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#423471 - 01/28/13 02:50 PM Hate coming here.
IBB Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 12
I read to much recovery crap. I hate reading because invariably in reminds me of all the stuff I don't have that everyone says you should have.

Like support... and groups.

I don't have either and it makes me feel like I don't matter....

Then come here and it just does more of the same, and so by the time I'm done I cover over all that with anger because all of it really does just piss me the hell off.

Was reading today about a guy who started going to an AA type group and shared at one point, after being there for awhile that he'd been sexually abused as a kid... and no one said a word or responded so he vowed not to say anything about it again... he shared it again later with a pastor and was just just blown off.... so he vowed again not to share it again.... then like a year later he mentioned it in his addiction group and got the same result as the first time, so he decided it was just too big for these people and that he needed to find a group of people that understood and POOF He found a survivor group and it's just great and awesome and so helpful.

Well fuckn la dee da for you.

Must be fuckn nice. What do us poor worthless bastards do who don't have a damn thing and have to figure all this shit out on our own? I'm so sick and fuckn tired of being told everything I "need" and then just get handed a booby prize and told... "well too bad you can't have it!".

Invariably someone is going to ask me where I am so they can go look for me.... like I'm some kinda moronic retard incapable of properly looking on my own.... trust me, there isn't shit where I am and I really am up shit's creak when it comes to this crap. I get books and the internet. How fuckn lucky am I.

No one gave a shit when I was a kid, except some sick fuck who managed to convince a lonely kid that he was loved and that he shouldn't worry, it's how you knew a man loved him and he should just relax and learn to like it. And as a victimized little shit who's no longer a kid people care even less. Cuz a real man wouldn't have let that happen and since he did he must be a little fag boy and wanted it.

Fuck the whole fuckn world.

Yeah I know... If I hate it so much then why do I still bother coming.....

Good fuckn question.

#423473 - 01/28/13 04:07 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
This place is ALL I have many times.

Its seen me through loss of everything including my family, home, job, wealth, dignity...

It was the only "thing" waiting for me after my last stay in the hospital.

I'm so sorry that boy had no one but a monster to "care" about him. I truly am.

There's a heck of a a lot of support and understanding here...certainly more than I have EVER found in real life.

#423475 - 01/28/13 04:42 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1058
((((((( IBB )))))))))

I want to agree 100% with Still. This place is ALL I have, too. You're not alone in needing more than MS can provide, but at least we have each other.

Since this summer I have been actively looking for group therapy to help me in my area and have come up with zero. Even going so far as to venture into the Center for Women and Families (read: Center for Everyone But Men) and beg them for help with a group -- and still nothing, zero, nada.

After reading about guys' success with 12-step groups on here, I went to 3 meetings of an SA group, but it just wasn't for me. What I desperately need is group therapy for male survivors, but where I am, there ain't one.

So, here I am. MS has literally saved my life. It's a poor substitute for real-life human interaction... but it's the next best thing.

Let your anger out here because you have the right to be angry. You should know that we care; and that we know you didn't want it to happen; and that you were helpless to stop it; and that the forced taboo that society puts on us to keep quiet about it makes everything 1,000 times worse.

You have every right to be angry. I sure am.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#423476 - 01/28/13 04:59 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
SmartShadow Offline

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 353
I hear you,

it is like claiming a mountin of marbles to get help in a supportive group that understands. I have gone down on my face trying to clim it. A lot of people don't want to, or can't understand. But there are more and more people and groups these days who can and do get it. One must, I think, become ready to do the hard work of finding and trusting "safe people" with their pain. I have learned to do that in part on this web site. You have just taken a small step in this by posting how you are feeling at this time. Don't give up, keep going.

I am travailing 5.5 hours one way to go to a T who may be able to help me. I supose I am willing and able to try because people on this sight are supporting me and are walking on a path of determination to have a better life. To take back lost life.

And so I too now walk.

Edited by SmartShadow (01/28/13 05:03 PM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

#423503 - 01/28/13 10:03 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1058

Five and a half hours one-way is heroic... Makes me feel better about driving 20 minutes to see my new T, even if it's across a bridge into a state I don't care for.

IBB: let your anger be your strength. Be angry. We deserve to be angry. We've earned anger. Anger is a good emotion if focused in the right way.

Use your anger to motivate you to make yourself better.

Anger is one of my emotions I'm not in touch with. My DID alter, Izzy, has all my anger. I feel it sometimes at the wrong time, directed at the wrong people, and that's not good. Izzy and I don't communicate well together and I don't know when he is going to make me angry. I'm working on getting to know Izzy better and working on my dark emotions.

I feel your anger, IBB. You are right to be angry. Look at what they did to us. Who wouldn't be angry? Be angry. I am. But we are angry together. We share our anger.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#423530 - 01/29/13 06:55 AM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 282
Loc: New York City

I completely get what you are saying. When you read this recovery literature, there is this moment when all of a sudden things turn rosy. That always bugged me, too.

I go to addiction/12 step groups and I am finding some comfort. I do talk about my abuse but only by mentioning it. I don't expect to find support for that in those rooms but there is support for me as a person in recovery and that helps.

I can't come here too often either. It's too much and I don't identify with everyone. I am finding some peace of mind, finally, by continuing to move forward and being determined to grow out from under the abuse. It's not easy and there is no manual to follow to recover. I have to continue to reach out til I find support and then continue to reach out more and then be there when someone else reaches out for support. That's all I seem to have.

I'm glad you wrote what you did.

Edited by EdfromNYC (01/29/13 06:56 AM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#423540 - 01/29/13 08:02 AM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you for posting IBB

IT sounds very frustrating and lonely - and I'm sure it triggers memories and feelings of be abuse to be isolated and suffering.

This place is here for you- there are many good caring men (several already replied above) who are supportive, understanding, and want to help.

Keep reaching out. See if there are some ways you can connect amd find resources and people with experience dealing with this stuff- it DOES feark out most "normal" people- they are just IMHO too weak and selfish to be helpful.

But YOU are responsible to keep making the efforts - you've already sought out books etc and done work in this direction- "live another day, climb a little higher l as one of my brothers here says ....

You are worth it.

Men care for you.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#423605 - 01/29/13 02:00 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1145
MS is a tremendous resource for me. For a time, I was so full of rage toward the perp...for what he did to me at 13. Those feelings had been bottled up since Reagan was in the White House and I needed a safe outlet.

MS allows us to share truly awful experiences with other like-minded people who serve as training wheels or a learner's permit to recovery. We have ups and downs...some posts are relentlessly upbeat and others are funereal. We're all at different stages...and there's no accounting for what lies behind the words...that is, we see the words, but we never see the author. I take someone's good mood as indicative of the person's well-being. At least--I hope that's the case.

Would I have made progress without MS? Probably-but MS eases the shock of the next thought about my CSA--and that is worth its weight in gold right now.

"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

#423649 - 01/29/13 09:14 PM Re: Hate coming here. [Re: IBB]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 305
Loc: MO
Hi IBB and all

Hate coming here? Because you envy what other survivors have. CRAP. What we have is a need to recover from horror and terror. And some have more resources. I remember going to 12 step meetings and sharing my abuse, and being told we don't talk about that here. However, more than 30 people have thanked me for sharing, helping them to face the truth of their experience, and in some cases even face their abuser while staying sober.

Yes, we all wish it hadn't happened, then we wouldn't need to be here. But everyone of is will to share with each other because we are safe here. Sure we would all like to have lots of safe places. Some of us envy those whose wives and lovers are supportive, and sources of safety. Some of us didn't know or think such relationships were helpful or possible.

Let me share, even when I told my wife that the picture she liked to display was of me when I was being photographed naked at the age of 12, refused to even move it from the china display cabinet.

Yeah, I want more but I am so pleased that I have this. MS

Edited by genedebs (01/29/13 09:14 PM)


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