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#423016 - 01/23/13 06:38 PM Finding a Voice
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
I sorta thought that with all the T and group and WoR that finding my voice would be easier. Don't get me wrong, I feel so much stronger and complete than I ever have, but I still struggle to find the sense of entitlement that allows me to express my feelings.

I am in a new relationship with a man I have fallen in love with. In just under three months it has progressed where I feel in a place that as a survivor, I never knew was possible. In love with one man in an open and honest way about me, my past , my present - no secrets. The thing that's tough though is I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. If I do something he is not happy about or feels is not how a man in a relationship should be, i quickly hear about it, often with a tone of frustration, sharpness and even anger. If he does something I am not happy about, I just often say nothing or if he apologizes, just say " that's ok, I see your point, there is nothing to apologize for". WTF?

Maybe it's:
- fear of losing him
- fear of the anxiety it creates in me to face conflict
- just feeling tired of the roller coaster of emotions i have been thru and just wanting peace
- not being honest with myself about what i want, do i have time for a relationship this soon after coming out?
- i don't feel worthy sometimes, though i know that's just that stupid inner fear voice.
- Is it stupid for a man my age to want to go to gay dances and leather events. Am i making a fool of myself? It feels right to me' I have many new friends I really cherish.
- not understanding the "rules"

I don't know, but I do know I have never felt like this in my life. I only want to be with this one man, for the rest of my life.

How does a survivor find a voice in a relationship? How do I come to peace and feel like I can still be myself instead of bending to the will, wishes and whims of others like I have done my whole life?

Going forward has just taken me back.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#423032 - 01/23/13 10:16 PM Re: Finding a Voice [Re: 1lifenow]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2652
Loc: Denver, CO
I can only recommend a couple of things ...
1) When he does something then apologizes - instead of "that's ok, I see your point, there is nothing to apologize for" ... what about "that's ok, I see your point, apology gladly accepted"

Have you told him how you feel you're "walking on egg shells"? As dumb as this sounds, I'm gonna say it - to find your voice, you need to use it. Communicate with him. Let him know, if you wish, that what you're about to do scares you because you've never had a good relationship before. But tell him how you feel. I think he has the right to know - and if he's as great as you believe he is - he'll still be there after you talk to him, just understanding you a little bit better.

.... at least that's my opinion.......
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#423123 - 01/24/13 08:18 PM Re: Finding a Voice [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 01:53 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#423253 - 01/26/13 10:11 AM Re: Finding a Voice [Re: 1lifenow]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Wow, 1life, loaded topic. Excellent post.

I've often heard in meetings that there's nothing like a relationship to bring up all your issues. Take my post with a grain of salt since it's been years since I've been in one.

The simplest response is whether you've told him exactly what you've posted here. You also mentioned an issue with him blowing up at you. Likewise, have you blown up at him sometimes? Jus' askin'.

I understand your quandry. Even with friends, I'm reluctant sometimes to express my anger for fear of losing them or being "wrong". It takes a conscious effort. But I usually feel better, they respect that I can express that emotion, and it keeps the emotional backlog clear.

btw, stupid to go to dances and leather events? Dunno where you are on the Left Coast, but in my gayborhood it's just another part of life. (Of course the T in me wants to ask if you're going alone or with friends or with the bf...and why/why not).

Oh, hell. Dance your @$$ off hunny.


#423301 - 01/26/13 09:24 PM Re: Finding a Voice [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Thanks guys

I really appreciate it.

We had a talk and so i wouldn't go all off tangenty, I wrote down what i needed to say. He was frustrated with some things I had done and rather than deflecting, I owed it and apologized. He in turn had given me an ultimatum about something saying but don't take this as an ultimatum. I asked how else would i be able to take it and was there any other word for it. He looked at me and said "I am sorry baby, an ultimatum has no place in a relationship". Who knew making up could be so , well so damn good.

He couldn't know I didn't tollerated him raising his voice if I didnt tell him in a time when things were calm, that that model of conflict resolution does anything but work for me.

And when I told him about wanting to go to leather events, he had me turn the other way then appeared in a biker pants, a harness and cap. OMG, best ever.

So we will be going to events together.

My corner of the world keeps getting better with each move towards authenticity. Fuck the fear.

Thanks bro's
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011


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