have to do that. Also, if he is making us soooo late, I often just leave without him because I feel like I shouldn't let him ruin my good time. He used to be on time for everything before the CSA memories started. So I know he is able. But what causes this? Is he doing it on purpose? Is there anything I can do? Thanks for any advice.

#424168 - 02/03/13 08:41 PM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
Could be he is trying to assert some control over his environment during a time when he's feeling loss of control. He may be re-living intense feelings of powerlessness, loss of control, from the past, and even the process of the memories surfacing is something the survivor has no control over. On some level he may be thinking "I'll get there on my own timetable and nobody else's." Likely its subconscious.
Sounds like you're coping with it as best as you're able.

#424169 - 02/03/13 08:56 PM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Thanks--I just hate having to decide to go places without him because I know he WANTS to be there. I wish there was something I could say that would kickstart him into gear so that we could get out the door.

Doesn't he know that the lateness affects me?

#424177 - 02/03/13 11:42 PM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
sentry Offline

Registered: 08/12/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Hi Rachel
I am glad you posted this situation with your H.I did and sometimes still do this.I used to do it all the time. It did not matter were we were going. church,school meetings it didn't matter.Any social meeting or function we were late because of me.
To answer you question.No it was never my intention to be late for any of those functions.What would happen as the time came to leave I would get extremely nervous and fear would grip my stomach. I still do not no why so I am sorry but I can't give you a clinical explanation for this kind of avoidance behavior.
But let me just say that the fear and nervousness was very real for me. I usually couldn't speak while we were driving to some function and I was already planing my escape route or plan if I needed to run. The fear is lagitamite.It is not some kind of game just to frustrate you. Hope this helps.I have recieved some cognative behavior councelling that has helped quite a bit.It has also helped me with panic attacks in crowds.
Hang on and try to not let it offend you personally which I know can be difficult.

#424184 - 02/04/13 01:04 AM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
hey rachel
I can tell you I do not like to be early to anything. and even being right on time seems scary to me it is a real opportunity for some personal interaction and it feels like I am not in control. it is easier to avoid all the idle chit chat at the beginning then I can always run off to the bathroom or something at the end to hide out. at church I just stay sooo busy so there is not much time to interact. I would like to say it is not on purpose but I know that it is. it keeps me safely tucked away from the action and isolated.
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#424190 - 02/04/13 03:16 AM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
RachelMac Offline

Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
While at a family party for the Super Bowl, I texted him asking him what happened and he told me he was "afraid of things." Then he asked me if he does come, will everyone look at him weird. So that is in line with what you were saying.

He always goes to the bathroom at the end of an event when everyone is saying goodbye. I never thought anything of it before.

What is interesting is that he was doing awesome for about 2 and a half weeks. He had been seeing his therapist and would tell me about everything they discussed, how she helped him so much etc. He goes once per week, and by the time the week is coming to an end, his mood is worse. Then he goes to the therapist and he seems better again. This past week he missed his appointment because I couldn't get home from work in time to watch our son. Maybe when he goes this week it will get him back on stable ground.

Thanks for your input. As a spouse, just understanding why these things happen is so helpful to me so that I can gear my attitude and help toward him appropriately. I'm more apt to not be so angry if I can understand.

#424197 - 02/04/13 04:58 AM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
He is one of two things, afraid of people he may meet or uncomfortable around people. So he is doing this so that he can avoid going to these places. I say this because I used to have the same thoughts. It is a process that needs to be worked through.
Good luck, it is more his problem than yours.
Please be careful to not give in to him and leave him home because this will allow both of you to create separate lives and that will lead to the death of your marriage.

Good luck.

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#424237 - 02/04/13 03:38 PM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Your post is very interesting and revealing to my family background as well. I am now raising two four year olds. I am separated from their mother, but we still do a lot together, spending time in her home and going to dinner twice a week.

What's interesting is I'm having memories of growing up with my parents having difficulty on issues like this. My father worked in entertainment. There was no room for lateness. My mother stayed home and took us to activities but had a tendency to be late. I'm beginning to realize how this created major trust issues between my parents, who eventually divorced.

Now that I am parenting, I feel the strong feelings when we don't get somewhere together on time easily. During those moments, I'm reminded of how my mother was probably trying to stay in control, while my father remained distant and self-involved. Since I started working on my sexual history and that of my family, it has emerged that my mother had one sexual abuse incident with a brother of hers growing up. I think this led to some deeper anxiety and need to control situations with men perhaps. (This anxiety was given over to me in more ways than one.)

My kid's mom and I both have damaging sexual histories and when the anxieties come up, it's hard to know where to turn. I know this might sound strange, but early on in our relationship, before we had kids, I came up with a distinction between
"leaving" and "going". "Leaving" is getting stuff together and "going" is actually physically leaving to go somewhere. This distinction has helped me feel less anxious and given me something to communicate to others around me. It's also a kind of fun way to discuss what's going on with everyone involved.

One more thing. When you have had an unacknowledged sexual history that is damaging in the family, you tend to blame yourself. I think this perception that you yourself are the problem is what exacerbates small tensions in those moments when you are relied on for something, such as when you have to be somewhere on time. It's like that becomes the moment when you want to scream, "I am not the only problem here!".

You might suggest to him that if that is what is going on, it is a good moment to try deep breathing. It helps you get back to the present.

Hope you can find more stable ground together.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#424289 - 02/04/13 11:20 PM Re: Purposeful Lateness [Re: RachelMac]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i always have to be on time. my wife tends to not mind being late. that drives me crazy. i will skip an entire event rather than walk in 10 minutes late and have everyone looking at me. for her -it's like the fun doesn't start until she arrives. for me - i need to be lost in the crowd and not stand out. i'm the survivor, in case you couldn't tell.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3


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