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#422998 - 01/23/13 07:27 AM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1107
Loc: SE USA
.


Edited by Suwanee (02/21/16 11:35 AM)
_________________________
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

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#423027 - 01/23/13 04:04 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 927
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I'd experience "real rape", so why would "having to give him a blowjob" be so bad? (that's how I used to think. Sometimes I'd even phrase it as "I gave him a blowjob", as if I chose to do it.).


THIS. At first even to my T I'd say "made me perform oral sex / made me suck his dick." When me actually doing anything was probably less than a minute, then he... took over.

I've hated myself for not being able to give a better blowjob at 8 in order to have spared myself the pain, to have just been able to please him and escape the intense terror that he was actually trying / going to kill me with it. And then hated myself for having such unfair and obscene thoughts about a helpless kid. It's less intense but not gone.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#423058 - 01/23/13 10:29 PM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: crazy gecko]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Yes, "rape" is an ugly word, but to me, it validates my feelings and my reactions in a way. It gives me permission to be somewhat fucked up, to need help, to not be ok all the time... I was raped, after all! I don't have to hide behind fancy phrases and "you know what I mean?"s any more. I can come out and say a simple 4 letter word, and it describes exactly what was done to me...[/quote]

Thanks for these thoughts, gentlemen. I read through the thread, and this being my second evening as a member, the theme of this is one I am working on with my counselor. I just can't verbally use the word rape in the same sentence of describing what has happened to me. Just like you guys for whatever reason, I know it will take time. Your words...my feelings... truly. ...just as c gecko says, I am fked up, I need help, but I am not okay most of the time... and maybe soon I can say OUT LOUD..."he raped me, and it hurts"... and he did, and it does...thanks, again guys.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#423076 - 01/24/13 01:45 AM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Hi Bill,

Yes, it will take time, but don't try to rush it! You will reach the point where you will be able to say the word and claim it for yourself in your own time. I hope that it will be soon, but as I have learnt in the last few month - one cannot, and should not try to skip steps in this process we call healing.

Stay strong and keep working with your counselor. You'll get there.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#423080 - 01/24/13 02:36 AM Re: Well, it's official.... [Re: SoccerStar]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Hi, Gecko. Thank you for the words of hope. I read your story. Both parts. I find you to be quite brave and again, thank you for the honesty.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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