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#423384 - 01/27/13 10:11 PM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Letourski]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Letourski

We share so many similarities. Our differences seem insignificant when we think about the reason we are all here in the first place.

Well said Letourski. There should be no "us" and "them" in the community of CSA survivors. Gay, straight, and all shades in between, black, white, north, south, christian, atheist, whatever.....we all share this one common experience of having our boyhoods stolen and our souls crushed. That is something that must never change about MS.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#423389 - 01/27/13 11:30 PM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Jude]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: Jude
Originally Posted By: Letourski

We share so many similarities. Our differences seem insignificant when we think about the reason we are all here in the first place.

Well said Letourski. There should be no "us" and "them" in the community of CSA survivors. Gay, straight, and all shades in between, black, white, north, south, christian, atheist, whatever.....we all share this one common experience of having our boyhoods stolen and our souls crushed. That is something that must never change about MS.


I agree! Well said guys!

Edited by Mountainous Buck (01/27/13 11:48 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#423402 - 01/28/13 02:38 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

Edited by Obi (05/05/13 03:25 PM)
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#423408 - 01/28/13 03:29 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ok. I am a newbie.

I've been here for about 6 months and not from the US so Oprah and Sandusky didn't bring me here (which is irrelevant). I have felt very welcomed and connected here - but then again I did dive in so to speak.

Just thought I would add my thoughts.

I have! noticed myself in the occasions I've wandered into ms recently, is that there are far fewer threads venting, expressing raw emotion or just asking for help than there were, most threads especially in the ms forum tend to be about specific incidents or questions. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but one thing about ms which did! help me was the ability to just turn up and say "I'm feeling bloody awful today!" and have people read, reply and listen.

Could you maybe give some examples of an 'olden days' post like that?


maybe people are taking this sort of thing more into the chatrooms (I wouldn't know myself since I do not ever use those due to access problems), however equally I do wonder if perhaps encouraging new members to just post threads that do not! serve a discussion purpose but help with emotions might be a good way to bring people closer, since I know for myself one of the things that let me be a lot more honest was seeing just how much people were! willing to freely share their emotions without massive inhibitions.

For me - I have reserved these sorts of posting for PMs with guys I have connected with and feel I can trust. I am so scared of being taken the wrong way and 'putting my foot in my mouth'.


Perhaps that is another point, maybe people are afraid that too much negativity would automatically become personal or be taken personally by another member, since usually on the net these days as much social nicety applies as elsewhere, which again is one of the distinctive things about ms.

I must say that I am now especially careful about not posting my negative stuff on the main boards. After my '10 Things I hate about Me' thread that turned into 100+ things I felt so much better because I was able to get all that junk out of my head ..... but I felt that I had achieved that at the detriment of all those who read it. I felt like I was bringing everyone else here down with me.

Anyway I am glad we are talking about this and that is my 2 cents worth.

More than meets the eye!

#423409 - 01/28/13 03:29 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
the main differences i see in the past year to 15 months that i have been actively participating - is that guys have come and gone as their recovery progresses or they need to take a break or feel like they are not getting anywhere - or whatever...

i see many different names here than i used to - along with a smattering of the same familiar and well-known ones. i am both saddened and encouraged by both. it's good to know that those who need this resource are finding it. but it is sobering to know that they do need it - and why. it also makes me sad to miss some that have moved on - for various reasons. but if moving on means transcending a certain stage of recovery - that is so good! and those of us who remain - it's a very real and comforting feeling to have the company!

i have not noticed posts or threads generally expressing a different sort of content than earlier - maybe i'm less perceptive to that - or maybe it's that i naturally gravitate to the ones that speak to me personally and don't notice the others as much. i do know that i am originating fewer threads than i did when i was newer here and had so many questions and was dealing with issues and memories that were still fresh and raw. i do more responding than initiating recently.

i think there is a natural ebb and flow to topics that come up and trigger reactions from others and then subside. this is a positive thing in my opinion. like group therapy - where anyone with the same or similar junk can pitch in. i've been substantially helped in processing things by the discussions that i've read and then participated in - that i might not have thought about for who knows how long - without the outside prompting.

bottom line - i don't know where i'd be without MS and you all. and though we occasionally squabble like siblings - for me the benefits far outweigh the inevitable imperfections.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#423415 - 01/28/13 04:20 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hey Obi,

i believe that people come and go as they need or are able to glean meaningfulness from this site. Everyone so far has said some good things and i cant add too much more to that, except to add my opinion and my experience.

i never judge anyone here. There are always going to be differences in all of us, because we all have been through this CSA, but each has their own reality that came from that experience. So, i try to adjust my thinking to be present in the chat or dialog and try not to let the variety of ways in which guys are able to communicate here get in my way. As in the real world, there are always times when we come across a person who is different in their thoughts and ideas than i am, but i can still listen for understanding and not let their 'style' get in the way.

As was said, everyone is different. You can put 10 people through the same experience and get ten different experiences from that. We are in this together and hopefully that will be the binding that is needed.

Another thought is that everyone is at a different plcae in their own recovery and an area that i am strong in may be anothers struggle at the moment, and so on. We are all similar, but all different.

The things that keep me coming back are:
1. i want to give back to this site and men some of what was given to me. Namely: comfort, safety, others willing to help me and others.

2. We are each uniquely qualified to empathize with each other because of those similarities.

3. i want to be of support to my fellows in this struggle.

4. This site, for me, is a good place to talk to others that are similar minded and empathetic.

Thanks for listening guys. Take care all. i am here and willing to help in any way i can. For those that don't know, this site has a group of men that are called Greeters" who welcome all new members as they come in. i was fortunate to be asked to be a greeter and i am so happy that i have that opportunity to be of service to my fellow survivors.


If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

#423417 - 01/28/13 04:43 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I don't post much anymore, but still stop in time to time. This place was huge for me when I first found it, because it was the first time I was able to interact with others that could relate. It allowed me to ask questions, vent and really just better understand.

I was one of those that logged onto the site many times a day. I needed that at the time. In the last few years I have found a wider variety of support, and have even opened up more publicly in regards to my story. In a way I feel lest distress about it all, though know it will always be a part of my life, and on the bad days it still pretty much stinks.

I'm appreciative that MS is here, and I hope it is a place where other men can find the courage to face what is a *very* difficult subject to have to deal with. Anyway, things do change and names change, but at least there is a place for men to reach out to and get started on being heard and work on making their lives better. Living with this issue in silence and isolation is pretty awful, and I know many of us can relate.


#423432 - 01/28/13 09:25 AM Re: Thoughts to generate discussion [Re: Obi]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2712
Loc: durham, north england
@Lee (Farmerboy), I mean topics like This one of mine which pretty much just say what I'm feeling at the time, ---- though of course since this was! one of my early topics it also contains many appologies as well since back then I pretty much had to say sorry after every single post since I felt so afraid I was pushing my problems on other people. This is again why I mention the point of sharing emotions, since for me it was somehting that was helpfull, but equally was something I found really hard, not because of wanting to hide, but because I felt so scared to lumber my problems on other people which I know for a fact was a simptom of my own feelings of worthlessness.

@lee (traveller), I agree on the natural progression of things, and especially on responses, indeed probably like Rocco, Eric and some other vets around here, the longer I stay on the forum the more I find I am trying to offer something vaguely helpfull to others, rather than posting stuff myself, which naturally means more responding than posting actual topics for discussion.

@Buck Jude and Letuski, I absolutely agree. One of the nastier social phenomena I've seen is the tendency of groups to talk about priviliged experience. "I'm an X! you can't understand what it is to be an X!" It doesn't matter whether "X" is gender, country, racial grouping, religion, sexual orientation disability or whatever (indeed part of the job of the thesis I've just finished writing on disability was to debunk some of those notions by disabled groups).

Yes, different people have different experiences, but just as paul said there is a little thing called empathy and imagination, by which we can at least make an effort to understand the experiences of others. This is to me one of the main faculties of a group like ms, since while the experiences! of guys hear are no more or less similar than any group of men from all over the world, the faculty of empathy is a bit more increased by the fact we are here for a specific aime..

To take one simple example, I myself was never abused by a parent or adult, nor was my own experience anything less than blatantly harmfull. There was no ambiguous or complex relationship in my abuse, just purely and simply being the but of other people's jokes for purposes of public humiliation and sadism. Does this however mean I'll stay out of discussions by people who are concerned about their relationship to their abuser or missed out on having a true parental relationship? heck no! If I think I could be able to say something helpfull I will try, and certainly in the past I've myself got great advice from guys who's experiences were pretty different from mine.

One thing I will say though is that group identity is something of an insidious beast, especially when it concerns a group which endures some sort of disadvantage. I've seen this myself in groups for blind people over hear in England (one reason I tend to steer clear of such groups myself).

So while I would never discount the experiences of prejudice that people of a given group go through, it is probably a good idea to remember that those feelings are not universal, and indeed in catagorizing anyone outside the group as "against us" people in such a group are themselves guilty of a prejudice, ---- ie, pre-judging another person based on what group they do or do not belong to.

Whether this sort of thing happens on ms I don't know, since I haven't been around long enough to read many of the threads or make an evaluation, but it is certainly something I've noticed happening in other communities so it might be worth remembering for future reference, since it can be quite easy to slip into such thinking, ---- heck I'm pretty guilty of it myself sometimes.

Myself, I really hope Ms continuous being as helpfull to other guys as it has been to me, and I'll try and check in occasionally in the future myself too.


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