It's been a while since I've come back to this forum. I initially signed up a week after my oldest son was arrested. It's been a whirlwind of a nightmare since that day, but honestly for the years before that too. I was so grateful to find this forum because as I'm sure many of you are aware, there just aren't many resources out there for parents of male survivors, much less parents of siblings.
Let me start over. I am the mother of two boys, ages 15 and 9 (the oldest is my step-son, but hasn't seen his bio mom in almost 10 years--so I'm mom).
For the past 2 years we've been trying to get the oldest help for porn addiction. The lies, the deception, the hurt, anger and betrayal were very triggering for me over the past two years because it also included exploiting private photos I had taken solely to share with my husband. My son and I would argue constantly. Each day I felt suffocated being in the same house with him, caring for him, trying to guide him...all the while he kept sneaking into my bedroom, hacking my computer, stealing anything that was mine, including clothing. Add to this his issues with ADD and possibly Asperger's and we were constantly at wit's end.
Meanwhile my youngest had been suffering from crippling anxiety . He was scared of everything and needed constant reassurance. We had figured it came from a neighbor once threatening my life in front of him, but the fear, the panic and worse, the self-loathing were far deeper than that.
Both boys had been seeing counselors. The first counselor we went to for the oldest told us basically we were imposing too many boundaries on him (!!). On the suggestion of a friend of the family who works with sex offenders, we moved him to a practice with therapists who had experience with porn addiction, sexual assault and childhood trauma.
The therapist was no-holds-barred with the oldest and held his feet to the fire about the lying and deceit. She was trying EMDR with him and felt that there was possibly some traumatic sexual abuse in his history that he was avoiding. Meanwhile, the other therapist was getting blocked by my youngest who didn't want to discuss why, at the age of 6/7, he kept saying he wanted to die.
Oh god, this is getting long.
In June of 2012 we learned that the oldest recalled a memory of SA with bio mom. He refused to discuss it in any detail with us. The memory wasn't strong enough to charge her with anything...and frankly, she changes her name so often it's hard to track her down at all.
In July 2012, a few days before I was to take the state bar exam, my mom caught the oldest molesting the youngest. She called my husband who called the therapist, knowing that the therapist is a required reporter. We moved the oldest out of the house that night. The police interviewed the youngest the next morning and found that oldest had been abusing him for over 2 years. Both of them hid it so well
Oldest was arrested later that day while I accompanied youngest to the hospital to collect physical evidence.
I'm here because I'm mother to two survivors. The oldest never discussed his abuse, never wanted to look at his own trauma and find healing and rejected any real attempts to connect emotionally with other people. He, in many ways, is still in denial about his early childhood or the impact that had on him...but fortunately not in denial about the impact that his choices have had on our family and especially on our youngest. He is in therapy but I know it's going to be a very long time before he finds wholeness and we can find healing. He was given 2 years probation after passing his sexual history polygraph and we participate in safety team meeting with social worker, probation officer, therapist and my in-laws (who he now lives with).
Meanwhile, we continue with therapy for my youngest who isn't nearly as panicked or hurt and I think is finally starting to gain some sense of control and inner power over his life. My own status as a survivor, not just of SA that happened in college, but also of the exploitation from my oldest, has helped my youngest find a voice in all of this, an ally.
But I'm mother to both survivor and offender. And it tears me apart each and every day. I struggle with my own issues as well, my own PTSD that my oldest triggered for over two years. I visit my oldest every two weeks; my husband visits more frequently. It's put so much pressure on our family. While the goal of the court and therapy is reunification and clarification, I don't want that process rushed at all. We're looking into moving out of this house to give our youngest (and us) a chance to start over and build a family focused on healing.
I'm so sorry this was so long. This was just supposed to be an introduction. But I also felt it was important to voice a little more of our story. Thank you all for participating on this forum, giving people a chance to connect about our boys and men who have survived sexual abuse and to support those who love them. I am so very grateful