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#423379 - 01/27/13 04:21 PM Difficult Words----TRIGGERS
Suwanee Offline

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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1137
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/26/16 10:57 AM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#423404 - 01/27/13 09:44 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
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Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 928
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#423405 - 01/27/13 10:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.



Thanks Matt for putting my thoughts so eloquently as always.

Yes Will - your refusal to not stay crushed, to not let anyone crush you again shows so much inner strength. Even posting the 'Full' story here spits in his face. You have no reason to be ashamed of what happened and you prove that by talking about it openly here.

By bringing this secret out of the darkness you are not only casting light on the sort of individual he was but on the spirit of (not just a survivor but) a thriver that lived within you then and still lives within you now.

Thankyou!

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#423406 - 01/27/13 10:08 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
well done, Will - for telling all!
you will be all the stronger for it, i am sure.
and you strengthen us, too.
lee


Edited by traveler (01/27/13 10:08 PM)
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#423411 - 01/27/13 10:40 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline

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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2387
Will -

It is rare that I read something here that truly resonates as deeply with my own experience. I usually see long posts and breeze through them quickly, but with yours I had to slow down and pace it out. I was pretty much breathless through a lot of it.

Here's what really resonated with my own experience: while my molester was not forceful physically, he was - like yours - quite manipulative psychologically, to the point that he would threaten to do to my sister what he wanted to do to me (always anal sex - always). I, too, was 12-13, and he was an older teen. My molester got caught, but the adults could not see past their own disgust that I was also his victim - along with my little sister. So my abuse just continued. I suppose that is similar in at least some ways to your own experience of having the molester caught but never brought to justice or at least treatment. And I had been through a lot of therapy about ten years ago. I stopped to get my professional degree, thinking I had been "cured". It turns out I was only bivouacked on a cliff. The Penn State scandal proved me wrong about myself - I was strongly triggered by those events (the adults who just looked away, the victims who were so ashamed that they only came forward when investigators discovered them). And like you, I became a bit of an over-achiever. As I learned more about abuse, about accepting that what happened to me was pretty severe stuff, I thought that the fact I was an achiever and a competitor rather than a drug addict or a suicide statistic was statement in itself that I suffered little after-effects of the experience other than the traumas at the time. I skied, surfed, mountain biked, and still swim about 4-5 miles/week. I've got two degrees from prestigious universities and people call me doctor. And so I see that you, too, were an overachiever - like me, physically active in an outward-bound sense, highly educated, etc. And of course the dread of being with girls - who I would just have crushes on at the drop of a hat - because my sexual fantasies often involved me just reliving my homosexual abuse - then the self-disgust - just propelled me to achieve more and try to prove to myself I was someone different than I thought I was - if that makes any sense. And I still would feel like a perp touching a girl - because I saw my molester touching so many 7-8 year old girls inappropriately. It was better to just embrace being a sexual victim - a role I still cannot find a way to break out of mentally.

I just wanted you to know that what you said really strikes a deep chord with me. I guess that's all I have.
_________________________

..


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#423447 - 01/28/13 09:56 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline

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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1137
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Thank you for the kind words of support. I was shaking as I pressed the 'Submit' button.
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#423452 - 01/28/13 10:52 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Suwanee


I share them here not to be gratuitous, but to finally disclose to others who hopefully "get it."


You bet we "get it".......your story is inspiring in that you've learned to have a life alongside your CSA issues. For many of us our CSA issues still block us from having our lives in a meaningful way.

Here's to your continued progress.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#423453 - 01/28/13 11:07 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stunning! In all ways, this story is stunning.

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer. I'm wiped-out from reading it. I can't read any of our stories without strong emotional presence with the boy.

Thank you for trusting us with something so profoundly deep.

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#423459 - 01/28/13 12:04 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
It was difficult to read. But I'm glad you shared it with us.

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#423466 - 01/28/13 01:15 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1057
Speaking as a writer, I found your story harrowing but also well-crafted. You have some very strong sentences in here.

So, while you obviously dissociated from the event of the rape, you are able to describe the effects of that dissociation quite clearly, in a way that any normal person could understand.

That's no small thing.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423474 - 01/28/13 04:09 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 353
Hi Will,
Thanks for sharing this part of your story. I am in the middle of trying to get my story out of head on to paper. I am going tomorrow for my second session with my new T and we are strating EMDR work. I am suppose to be genorating 5 target memories but I am having a hard time comiting my self to the process of wrighting them out. Iam not even shure what consitutes a target memory yet. Thanks for letting me see what it looks like to take the risk. I supose we can never know how some one will react when we expose our trauma and the fear and shame that gose with it, but you are wise and brave to do so. It looks like I am not alone in saying I am proud of you for taking the risk.

Take care, mike
_________________________
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.

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#424806 - 02/09/13 04:55 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: SmartShadow]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Thank you for writing your story for us. It helped me immensely. I saw numerous parallels between what you went through and what I went through.

Puffer

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#424815 - 02/09/13 09:07 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 53
Loc: SW Florida
Suwanee I "get It" as I'm sure many here do. I have not been able to read it all but wanted to thank you for posting this. Thank you

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#439553 - 06/29/13 11:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
What soccer said.

Children's camps these days need to move to having 2 adults always present with children. Without this rule Id never send my kid there. Probably wouldn't even so.

Thanks for having the courage to speak out. The manipulation is gutting and so infuriating. The lack of prosecution execution is mind boggling. If we cant protect the genitals of children who the hell are we???

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#439597 - 06/30/13 03:20 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
BraveFalcon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Hi Will. I'm glad Goldstone bumped this old thread as it gave me an opportunity to reread your amazing and inspirational story. I know I've responded in another thread about your story before and also in PM but there were a couple of things I wanted to touch on this time. (Although these are more or less just side notes.)

Originally Posted By: Suwanee
It isn't out of the question of me running for public office at some point....but then, what would it look like for an opponent digging up the past only to show up with a story of child molestation? Not good for him/her and thus not likely.


No, it's not. I don't blame you for worrying about it though. I wouldn't want these things getting out either were I in your shoes. Hell, I don't even want these things getting out in my shoes and I'm not a public figure, nor will I ever be. However, I don't see a political opponent using a past of CSA against their rival. No way that could do anything but totally backfire. If anything it may even create a sympathy vote in favor of the candidate with the CSA issues. Still, I understand why it's a concern.

Originally Posted By: Suwanee
Here's the thing, thinking back, he was awfully young to have been that sophisticated of a perp. I don't like to consider the vampire theory, but he was very well-versed in the shit he did. Eric recounted his story to me and it was similar to what I went through. His parents were divorced and his dad was absent. He was the classic boy starved for male attention. In other words, he was an easy mark.


It definitely sounds possible that he may have been a victim himself. Not that it would excuse his actions in any way if he were, obviously. I'm honestly of the belief that the "vampire myth" is more an exception to the rule than an all-out myth. Most people who are abused do not go on to abuse others just like most people who were abused do not go on to become alcoholics. However, if you took a random sampling of say 100 alcoholics you would probably find that a greater number of them have a background with CSA than if you took a random sampling of 100 people who are not alcoholics. I think the same is probably true for pedophiles and other assorted CSA perps. That's just my opinion and a lot of people will probably disagree with it but I'm pretty sure I'm right about it.

Take care man. Thanks again for having the strength and the courage to tell all of this. Peace,

Ken

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#439605 - 06/30/13 05:01 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:03 PM)

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#440337 - 07/07/13 11:47 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1449
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

You left me speechless. Such horrors and your story of your conquest of conquering them. I think that it is one of the more inspirational life stories I've read.

What I found interesting was how a person can turn in a matter of seconds from a person who you think likes you to someone who just threatened you with your life basically. As a kid I had long blond hair when I was 14. I had also an experience where one of these guys would be stroking my hair (while I was naked and scared shit to begin with) telling me what a beautiful boy I was. A second later he grabbed me by my hair on the back of my head and grabbed my privates and squeezed them picking me off the ground to where I was face to face with him and made me look at him in his face. And he sort of spat out "I once told you to be a good boy. now do you want to eat these" he was squeezing really hard, I was too scared to scream or cry. then he finished by saying "I'll pull every fucken hair out of that beautiful blond head of yours if you don't do as you're told." Then he put me down gently and went back to stroking my hair like nothing happened.

I felt your terror as he grabbed you by the balls and threatened you with that bubble syringe to a possible sterile like in a wheelchair. The color of my hair became a major fly trap for me, it actually attracted these 2 legged flies. I was actually scared when I went into the USAF at 18 that I would have a hard time because of my blond hair. I was so happy when they made it all disappear the first day of basic training.

Thanks for making my day a little brighter smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442391 - 07/27/13 09:42 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1449
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I keep reading and rereading your story every once in awhile to feel the strength you put into your recovery. I am nowhere near where you are now. Where you went out to "conquer" your horrible past I hid. I wasn't embarrassed at what I did I was ashamed and felt guilty (still do) at what I did. I hid my childhood until I fell apart a few years ago. Since my last post on this thread I must have read and reread your story a dozen times. I've even printed it out and took it to work to read during lunch.

I had been very athletic in my youth but when I went into hiding I did nothing that would bring attention to me for fear of being outed about my past as a child prostitute, childhood drug addict and other shit.

I wish I had your strength in trying to get to where you are today in order to get a somewhat normal (whatever that means) life. I know it's still not easy but you have a determination that is infective. I am still terrified at people knowing what I really was as a child and teen. It's nothing that I'm proud of, but that's what I was and that's what I still am in my mind and it will never go away.

Thanks for the inspiration

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442397 - 07/27/13 10:15 PM ! [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:08 PM)

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#442411 - 07/28/13 09:38 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1449
Loc: New York
Hey gary

Yeah I go through that same thing so many times and I forget how many times I just trash the piece. It does take a lot of courage to press that 'Submit' key. Will should feel OK with what he did.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#442423 - 07/28/13 02:37 PM ! [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:08 PM)

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#442573 - 07/29/13 10:56 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: lapchinj]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1137
Loc: SE USA
Jeff,

I haven't read this thread in a while...it isn't something I like to revisit. I really do appreciate that you took time to let me know that you find it helpful. Reading it later on, I see that despite what happened, I was a plucky kid who got through a lot...and my adult self has to smile at that kid now.

Will
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#442582 - 07/29/13 11:43 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Will,

I remember reading your story when I first joined in January but was to intimidated to respond because of my newness. I read it again tonight and find your candor deeply moving. Your desire to overcome and succeed are inspiring and impressive.

I have forgotten who bumped it forward (of course I forget, its what I do any more)- but thank you for doing so.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#442583 - 07/29/13 11:57 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1449
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I just hope your story helps you as much as it helps me.

I'm also glad you can smile at that kid, I'm still at odds with that shitty hustler.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#450519 - 10/18/13 01:27 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
felix33 Offline


Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
I like when my wife takes the lead too.
felix33

PS I was abused when I was younger. Soon I'll tell my story
_________________________
felix33

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#450578 - 10/18/13 05:45 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 79
Loc: Kansas
I couldn't read anymore I am do sorry that happen to you...

frown
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#452622 - 11/05/13 11:08 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Andre960 Offline


Registered: 11/01/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Ontario Canada
Will,
Thank you for opening yourself up so courageously. In your experiences I find parallels that are frighteningly similar. I am left reconsidering again how it is that men come to wound children so terribly and what force makes such heinous behaviour characteristic of so many offenders....
But they are not important here, your triumphs are the story to be told, to be held high and admired, your striving is the example set for us to emulate - go refuse to lay down , but go get up , and get up, and get up again, ever forward in this great adventure we call life! Thanks Will, once again, I am thrilled to be here!

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#452626 - 11/06/13 01:00 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Will,

The importance for me in your story is that you are taking yourself seriously. That was terrorized out of me. I was abused 0-3 1/2 and maybe at 8. The 8 year old stuff is still blocked. I began remembering my father's abuse at age 53 and only began remembering my mother's abuse this year prior to turning 64. It has been very difficult to move past the messages of "I'm: crazy, bad, deserve to be hurt, deserve to be punished, may be killed if I ever remember or say anything." Your honesty inspires the place in me that knows what I remember really did happen. It inspires me to take myself seriously and helps firm up a ME. Thank you. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#462633 - 03/14/14 10:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
isol8er Offline


Registered: 03/12/14
Posts: 3
Loc: California
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm in tears right now re-living my own horror story. I don't think I could put it on paper.....yet, but I want to. I have shared with some close friends that I was abused but I never actually re-lived it from start to finish. I just don't think I'm ready to go beyond "I was abused as a kid..."
Man, thanks!
Isol8er
_________________________
"I've never been more willing to learn, until I became most desperate to change..."

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#462688 - 03/15/14 05:19 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1449
Loc: New York
Hey iso18er

Nothing says that as soon as you come here you have to spill your guts and tell everyone what happened to you. It took me 40 years to do that.

The first big step is that you came here, I am sorry that you had to be here but you have now become part of a brotherhood, men with horrible stories to tell. As time moves on and you read what unfortunately happened to others it will help you talk about your shit and get it off your chest and finally on your way to healing.

Hopefully you will be able to look at your past and make friends with that little kid who took all the abuse and lived through it. Take it slow and easy so you will find it easier to participate in these forums.

I wish you all the magic in the world that the healing process goes easy for you. You have already made friends who want to help you through your past.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#462690 - 03/15/14 05:30 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 371
wow.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463138 - 03/25/14 01:47 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 371
my perp was caught twice and was given a slap on the wrist. that was in the 70/s . i am not sure it would be different today.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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