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#425121 - 02/13/13 03:02 AM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Ok it has been 2+years since dday. It's been a long road. My husband was a sick man doing sick things and our world fell apart. He fell apart, my strong beautiful husband was reduced to a sobbing shaking drunk child. We were in survival mode. I was trying to keep it from my children, keep him alive. My head has totally gripped it, my heart is broken. His infidelity was with prostitutes, no great affair. Many hours and dollars spent in therapy for us, him and me. He has "said" he wants us. I believe he has been faithful since dday but what the hell do I know. It took me along time to come to this decision. I tried not to move in any one direction quickly. When I asked him to move out I knew it might be for good. I really can't care about what he does. He is not allowed to date and he has left our house kicking and screaming. He didn't want to leave. Our contract is not legal and only you can be the best judge on what you need to protect yourself. I will get the book name for you. We have agreed to not get lawyers involved for the length of the contract.

#425172 - 02/13/13 05:33 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
the book is Should I Stay or Go? by Lee Raffel

#426964 - 03/02/13 11:03 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
deerhntr Offline

Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9
My partner is still relatively fresh in his confronting/healing process. The only reason I think he told me about his CSA is because I caught him repeatedly on craig's list personals and online porn. (Which he initially denied with ridiculous, transparent lies.)

As a CSA survivor myself, I understood it as a vice stemming from his abuse. With a history like that, it's easy to confuse sex/love. After months of love and support from me, it happened again. More lies. Then I found out he had cheated and lied about that. I moved out, though we continued to try to work through things. After a year of work and soul-searching, I came to the point where I could trust him again.

Then I just found out he has relapsed and lied again. (We're now at almost 2 years from the original craig's list/porn discovery.) At least this time he admitted his lies quickly. And he's back on track seeking T, help on this website, etc.

All that is to say that I'm asking myself the same questions you are. When do the lies stop? When do we stop being understanding and supportive and start being enablers?

I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I need to keep checking up on someone. I want to be able to assume honesty and fidelity. I thought we where there again and then WHAM! Another lie.

I think I'm just commiserating, not helping.

#427080 - 03/04/13 02:17 PM Re: do the lies go away w recovery? how to trust again [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 23
Thank you, deerhntr. Those are my exact questions - am I being supportive or being an enabler or being a chump who is being manipulated because I do believe deep down that he doesn't want to lose me?

Thank you, everyone. When I first came to this website, I was terrified by all of the stories about infidelity. I knew it was coming and I've read a lot about CSA and understand where it's coming from. But it's not okay and he's not going to stop until he gets into therapy and I can't force him to do that.

Gretta, I read Should I Stay or Should I Go? last night and love the idea of a separation contract, but his behavior is still so erratic that I don't know if he can even stick to it. And I'm sure he'll agree to the "no dating" on paper but I don't believe it. So what does a contract even do if you can't trust that someone will hold up his end of the contract? Does getting it on paper and making things clear help make it more real? Will it give me the strength to set boundaries and stick to them?

I don't know if it's a sad or a beautiful thing that I still have hope that things will get better.

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