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#423379 - 01/27/13 04:21 PM Difficult Words----TRIGGERS
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1148
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/26/16 10:57 AM)
_________________________
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mev_FBj0Fyk

Will

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#423404 - 01/27/13 09:44 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 928
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#423405 - 01/27/13 10:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.



Thanks Matt for putting my thoughts so eloquently as always.

Yes Will - your refusal to not stay crushed, to not let anyone crush you again shows so much inner strength. Even posting the 'Full' story here spits in his face. You have no reason to be ashamed of what happened and you prove that by talking about it openly here.

By bringing this secret out of the darkness you are not only casting light on the sort of individual he was but on the spirit of (not just a survivor but) a thriver that lived within you then and still lives within you now.

Thankyou!

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#423406 - 01/27/13 10:08 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
well done, Will - for telling all!
you will be all the stronger for it, i am sure.
and you strengthen us, too.
lee


Edited by traveler (01/27/13 10:08 PM)
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#423411 - 01/27/13 10:40 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline

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MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2442
Will -

It is rare that I read something here that truly resonates as deeply with my own experience. I usually see long posts and breeze through them quickly, but with yours I had to slow down and pace it out. I was pretty much breathless through a lot of it.

Here's what really resonated with my own experience: while my molester was not forceful physically, he was - like yours - quite manipulative psychologically, to the point that he would threaten to do to my sister what he wanted to do to me (always anal sex - always). I, too, was 12-13, and he was an older teen. My molester got caught, but the adults could not see past their own disgust that I was also his victim - along with my little sister. So my abuse just continued. I suppose that is similar in at least some ways to your own experience of having the molester caught but never brought to justice or at least treatment. And I had been through a lot of therapy about ten years ago. I stopped to get my professional degree, thinking I had been "cured". It turns out I was only bivouacked on a cliff. The Penn State scandal proved me wrong about myself - I was strongly triggered by those events (the adults who just looked away, the victims who were so ashamed that they only came forward when investigators discovered them). And like you, I became a bit of an over-achiever. As I learned more about abuse, about accepting that what happened to me was pretty severe stuff, I thought that the fact I was an achiever and a competitor rather than a drug addict or a suicide statistic was statement in itself that I suffered little after-effects of the experience other than the traumas at the time. I skied, surfed, mountain biked, and still swim about 4-5 miles/week. I've got two degrees from prestigious universities and people call me doctor. And so I see that you, too, were an overachiever - like me, physically active in an outward-bound sense, highly educated, etc. And of course the dread of being with girls - who I would just have crushes on at the drop of a hat - because my sexual fantasies often involved me just reliving my homosexual abuse - then the self-disgust - just propelled me to achieve more and try to prove to myself I was someone different than I thought I was - if that makes any sense. And I still would feel like a perp touching a girl - because I saw my molester touching so many 7-8 year old girls inappropriately. It was better to just embrace being a sexual victim - a role I still cannot find a way to break out of mentally.

I just wanted you to know that what you said really strikes a deep chord with me. I guess that's all I have.
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..


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#423447 - 01/28/13 09:56 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1148
Loc: SE USA
Thank you for the kind words of support. I was shaking as I pressed the 'Submit' button.
_________________________
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mev_FBj0Fyk

Will

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#423452 - 01/28/13 10:52 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Suwanee


I share them here not to be gratuitous, but to finally disclose to others who hopefully "get it."


You bet we "get it".......your story is inspiring in that you've learned to have a life alongside your CSA issues. For many of us our CSA issues still block us from having our lives in a meaningful way.

Here's to your continued progress.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#423453 - 01/28/13 11:07 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Stunning! In all ways, this story is stunning.

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer. I'm wiped-out from reading it. I can't read any of our stories without strong emotional presence with the boy.

Thank you for trusting us with something so profoundly deep.

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#423459 - 01/28/13 12:04 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
It was difficult to read. But I'm glad you shared it with us.

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#423466 - 01/28/13 01:15 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1063
Speaking as a writer, I found your story harrowing but also well-crafted. You have some very strong sentences in here.

So, while you obviously dissociated from the event of the rape, you are able to describe the effects of that dissociation quite clearly, in a way that any normal person could understand.

That's no small thing.

Cant
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But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

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